conjuredskies | In From the Cold (for smartass

"They're already paying the price." Reynard. It's not the first time he's pulled this kind of shit during winter but never has it been this bad before. Never have so many suffered, cut off from their worlds. Jim doesn't understand how a man who's so pleasant to be around the rest of the year can be so dangerous in winter.

He doesn't understand spirits or their natures. To Jim, Reynard is--was-- a friend. One that's seemingly turned on them. Even if he had an enemy in the Nexus he was trying to deal with, to get everyone else caught up in the collateral damage...It's unthinkable.

"So what are we supposed to do? Relax in comfort and pretend our friends aren't back there fighting for their lives?"

"Tend to your ship." He's thought about this. About what he'd say. "Take care of each other. Rest. Get stronger. So when the PINpoints begin to work again you can go back ready to help them."

He doesn't know if that's enough. If his reasoning will make Jim somehow overlook what Felix did to get him here against his will. But his hands are on Jim's arms and he's kneeling in front of his betrothed - his husband - willing the man to understand.

"I couldn't... I couldn't let it happen again. Don't you see...?"

Felix's hands are on his arms and his plea is desperate. He couldn't let Jim relive it again. And Jim does see, even if he doesn't like it. Felix recognized the shape of the shadow that was swallowing Jim whole and took him out of it before he was lost to its depths. He's mad, yes. But Jim also understands.

Tend to the ship.

That thing Jim's been forgetting, all this time? It's smacking into him suddenly hard enough to make him suck in a sharp breath far too quickly. He has to cough at the discomfort it causes but it doesn't derail the realization that he's been missing form his ship for months at this point. Just how in the hell are they going to explain this?

"I can't believe Headquarters isn't crawling up my ass this second trying to figure out where we've been all this time. Fuck, this isn't the sort of thing we can just explain away, either..." And yet his quarters is still here intact. Tiber is still here and well fed. Neither Spock or Bones are lingering and with the hum of the engines he's sure they're heading somewhere rather than docked at a Starbase.

Felix sees that realization hit and there's a selfish kind of relief in it. Something for Jim to trouble himself with that isn't getting mad at Felix or questioning how he pulled off this abduction.

"It's all right." His hands squeeze tighter. "It's all right, Jim. We've been gone a day- a couple of days, at most. It's still the beginning of the winter in this universe. Spock and McCoy know the truth, but officially you had- some flu, the doctor named it last night." He'd been too exhausted himself to take in every detail, just trying to explain enough for Jim's concerned friends to let them be.

"He wanted you in sickbay but Spock talked him out of it, thank Stendarr."

"Wh--no that's not--"

That's not at all how the time dilatation between their worlds usually works. Jim might be weak and on the verge of passing back out but he knows that much. For how long he's gone back and forth between his ship--his universe--and the Nexus he's got a fairly strong idea of how the time difference works.

It means Jim's right back on focusing how Felix pulled this off, though at least not in the sort of way that involves trying to yell at his husband.

"You--he did? How did we get back...Felix that doesn't make sense. Are we in the right world?"

"We are. I promise, this is your Enterprise. You know I could always tell the difference. Besides, how else would your crew have known me?" He draws a long breath. "I... made a pact to get us back. And daedra don't... their realms aren't bound to the linear progression of our time. Times. So... this was a small bonus."

Felix has a way of telling the people from various planes apart and Jim's seen him do it before. It never occurred to him that he'd be equally as able to tell the places themselves apart. Maybe he means he checked to make sure Bones and Spock were the right ones...but again they wouldn't have known who Felix was if they weren't.

Probably. The captain groans in frustration.

Jim's too damn tired to think out the If/Thens of alternate realities and their governance right now. On the one hand his desire to go back to the Nexus with more supplies is redoubled thinking that they've got time on their side, but even that urge is tempered with the slow begrudging realization that Kirk can't help anyone until he's helped himself. Neither Spock nor Bones will even countenance listening to him until he's rested. Recovered enough to be fit for duty.

Or at least what Jim considers to be fit for duty that Bones will relent to. No one's going to help Jim get back into that place looking like he does now. Half dead sitting on his floor in a delirium.

"Have you...eaten yet?"

Felix relaxes slowly. Not just because he seems to be off the hook. Because it sounds like Jim's panic is fading, and he's turning his mind instead to the immediate problems that face them. He's accepted their situation.

Which means Felix can stop worrying so much and finally let out that long sigh of breath he's been holding in all this time. They're safe, safe and warm and he can actually make the most of it now. Focus on looking after Jim.

"I... don't remember. I tried. They gave me some kind of... bran paste." That's what it tasted like to him, anyway. He'd got some stew out of the replicator as soon as they left him alone. Not that that had fared any better, since... He shrugs weakly. "I couldn't stay awake."

Jim grimaces at the mention of the mash, but it's honestly not surprising that actual food would probably be a poor idea at least at first after what they've gone through. Which means means he's probably even worse off. Ration bars might stay down but anything from the replicator is just asking for his enfeebled insides to mutiny.

"I don't suppose Bones left you any instructions for when I woke up aside from going to see him...?" He doesn't relish the idea of heading down to the medbay just yet. Facing Bones and his completely reasonable questions that Jim won't have an answer for. Or at least, won't want to give an answer for.

And for all his stomach twists painfully at the thought of food within reach, there's a strong urge to just go back to sleep lingering too. Probably not a great sign right now though.

"Not to let you pass out again before you ate something. On pain of a trip to the sickbay." And to call him, of course, but Bones had to know Felix would take that as optional. But making Jim eat? The conjurer's all in favor of that. If Jim sleeps without food he'll just get weaker and sleepier.

He pushes himself back on the floor and starts the process of clambering wearily to his feet. Then extends a hand to Jim. "...Come on, beloved. It's your turn to be looked after."

Jim watches Felix struggle to get to his feet. He can't understand the tumultuous warring emotions that mingle unwanted in his chest. Licking flames of anger that dance away when the heavy iron weight of worry presses against his ribs instead. A fierce pride that swells when his betrothed finds his feet that chills and withers to shame that leaves Jim without breath. It's all too much at once and never has one person meant so much to him before.

He's felt conflicted before about people. Friends and more but nothing like this. Nothing like this sea of swirling currents that threaten to pull him under but for the hand extended toward him to pull the captain up to his feet. It's too much. Jim's too exhausted yet. Clammy hands grip onto Felix's and allow the mage to pull Jim up to his own two shaky feet. Nothing is going to be processed either emotionally or logically until he's had a chance to rest.

"I'm not so great at that." It's the least Jim can admit to, knowing that by now Felix will be aware at least somewhat of how bad off Jim was when Felix brought him away if Bones has had a chance to look him over. "Anywhere's got to be more comfortable than the floor though."

Felix is usually more cautious. More aware that wounded feelings and causes for anger don't simply vanish. But he's exhausted in so many ways, and for now it's too easy to believe that Jim is - not happy, but on the way to forgiving him.

Felix wants to believe it'll be that simple.

They both have to catch their balance as Jim's pulled to his feet. Felix grabs at Jim's arm and holds him steady, hopeful affection all over his face.

"We don't have to go far." Just over to the couch. He nudges Jim to sit down, pushes the uneaten food aside roughly before he goes to get more of that mash stuff. "Eat what you can, and then we'll see if you can manage a shower before you rest."

It's not the worst Jim's ever been. Experience helps tamp down on the urge to eat as much as he can get his hands on no matter how tasteless. It's food, sustenance, nutrition and he needs it badly. But Jim also knows what will wait for him if he rushes this so he makes himself sit up straight rather than hunching over the bowl. Forces himself to take his time with every measured bite.

It's a blessed reprieve from everything Jim can't make himself focus on yet. Counting and waiting taking up all of his active thoughts. It leaves Felix time for his own hopes. His own denial. It's easy to think everything is moving toward being fine. Tiber's curled up on the far end of the couch purring with contentment for having Jim back. He knows well enough not to curl up on Jim yet.

Unease flickers through Jim's expression as he strips for the shower but it only lasts a couple of seconds. He feels like he hasn't been entirely bare like this for months and the thought of wasting water jolts him awake just enough for him to remember they're on the ship. A sonic is much less worrisome for him now. He needs a deep, long bath at some point but not tonight. They'd both drown in the tub when they inevitably pass out. It's with a numb autopilot that Jim brushes his hair and teeth. Things he hasn't had the luxury to worry about now a small comfort.

Jim's clean. Fed. Safe.

It will still have to be Felix who lays them down together but he may not notice that. Jim doesn't pull away from him. There's no energy left to do anything but relent to the siren call of sleep for some time...

Felix isn't as restrained as Jim, but luckily he's more focused on making sure Jim eats than inhaling his own meal. Reaching out to stroke Tiber's back in reassurance. Helping Jim strip off and wash and getting them both into bed.

This time he can curl up with Jim. Wrap an arm over his waist and relax against him and sleep... a little easier, this time. There'll be Bones to inform, but that's when he wakes. There'll be dreams, but he won't remember them.

For now, he's content with his reward.

It'll be a while before he rouses again. Makes himself get up and see to clearing up the room.

Jim doesn't rouse when Felix does, at least not at first. The captain lays in bed and listens to the conjurer move about the room with eyes closed.How untroubled his movements are. Lazy from sleep and relaxed. As though all of their friends and companions weren't suffering in some distant date because not even time is the same here as it was.

His stomach twists. Equal parts hunger and disgust.

Jim waits until Felix has excused himself to the shared bathroom before he slips out of bed and pulls on his clothes. Sets the replicator to make him a plain turkey sandwich (should be bland enough to stay down Jim hopes) while he pulls on a clean uniform for the first time in months. He doesn't wait for Felix to come out before he leaves, taking the food with him.

It feels almost unreal marching down the halls of the Enterprise-A after so long being kept from the thrumming hum of her engines. Smooth (but different from the old Enterprise's, Jim hasn't yet forgotten her heartbeat for this one) and comforting. Home.

Yet, somehow. Not where he belongs right now.

Still, he puts on his best face and greets everyone who wishes him well. Waylays any concerns that arise for the captain's well being. A flu, they would have been told. While the truth lay buried in the cold weeks from now in some alternate reality they'll never return to--a world where the crew had to deal with Jim's disappearance. Maybe it's because he's spent so long in the Nexus that he thinks of that so readily. The what if's pile up on top of each other as a distraction from what's eating away at him.

"If it ain't on fire I don't wanna hear about--Jim!" The doctor's startle only adds to Jim's guilt. Torn between a duty he has to his people here--his family--and the people he's left back in the Nexus however unwillingly. Jim puts up suspiciously little fuss as he follows McCoy back into his office and starts nibbling at his sandwich while the doctor locks the door.

"Don't ask. I know you're going to but please. Don't. We were stuck somewhere cold and dark without enough to eat for weeks. That's all you need to know." Jim doesn't want to have to go further. Bones waves the explanation off when he turns around.

"I coulda told you that when Caelus brought you both in. Felix, I mean." That's taking some getting used to yet. "He explained enough of it. What am I missing?"

"...We were the only two who escaped. The others are still there." It's out of a determined need to recover that Jim's eating now. His stomach feels like a lead weight inside of him eating while he thinks of their faces.

"Son of a bitch. No wonder you're half dead." Bones knows just enough to understand why Jim would have been worse off. There was someone to save. Others, too, from the sound of it. Jim's head won't be here on the ship while they're still in danger. "You'd be mad to go back. You were half dead when you got here."

"I can't go back. Not yet, anyway." Captain Kirk glances around the office before he forces the rest of his meager meal down. "I'm too weak yet and we'd only be stuck again or punished for leaving in the first place."

"I won't say I'm sorry he brought you back, Jim." McCoy sees the fire in Jim's gaze when the captain snaps it onto his best friend. He knows nothing is that easy for Jim Kirk. "If you can't go back then--"

"I need to focus on what I can do. Recover. Right?" There's bitterness in Jim's words but not denial. He gets up from where he's been leaning against Bones' desk and settles himself next to the doctor and dutifully rolls up one sleeve so Bones can get to work looking him over.

Focus on what he can do now.

Like have a talk with his husband.

There's a stabbing jolt of fear when he comes out of the bathroom and finds Jim gone. A moment's panic before Felix realizes he can't possibly have gone far. The PINpoints still don't work, and he hid them away for good measure. If Jim's not in the room then he must still be on the ship. Up to the bridge, or to see the doctor. He's never felt the confinement of a ship to be a mercy until now.

He didn't wait to tell Felix he was awake, though. Felix ignores the dancing unease in his stomach. Jim's never been a patient man, and he's likely too tired yet to want to deal with more conversation than necessary. He probably decided just to see his crew and get that part over with.

That must be it.

Which leaves Felix... at a loose end. No Jim to tend to. No bowls left to tidy up. Tiber fed and his water changed. He collapses onto the couch, digs his phone out to send a message to Stratos. But then he's alone with his thoughts for the first time in hours.

He still can't regret anything. There's a twinge of guilt when he remembers Isidor's face. Danny's fear. He tries to imagine what his father would say and he cringes a little in the silence. Caeluses are people of duty, honor, loyalty. His aunt Arvenna and her legion defended the walls of the Imperial City to the last man. Uncle Hesperus killed himself with the strain of keeping his fellow soldiers alive out in the desert. Both his parents risked their lives in the Great War. A hundred generations of ancestors who stood and fought and died with their comrades, for their Emperor, in the name of duty.

So his actions weren't entirely becoming of his lineage. But Felix has always been the one to flirt with disgrace.

And the truth is, if he asks himself: would he rather they'd stayed? Would he have made a different choice, given the chance to do it again? Every fiber of his being screams a shrill and silent 'NO.'

No. He did the only thing that Felix Caelus could do. The others with their machines and their magic and their warriors will be fine.

Felix gets some tea - the warmth is a comfort - but after that the only thing he has strength to do is curl up with a book to stare at.

And wait.

Creaky floorboards don't exist in this world, but Felix has a bit of a tell that Jim's coming back in Tiber popping his head up from where he was sleeping all of a sudden, tail twitching back and forth in agitation before the kneazle hops down and makes a beeline for the door. Gives a butt wriggle before leaping up onto Jim's shoulder and trilling right in his ear to check and see what's bothering his bonded human.

The captain sighs and reaches up to ruffle Tiber's fur between his ears but he's setting the kneazle down almost immediately after. Now is not time for plays or for attention. No distractions, this time.

Jim doesn't bother kicking off his boots before he moves further into the quarters to face Felix where he's spread out on the couch.

"We need to talk."

Well, those are words to make his heart sink. Felix already set his book down when Tiber stirred, but now the slight smile for Jim's arrival is wiped from his face. The conjurer pulls himself up straighter, eyes searching his husband's expression.

"Very well. I think we covered the important parts earlier, but..." It's only natural Jim would have questions. Problems. Try not to dwell on that thought...

"Where do you want to start?" he asks quietly.

The important parts, he says. Like how it's impossible to go back and how they're no longer in the right time to do it anyway. Like how Winter has some kind of a contract its trying to get (Reynard is trying to get?) met to further a goal. Something Felix has only circumvented through dangerous negotiations. The price of which...

"What did it cost to get us out of the Nexus? You didn't answer me before." Jim's sure he'd remember that, no matter how out of it he was. Felix sidestepped then but Jim's taking a step closer now.

"You hid all of this from me. You're Still hiding things from me."

"Just an artifact I had. Nothing we'll miss," is his first reply, because it's true: he never did tell Jim about his dealings with Nocturnal. Never drew any attention to the silver-grey hood rolled up among his things, let alone explained its origin. And now? It's a long story, and one that might not make a lot of sense to Jim. What matters is that Felix reassures him.

And, well. Felix really doesn't talk much about his conjuration. Not to his friends, not his family. Not to the people of his world, who will judge, nor to those of the Nexus, who won't understand. And not to Jim.

"I'm sorry," he says, wary of the look on Jim's face but perhaps misinterpreting the captain's anger. "I told you, I had to hide my plan from you or it would never have worked."

"Felix I have an entire ship worth of 'artifacts' if that's all it takes to appease your daedra."

It can't be so simple and Jim knows it isn't. Anger ripples beneath his skin that Felix thinks he'd buy such a flimsy evasion. That Jim is taking every possible chance for Felix to explain himself and the mage is bound and determined to make the captain feel like a fool for putting that trust into Felix in the first place.

Jim grits his teeth. If he opens his mouth now, there's no telling what would come out. This is his husband for crying out loud. Jim can't just go picking a fight with him but Felix makes him want to so badly. They don't talk about the Many reasons people tell Jim not to trust Felix. They don't talk about Rielle or what lead to it. They don't talk about Felix's conjuration in any great detail. The captain's hardly ever seen Felix do his chosen field of magic.

It's always done hidden away, snuck off into the night whether on the ship or in the Nexus or even in Jim's house in Iowa. Felix clearly doesn't trust Jim with his talents. And yet every time there's trouble Jim's right there to rationalize that Felix meant well. Put his actions in the best light possible.

He loves Felix Caelus with all his heart but goddamn does Jim want to punch his teeth in right now.

"Is this just how it's going to be? You really think I'm going to keep turning the other cheek every time you sneak off to circumvent my goals. Open up to you when you hide everything that makes you who you are no matter how much I say I want to help and learn about you?" How many more times is Jim going to have to charge blindly into a hellscape of Felix's own creation with little more to go on than his own desperation?

He used to get angry when people were so eager to speak ill of Felix. Jim still gets angry about it. But with all of Felix's gods as his witness, Jim does understand them. Again he bites his tongue because to say more would mean treading into waters that are dangerous at best. But it's a pressure of unspoken words building. The captain knows he's far from blameless or perfect. That Felix only acted like this because Jim pushed himself so hard. Felix didn't even try to reason with Jim or ask to talk.

"This can't happen again." Every word is measured, weighed carefully. He's definitely not recovered enough to go to the gym to let off some steam and that lack of outlet for his temper is only making this more difficult.

Jim's flat rebuttal stops him cold. Felix falls silent, eyes on every shift and clench in the captain's expression. He's not allowed to kid himself about what Jim really wants to know. Not any more.

Secrecy has always been a necessity, from the first time he stole off to his room with a borrowed tome on daedra. Every night he slipped into the snows or the woods with a satchel of salts and candles, every coded journal tucked into his pack, every quiet rendezvous by the light of a bonfire. Hiding away from his family's disapproval, his people's fear and disdain, from the Vigil's undiscriminating crackdowns, even from the danger of amateurish imitators.

Secrecy is a habit as ingrained as tying his boots on properly. It's not something he thinks about, for the most part. It's just the way you do things. It's the way that's best for everyone.

Unless your husband is from a different world and lives by another set of rules entirely.

Felix listens. Winces a little when Jim calls him out on the one-sidedness of the honesty between them. But there's a well of simmering emotions lying untapped in him too, and they're beginning to bubble over. Fear and hurt and anger and guilt, because yes, there's so much in the captain's words he can recognize.

"What should I have done, then? Let you tear yourself apart trying to save them all single-handed? Allowed you to stop me from saving you? Stood by and watched you get yourself killed?You would never have agreed to leave."

An unwanted remnant of a memory stabs into Jim's chest and he very nearly shouts that yes Felix should have let him but he stops. It's an unfair request and Jim knows it. They're promised to be wed and that means Jim can't be so cavalier about his own life anymore. He's been trying so hard to be better about it but in this specific case old habits reared their ugly sallow cheeked heads.

"You should have pulled me aside and demanded to talk like I'm doing now." Jim knows his voice is trembling and he's not sure if he's more angry with himself or Felix in this moment. There's guilt in his words too. "When I decided to do this I knew I was giving you my life. I know I'm completely worthless at taking care of it but I do realize there's a reason to now. It would've been a fucking painful conversation but it needed to happen and it didn't."

Jim's at fault too and he knows it. Normally he'd try to dodge that but he won't run away from a poor conversation when that's exactly what he's accusing Felix of doing. The captain's got too much pride for that. Which...might have been part of the problem in the first place.

"I needed to leave, you're right. But us leaving isn't all I'm talking about. It's the rest of it. The way it happened." Opening up all the closets full of skeletons in his heart and meeting nothing but closed doors when he tries to look in turn.

"How can I have a conversation with you about what our options are if you won't tell me anything?"

It's disarming, that kind of admission. Jim owning up to his own self-destructive actions instead of the protest Felix was braced for. Calling the Imperial out for assuming his betrothed couldn't or wouldn't see his point of view. Wouldn't care enough to stop what he was doing.

"I couldn't take the chance," he murmurs yet, albeit weakly. "Not again."

But that's not Jim's point, is it? Felix isn't aware of the way he's drawn his arms close, wrapping them around himself. "You... want me to tell you when I'm working on a ritual...?"

"That's not your decision to make alone."

It can't be that way for either of them anymore. No matter how headstrong or secretive they may be to others, Jim doesn't want those walls up between them. Can't imagine holding Felix at arm's length for most anything. He's holding his anger in check just barely because of that want. Whether Jim will give himself the credit or not he has matured in the years since they first started dating. If this argument had happened earlier, well.

They wouldn't be having a conversation so much as a shouting match and one of them--most likely Jim-- would have stormed off by now so as to avoid a very physical fight.

This is a Jim who recognizes his own mistakes more readily. One who has already faced hell itself for Felix. An argument, no matter how severe, isn't going to make Jim put Them at risk. He sucks in a breath and holds it until he feels his pulse calm down ever so slightly. Lets it out in a drawn out sigh.

"Yes. I don't know hardly anything about your conjuration. To what end you do it, how it works, why you favor it. Nothing. i'm not asking to become your apprentice or the like, but. Goddammit Felix, everything about you is important to me and I can't support you if I'm ignorant. I can't know there's another option or even a chance at one if I don't know what you can do. And for as much as I've told you about everything you ask of me, I can't understand why you hide so much from me."

In From the Cold (for smartass_captain)

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