In From the Cold (for smartass_captain)

[conjuredskies]

 He might remember small things, after. Little flashes of near-consciousness.

The fall forward onto the table, all his joints locking at once. Shouting. Ice pressing around him. Voices over him. Slung over a rock and the cold of it radiates through him down to the bone. Furs wrapping him tight. There’s a long, long march where he sways on someone’s shoulder, the wind battering his face. More voices.

Then darkness. So much darkness pressing around him…

When he wakes it might take a few minutes to comprehend what’s going on. He’s warm. He’s comfortable. The noise of the café has vanished. The wind outside has gone silent. There’s just the minute hum of electricity and life-support systems around him… and a rumble from the ginger fuzzball purring atop his chest.

The faint reverberation of engines sinks in.

He’s in his quarters. He’s on the Enterprise.

Comments

[smartass_captain]

The whispers are still there, memories Jim can't rid himself of no matter how much time has passed. No matter how much he says he's moved on the wounds still linger. Raw as the day they were gouged into him whenever they're pressed upon. This Winter was a cruel reminder. Close enough that Jim could see himself being swallowed up but could do nothing to stop it. And he'd willing step back into those shadows knowing that Isidor and his other friends were all suffering still.

Without the experience Jim has, how good are their chances? By now Isidor must have learned much from him. She's competent, willing to make the hard choices no one wants to make. Willing to shoulder hate and ridicule if it means they all survive. And so Jim is angry, yes. Angry he was taken away from a situation where he could help. Where he could try to prevent anyone else form having the memories he does. The desperation he did to do whatever necessary to secure enough food for himself and those important to him.

"Do you like everything I tell you? You can't approve of half of the things I choose to do...." The hand not steadying Felix's shoulder reaches up to cup his cheek gently, fingers brushing that streak of white but not lingering on it.

"I know it's not easy. I've lied my way through every day of my life up until...you."

[conjuredskies]

"You're always trying to do things for the greater good. Makes it bloody hard to argue with you." So, sometimes it's easier to skip that part.

He closes his eyes at the warm hand on his cheek. Lets out a shuddering exhale that carries all the tension wound up in his chest. There's a part of his soul still jealously unwilling to uncurl itself from the secrets he's guarded so long and with so much deception. The parts of himself he's kept hidden from everyone. Even Jim.

And it's that gentle reminder of how much Jim understands that finally cracks those walls. That sense of how much pain and shame Jim has unfolded to him and how unfair it is that Felix has never done the same in turn. He always tried to tell Jim he wasn't perfect, but he was never brave enough to show the captain what he meant.

His cheeks are damp when he finally nods. Felix doesn't notice. He opens his eyes and lifts them to Jim, unfolds an arm and reaches up to cup his hand over his betrothed's.

"Put that way I... guess I owe you some answers."

[smartass_captain]

Jim snorts.

How can Felix still believe that about him? He's seen Jim be petty, seen him jealous, irrational, stubborn. He's seen Jim be selfish and yet he still puts the man up on a pedestal. Sometimes he wonders if Felix thinks that low of himself or if Jim's self assessment of himself is still that twisted. He'd like to think he's gotten better about that over the years but it's difficult to tell to be honest.

He could argue the point. James T. Kirk is stubborn as a mule. His words vanish with the tears that slip down Felix's face. He can read the shame in the mage's features and even if he should feel that way Jim can't help how his heart breaks a little to see Felix like this. He's glad beyond words when Felix covers Jim's hand with his rather than pulling away.

Jim can't not ask anymore. He hopes there will come a time when he doesn't have to, but the concession is a step forward. So he nods slowly, tipping his head until his forehead is touching Felix's.

"Thank you."

[conjuredskies]

For once the Imperial doesn't have words to offer. Doesn't know if he ought to accept that thanks or gently protest. Doesn't think he can speak the things that make his chest tighten and his heart ache.

So he doesn't say a word. He just reaches up to wrap his hands around Jim's arms and tug the captain down onto the couch beside him. Let him just hold Jim close and know he's all right. Everything else is just... details.