Playing With Shadows II, for smartass_captain

[conjuredskies]

The darkness flows around him, a river of shadow beneath a moonless night. His hands are in agony and there’s a dull thudding pain in his skull, but he’s safe. For now. At least until Jim finds out what he’s done.

Which… is fuck up a ritual in their most hated place and let loose a powerful, bloodthirsty daedric warrior.

Felix utters all the Andorian words Norn’s taught him not to say.

“Are you just going to sit there, featherless? Don’t you know how to walk?” There’s a familiar harshness to the voice; Felix isn’t surprised to lift his head and see the crow sitting in a stunted tree close by. Though in his defence, he thinks, it’s a black bird sitting in a black tree in the realm of eternal night. It doesn’t exactly grab the eye.

“You’re… the Knave of Rooks, aren’t you?” The smallest of the Blackfeather Court, and one of the lowest-ranking, from his observations.

“Correct, mortal!” The bird puffs and preens. “Prince Nocturnal commanded that I should guide you through her glorious realm of Evergloam, in fulfilment of your contract!”

"You? So then..." She didn't set one of her phantom Nightingales to handle this errand. Even a former mortal must outrank the bird. But Felix bites his tongue hard on that. Not the time to start offending his guide with such observations, even if he's inadvertently learning something. 

The Knave cocks his head at Felix, the glint of his eyes a violet spark in the gloom. “Well? Speak! Where is it you need to go?”

“Uh-“ To the Enterprise, scream the white-hot nerves in his hands, the ache of his skull and ribs. To the ship and Dr. McCoy and all his wonderful shiny machines for making the pain go right the hell away.

Then he considers the look on Jim’s face when Bones immediately reports this, and winces. Anyway, there’s precious few shadows to fall out of on the Enterprise. He’d be as well going to their quarters and then he might give Jim a nasty surprise to his face.

“Iowa. My home on Earth.” He doesn’t know if that means much to the crow, but maybe that doesn’t matter.

“Very well. Follow! Hurry up!” The crow flaps off, leaving the mage to stumble after him, up the bank of the dark river and through a sparse wood Felix has glimpsed before. He finds his sight starting to adjust to the shadows as he picks his way over rocks and roots, trying to stick to what path there is. The bird calls to him again each time he drops behind, harsh and grating and peppered with commentary Felix can’t concentrate enough to be annoyed by.

The pain in his hands ebbs and throbs in turns. Eventually he musters himself to speak again, just to distract himself.

“Hey… Knave? You’re a servant of Nocturnal. A… a wise noble of this realm. Can you tell me… why the hood I wear didn’t protect my mind, from… from the foul place I delved into?”

The compliments seem to do the trick: the bird stops to preen instead of complaining about the question. He seems to hesitate, though. Felix nearly flinches when he flies down to the conjurer’s shoulder, leans over to tug the hood with his beak.

“The boon of Nocturnal? Her Gift of Merciful Shadow?" His voice is even harsher delivered straight into Felix's ear. "It softens the bitter edges of the light, veils the bones too sharp for mortal minds to bear.”

“Yes- I know that, but then why didn’t it work?” It didn’t stop Rielle from getting to him. Reminding him…

“How should I know, featherless? It makes things seem no more than the lies they tell, yes? Maybe you are a bad liar!” The Knave scoffs and flaps loudly away into the darkness.

A bad liar? That doesn't even make... Felix nearly laughs until the shooting pain in his ribs makes it a whimper. He doesn't have energy to waste on ruining what little dignity he has left; he shuts up and follows until the Knave circles a pool of shadow, cawing pointedly. The conjurer steps into it- and lands on the rug in a darkened living room.

---

He doesn’t dare look at his hands until he’s running them under cold water. The burns left by the backlash of the spell are… bad, the skin bubbled and raw. Conjurer’s burn is an occupational hazard but he’s never been so stupid as to let himself fail at a summoning this badly. Never felt the results like this.

He’s infinitely lucky not to be dead, of course. He knows that down to his bones. Lucky to be here - he couldn’t have worked a PINpoint like this.

The burns are nothing he couldn’t heal… if he only had the use of his hands. Felix allows himself to groan and swear with the pain- and the anger at himself. The house is empty, nobody cares. He does have a stash of potions, though the way his body complains he doubts he’ll have anything strong enough to fully tackle what he’s done to himself. He goes for the best one- the emergency elixir stashed in a cupboard, gingerly maneuvering it down to the counter with his seared hands. Hugging it in the crook of his elbow as he painfully gets the stopper off.

When he lifts the hefty bottle to drink- he tips his head back, there’s a moment of nauseating dizziness - it slips out of his fumbling hands, spilling across the counter as it bounces-

-rolls-

-hits the floor and smashes.

Felix stares at the ghastly mess over the tiles. At the ghastly mess of his hands. For some reason all he can think despite the despair and the burning pain is What am I going to tell Jim?

And oddly, that’s when something clicks. He understands, quite suddenly. Not knowing whether to laugh or cry, Felix starts to do both. A painful, racking, sobbing laugh as he slumps against the counter and lets himself just… surrender for a minute.

What are you going to tell him? Idiot. You don’t even know what to tell yourself.

Comments

[conjuredskies]

It's long past the point where Felix can seriously complain about his supplies being raided. He's spent enough time in the woods - or more often, these days, the shops of Solitude - getting extra supplies to make up for those lost to kneazle munchies.

Besides, at this moment the Imperial is stretching his freed legs and rearranging himself to let Jim help him eat. It's... intimate, considering everything still hanging unresolved between them.

"Thanks," he murmurs when Jim settles down with him, earnest gratitude in it. "It smells really good..." Even if it's going to take some work to sate his stomach's eager growling. A few quiet minutes while Jim spoons stew into his mouth and Felix's eyes keep tracking back to his expression. He seems more... tired, now, than angry. That's probably good. And Felix is already starting to feel less dire with some food in his belly and an hour or so of a cat purring atop him.

"Remember to eat yours too," he chides after a bit, though he softens his tone. The words exchanged before are still bright and fresh in his mind. "I don't want to hog it all."

[smartass_captain]

They've all learned the hard way which things Tiber can readily eat of Felix's pack and which to avoid. Thankfully, Tiber's smart enough to know which things to avoid himself. But insects are a favorite snack (albeit not as good as when they're fresh for catching).

"Anytime. You've certainly helped me plenty before..." Jim might have scowled before for grabbing Felix's favorites from the replicator, but here and now its a blessing to have his husband eating heartily. It means less of a chance they'll have to do this again before tomorrow. Jim's not unaware of how helpless this must feel to Felix. He'd be losing his mind if he was the one in bed.

"Relax. I brought enough for two." He's going to rearrange himself on the side of the bed to turn toward filling his own stomach since Felix seems to be done. Jim grabs up the other slice of bread quickly enough. Despite everything Jim can't put off eating a proper meal forever. He's starving as he digs into his food.

"...I'm listening whenever you're ready, by the way." Glancing up from the bowl toward Felix for just a moment. While talk of Rielle is sure to put him off eating Jim's pretty sure there's much more to the story of why he ended up there. Plenty of time he figures to finish his food if Felix is ready to talk.

[conjuredskies]

"And will again, I've no doubt..." It's not pointed, despite the context. Felix hasn't the will or the high ground to start with barbs now. Even less when he's already truly grateful for his husband's attentions.

If something like this had happened to him just a few years ago, would he have had anywhere to go for help? When he was just an adventuring conjurer, would he have made it out with his life, let alone the promise of recovering his hands?

He's staring at Jim and pondering how lucky he is when that glance and quiet remark interrupt his thoughts. Felix swallows. Well, can't put it off forever. Though he sits back on the pillows, tipping his head back toward the ceiling for a minute. He's... not sure he can look at Jim's face while he talks about this.

"Well... after the Runeblades, uh..." His mouth goes dry, Felix losing the thread of his words for a moment, "began... influencing me. I did a lot of things I shouldn't have. They had me- no, I mean, I needed research materials. For what I was trying to do. So at one point I... got my friend Mathieu from the College of Whispers to help me get into their restricted library. I'm not a member, you see, and if anyone had really valuable tomes on the higher uses of necromancy... or. Well. Any of the magic I thought I wanted to study."

He draws a long breath and ploughs onward. "Anyway, the problem is, I made off with an armful of those books before I was done with them. I took them back for further study. To... Rielle. Where I was holing up."

[smartass_captain]

Jim still sulks a bit when Felix says as much, but on a thought he can't deny that. Felix knows all too well how Jim feels about protecting his crew. The responsibilities he has as the Enterprise-A's captain, to say nothing about Jim's own reckless nature.

"...Probably." He accepts, instead, and even this is an understatement when 'definitely' is the word they should be using. But it's a start. A concession, no matter what their discussion had been before. Jim's at least willing to listen and consider now. Jim shifts slightly on the bed to give Felix the room he needs to stretch out, lie back and consider what he's going to say. This isn't going to be easy to hear; there's no scenario Jim can imagine where it'll be easy to talk about either.

If it were easy, Felix probably wouldn't have lied about it in the first place. Best to look down at his bowl and focus on the food Jim's working at while he's got the chance. A wise idea considering the mere mention of the Runeblades sends a chill down the captain's spine.

"Mmh." Noncommittal. A grunt of affirmation that Jim is following more than any real opinion. The captain stares down at the remnants of his meal. The stew doesn't look so appetizing all of a sudden. He forces a few more bites--he's fine. Everything is alright for the moment. Felix's ownership of his actions cut nearly as deep as the mention of those cursed blades. Nausea sweeps over the captain and he quietly puts the tray on the side table. He doesn't want to see smears of dark liquid and chunks of flesh right now.

Coffee is better. Jim doesn't have to look at it and the smell is a comfort he clings to.

"But. You didn't find them when you went back." Jim supplies softly. He's pretty sure there weren't any books lying around at the house. Pretty sure, but not totally certain. He'd only been looking for Felix that night.

[conjuredskies]

"No." Felix closes his eyes. Now isn't the time to think on what a worthless waste of time that was-

"No, I- I searched the upper chamber. Where I'd been sleeping." At first. When he'd still slept. "I thought they had to be there, I must have gone through every scrap of paper in there three times over. But... they weren't. Which means I had to have... taken them further down. Where I was working."

He's quiet for a few moments. Not sure how much of what he saw or sensed there was real. It had felt real... "I only made it to the top of the stairs. I think... I think there's something still down there."

[smartass_captain]

At first Jim says nothing. His hands grip tightly to the ceramic to keep from shaking. Felix took them further down. Down to a dark place that smelled of rotting meat and fetid water. Jim's stomach rolls. He has to bare his teeth to physically force back the urge to be sick. He's got no idea how pale he is, how tight his expression has become while Felix speaks. It's been years, now.

After all this time, Jim really thought he'd be alright.

But all it takes is mention of that dark flooded cave filled to the brim with shambling horrors that reach out in the gloom. Of skin soughing off as limbs brushed against him, covering his hair and clothing in their decay. (Deep breaths. In and out.) Felix is right here. Felix never became one of them. He's right here.

"There were...too many." Jim's voice is tight. "We couldn't get rid of all of them."

[conjuredskies]

He opens his eyes at the strain in Jim's voice. The fear he's fighting down before it turns into panic. And that alone drags Felix back from sinking into his own memories- standing on the precipice of a shadowed stairway, the wash of fetid air snuffing out the light, the unwanted memories of what he did down there- it all becomes that much less important beside the knowledge that his husband is afraid. Not gone. But faded, unfocused. Less real and less tangible than the shudder in Jim's breath and the sick look in his face.

Felix leans over, rests a bandaged hand on Jim's arm. Tugs it until the other looks at him, if only to urge him not to do that and risk hurting himself.

"I... yeah." Should he say he knows? Remind them both of how many he made? How aware he was of the rescue team's progress through his-their domain? Felix doesn't know. It takes a few minutes before he can bring himself to say any more. He's trying not to think too hard when he does.

"I don't... know how long they would last. Most of them. I don't think I was that skilled. The enchantments might have frayed, or run out of power..."

[smartass_captain]

It's like turning over a page in a playbook and recognizing the next act by name. Felix tugs on his husband's arm until he nearly spills his coffee and as assuredly as the sun rises in the morning Jim's brow furrows with his worry as he turns to face Felix directly.

"You're going to hurt yourself again--just because the medicine numbs the pain doesn't mean you're healed just yet." But it's a hand to pull Jim up safely out of the ocean of nightmares he'd been sinking down into the depths of. It's an anchor to the here and the now rather than the past both men here have tried so very hard to forget.

Jim's hands are still warm through Felix's bandages as he eases his husband back to where he should be resting. Rielle and those blades are still hurting Felix even now. But Jim isn't a mage, no matter how much he's tried to observe them. The information Felix divulges brings the first whispers of relief to the captain's fears.

"They're not...permanent? But you said..." Felix said he thought. But he could be wrong. It could have just been his own fear and bad memories getting to him. "Then how'd you...you're supposed to be an expert with Conjuration. How did you get hurt?"

[conjuredskies]

"I know, but-" There's no arguing with Jim, though, and honestly Felix is too grateful to see his husband's thoughts turn anywhere else besides that dark place. And he'll do all manner of unwise things if it'll keep Jim from that.

Which is rather what got them into this position in the first place, though, so perhaps he'd best keep a leash on that inclination.

"I-" He shakes his head, unable to explain all the things he needs to in one breath. "Not like that. I don't know what's still down there. A skilled necromancer could make a zombie last for years, centuries even, but even with the Runeblades I was... only practicing yet." He swallows back bile, pushes down the memory of how much more they had planned. He had planned, with their encouragement.

"I think- well. It doesn't matter, I never saw what was in there. My light failed and I- I got out." His heart is pounding again, mouth dry with the echo of that mindless terror. "I couldn't go any further down. It was foolish, I've fought zombies, I should have..."

But maybe this is the wrong time to say he should have handled that. The squeeze of Jim's hands brings him back to the question. Felix bites his lip as he looks up at the captain.

"I couldn't go back in. So I thought, I could summon something to go in for me."

[smartass_captain]

No matter how many times its explained to him Jim never talks about Conjuration and Necromancy as being the same school of magic. When he says Felix Caelus is the expert when it comes to Conjuration, he's speaking to lesser daedra--to familiars and atronachs who protect the mage when called upon. To the Princes Felix holds reputation with and barters for favor. But he knows logically that in Tamriel they are very much one and the same. Perhaps it's why he'd assumed those undead would yet still be roaming around in the depths.

"You were afraid." Jim can't blame his husband for that. He's afraid right now just thinking about what's still down there. What they're going to have to go back and face. "Did...did you flame atronach do this to you?"

[conjuredskies]

"No." That's immediate, certain. "I needed a creature that wouldn't be throwing fire around- something powerful enough to deal with whatever was down there and not get distracted- and, well, something with hands."

Sweet Sanguine, he wishes he had a drink. Jim probably won't give him one. "I made a ritual circle and summoned a dremora. They're, uh, a race of warrior daedra that serve some of the Princes. More powerful and complex than my other summons, but I had the circle, I should have been able to bind it. Only..." He exhales, eyes distant. "It's all so jumbled. I must have lost focus. I know I lost control of the summoning and it... came apart. It exploded in my hands, hence... you know. I guess I hit my head when I was thrown back."

[smartass_captain]

When he says it like that, Jim feels foolish for asking if it was Felix's flame atronach at all. He'd only been thinking about the burns on Felix's body, about the light she would have been able to provide down below. The atronach is a being of destructive fire though. While she doesn't burn what Felix doesn't ask her to Usually there would have been too much risk. Books are flammable and her hands would incinerate them surely.

But the other atronachs, the familiar, they don't have hands at all. To try a new summon, beings powerful enough to serve Princes directly, in a place like Rielle when Felix was already too shaken to venture down himself...

Felix admits to nothing but Jim remembers all too well the mangled state of his armor. Where it looked to have taken a heavy blow. Not by fire nor an explosion but by a weapon. If Felix didn't venture down into Rielle's deeper lairs then he could only have been attacked by the dremora itself.

"How...long is it going to stay summoned? The dremora?" It made the journey over between planes. It attacked his husband. It's not bound by Felix's control. Lucky indeed that Rielle is secluded far from any nearby towns, but still.

[conjuredskies]

"Potentially... until it's slain or otherwise banished. It's a living spirit with its own magic: it's much more robust than a lesser undead."

Bad news upon bad news- and Stratos will be even less happy to hear about this part.

"I think... it might stay close to Rielle. At least for a while."

[smartass_captain]

Great.

So they've got a summoned spirit to slay on top of whatever else is crawling around in Rielle's depths. But the dremora at least is an enemy Jim can focus on. A creature that's tried and failed to kill his husband. When the only alternatives are feeling weak, sick fear Anger is a welcome friend. It ripples underneath his skin and strengthens Jim's resolve.

He knows better than to be blinded by that desire for vengeance again, but it does wonders to help steady his hands.

"Good. We'll deal with it when we....take care of the rest. I don't care what plane its from. My phaser was enough to stun you. I think I can stall a spirit warrior long enough to...do whatever we need to do. Banish it or deal with it."

[conjuredskies]

It's such a... a Jim response that Felix can't help but feel a little lighter, a wash of gratitude for his husband's immediate determination. He doesn't flinch- doesn't know enough to balk at what Felix has done nor to quail at what they-

Well. That's where it sinks in, what Jim is thinking. It's not like he didn't expect it, but Felix feels a heaviness in his chest all the same.

"...You mean to go with me."

[smartass_captain]

The fact that Felix still thinks he can talk Jim out of going with him is crazy. After everything Felix has done, after everything that's happened to him....No, Jim won't let Felix face this alone. He's willing to bet Stratos will be of the same mind.

"We face our struggles together." Firm.

[conjuredskies]

"Even aside from the dremora, I don't know what else might have moved in since I left. It... might be more than some... leftover zombies."

As if even that would be the worst thing about going back down there. As if that's what he's most afraid to face. He's not looking at Jim now and it's... it's not exactly terror or stubbornness haunting his expression. It's guilt. Shame.

[smartass_captain]

Thinking about going back still turns Jim's stomach and makes his fingers feel cold as ice. He hasn't suddenly stopped fearing Rielle just because he's decided to support Felix in this. If getting over trauma were as simple as deciding to do so Jim would be a much healthier person in general. Even in the future there are some hurts that just can't be easily healed. But there's not Only fear soaking though Jim anymore.

He's faced hell before. There's comfort, too, in knowing he won't be alone.

"Then you'll need a bigger gun to handle it, won't you? Well. Spell. You know what I mean." It's not easy to sit and watch his husband look so ashamed. Jim's first instinct is to wrap his arms around Felix's shoulders and whisper reassurance in his ear. But it's just...not that simple. Aside from their own argument, Felix needs to realize he's made a mistake. Needs to own it.

It's still not easy.

"I....I promise if I can't handle it, we'll turn back and try to come up with another plan. Alright? You'll have a better chance of sorting this out with me along."

[conjuredskies]

Just that is a hell of a concession from Jim. A promise, up front, ahead of time, that Jim will resist his own do-or-die impulses, acknowledge that he might need to back out for his own well-being. It drags Felix's eyes back to him, widening now. How can he argue with that inexorable logic? That kind of gesture? No matter how much he wants to reject the idea of bringing Jim back there...

Gods, he feels so exhausted by his own emotions.

"...I'm more afraid that I won't handle it."

[smartass_captain]

"....Oh."

Hot on the heels of that promise, and Felix makes the stakes so much higher. Going back to Rielle with backup in tow is a prospect Jim's only half certain he can handle to begin with. But to go alone? Certain he'd do it, less certain if he'd sleep at night for months to come after. What's he supposed to say to that? They can't just leave a man's reputation and possibly life in tatters because they're too afraid to set things right.

Jim knows what he has to do. But he's very sure Felix won't like it.

"Well. You've already tried once. I can't ask you to go back. I'll....I'll figure something out."

[conjuredskies]

It takes a few moments to really understand what Jim is saying, but then Felix is pushing himself up and grabbing for him, regardless of his husband's urging.

"You can't- don't you dare think of going back alone!" Not after the talk they just had. "You can't get angry at me for running off alone and then do the same damn thing!" He doesn't know if there's more fear or outrage driving his words.

[smartass_captain]

Jim doesn't pull away though annoyance is flickering through him immediately to see Felix trying to grab for him again. To hear his husband's complaints loud enough they can probably be heard from the corridor outside.

"I didn't say I was going back alone, Felix. I said I wasn't going to force you to go back if you couldn't handle it!" He needs to not shout. Not get swept up into this escalation of emotional outburst but it's so hard. So hard not to dig in his heels and push for a fight.

"Calm down. I'm not going anywhere tonight." Not while Felix is still hurt.

[conjuredskies]

He quiets, at least- calmed more by the reminder that Jim's not going anywhere yet. His weak hold on Jim relaxes further, though he's not lying back.

"That just means you'll take Stratos." The other man who's already had to do too much to bail him out. "That doesn't make it better. I'm not asking you to fix my mistakes again. I'm just- afraid I'm going to start remembering things and lose my grip like last time-"

He swallows. Looks at his hands. "If I fuck up again, you'll be there to get hurt."

[smartass_captain]

"Felix if you think we're getting out of this without Stratos tagging along you're crazy. He's as worried as I was and it's as like your Uncle won't even let us up there without him in tow already." Terentius and Stratos already know what's happened. At least as much as Jim did before Felix started coming clean with the details.

There's not much chance they're going to sneak out again. Jim's been sending their brother regular updates on Felix's condition. Hopes it's helped ease Stratos' worries being a world away somewhat.

"We have to go back and see them the moment you're recovered enough to go anyway."

[conjuredskies]

"...I know." He closes his eyes, exhaling sharply. He still doesn't want it to be true, but he's kind of lost his chance to decide how this should go.

"I just don't want you to go there without me. I. I don't want to go back. But it should be me."