conjuredskies | In From the Cold (for smartass

How many weeks has Jim longed for the faint hum of warp engines underfoot once more? A comforting sound he'd only just gotten back after a year and more spent in a borrowed living quarters on Yorktown already snatched out of reach so quickly by Winter's jaws clamping down on the Nexus. How the captain has longed to have his own bed once more with his husband curled up against him, with neither one of them in pain from the cold or the hunger. To treat this Winter like a bad dream and forget all about it after a stint in the sonic and the first of many replicated cups of coffee during his shift.

Just another nightmare.

Every day he'd wake on the cot though, with Felix clinging to him for warmth. The both of them wasting away to malnutrition. A growing fatigue that never abated. Every day Isidor Durant would ask what they could do and Jim would answer because they needed to survive. Did she ever suspect he was breaking her own rules? She wouldn't have known just how this sort of situation would affect him. No one would.

Almost no one.

Jim doesn't rouse right away but his change in breathing makes Tiber squirm and get up to stretch out before the kneazle starts butting his head against Jim's face with an even louder purr to welcome him back to the land of the wakeful. Back to the ship. Back home. Whether it's the kneazle or the sounds of the ship or what--the moment the pieces of the setting fall into place he's gasping and struggling to sit up. Too weak yet to bolt about with his usual frenetic energy but the desire to is still very much intact.

How? When?

Tiber hops off of Jim to miss the worst of the weak thrashing of sheets, though he's still butting his head against the captain's side when Jim manages to drag himself up into a sitting position to try and ease the human's panicked sweating and heartrate. His mouth feels like a desert and he's dizzy already. And yet...

"Felix..?!?"

There's a soft sound of dislodged cushions, then a louder sound as something tumbles off the couch and nearly knocks a plate off the table en route. Felix has to stagger up properly and catch himself on the couch arm, blinking and groggy from the sleep that stole up on him.

"Juh-" He works his mouth and swallows. "Jim?" Another second and he's over by the bed, exhaling in relief. He leans against it and reaches out to touch Jim's shoulder. Press a palm against his forehead. "It's all right, I'm right here. Take it easy. Lemm- let me get you some water."

He knows what's going to come. Knows there will be consequences for what he did last night. But in this moment Jim is safe and they are home and his heart is light in his exhausted body. He'll be back with the water, and a warm damp cloth to wipe the captain's face with.

The sound startles him but truthfully Jim doesn't have the strength to go throwing himself off of beds so swiftly even if he'd be liable to in most other situation. He won't even make it to getting a foot planted on the floor before Felix is there assuaging the knee-jerk fear that somehow Jim was alone back here. In the snippets of half-remembered consciousness he was sure he'd heard Felix's voice.

"Wh--" Felix is gone before he can stammer out a question, before Jim can organize his jumbling thoughts into any kind of facsimile of order. Felix is here and they're back on the ship. It's as far as he'd gotten. His hands shake with the glass enough to spill a bit over his shirt but the water is clean. The thought makes him shake again. He's going to finish it before he even thinks about setting the glass aside.

"How...?" The captain's voice is tight with emotions barely held in check. Anguish and tears he's kept from spilling all this time.

He managed to pull off their damp outer clothes and boots and throw them in a corner before he passed out. Never managed to eat half the food he was given. Now Felix sits up on the bed with him, an arm wrapping around Jim's waist just to feel him there. Safe and warm...

"It's okay. It's okay, Jim. We're safe. We're back on the ship. I..." and there he hesitates. "I found a way back. I... got us out."

The platitudes stick like barbs into Jim's skin as the base rejection of pity tries to kick in but he's too weak to fight it right now. All he manages is a frustrated groan in the back of his throat. Right now the urge to just fall back onto the bed and drop off into another long untroubled sleep is strong.

They're on the ship. They're safe.

They'll be taken care of.

He's forgetting something. Felix's hand is warm against Jim's skin. They should eat soon. Not too much--Jim knows from hard experience what recovering from this will be like. He'll probably have to tell Isidor though. Warn the...rest...of..

There's cold prickling the back of Jim's neck that has nothing to do with the temperature controls in their quarters. An icy weight of a question he already knows the answer to lingering in his gut. The ship couldn't hold so many extra people and there's be no way to explain the circumstances. No one's beating down his door for answers.

"Where are the others...?"

Edited 2019-03-30 13:23 (UTC)

The platitudes aren't all for Jim's benefit. Felix is trying to reassure himself, too. Taking in the fact that it worked... and thinking over exactly what he did.

Something that Jim's next question brings to the forefront uncomfortably fast.

He inhales, and for a moment the question hangs in the silence between them. Felix can feel his heart sink as he makes himself explain.

"Still in the Nexus," he says quietly. His arm around Jim loosens, anticipating the other man pulling away. "I couldn't... they were fine when we left, I swear."

Tiber's reaching up to put his nosy beans on Felix's leg, pawing at him to answer the question that is causing Jim so much distress.They were gone and something has happened to them both but he can't understand just what sort of (mis)adventure he's missed out on.

Jim's breath rushes out of his lungs in a raspy swear in vehement Andorian, lurching toward the side of the bed. To try and get up. Get a uniform pulled on. Something. Anything.

All it does is make the room spin even worse and he ends up on his knees when his legs give out underneath his shaky weight. Jim's hands fist in the duvet while he struggles to try and push himself up. They're back in the Nexus? The supplies, the expedition plans, the consequences for failure are all still real. This happened and his own feebleness proves it. But why...how? Only them?

Jim grits his teeth before he pushes himself to his feet. Sways dangerously before his hand latches onto the wall to support his weight. Next to him Tiber lets out a low meow that's nearly painful to hear for how full of worry it is but stays out from underfoot as Jim yanks open his wardrobe.

Edited 2019-03-30 16:27 (UTC)

"Jim-" Felix's first impulse is to reach out and try to steady him, but the captain lurches out of reach and he's left worriedly stroking Tiber's head. He scrambles to his feet when Jim hits the floor, though, coming around the bed and trying to reach for him again.

"Let me help. Please." Jim's not looking at him and he can't tell if it's exhaustion or-

How ashamed he'll be of you.

"...Please?"

"They're still in the Nexus. Why are we back if they're still in the Nexus?!" The how no longer really matters. However they got back it wasn't a way anyone else could use. Felix wouldn't just abandon everyone if there were a feasible way to get people out.Nor would he have let this go for so long were that the case.

All this time, all the rituals. Was that what this was all for? Just for the two of them?

"I have to--" Hands are on his shoulders and Felix is lucky that Jim's too weak to throw a punch right now because the flash of anger is very much real. "They're starving, Felix!" Trying to pull out of Felix's grip is only going to end with Jim on his ass on the floor shaking with emotion he can't sustain right now.

"We have to go back. I have to go back."

Felix sinks to the floor with him, the twisting knot in his chest echoed in his expression.

"You can't. We can't." That's technically not true and he doesn't technically care. "The PINpoints still don't work, Jim. And I won't- they're going to be fine. They still have the expedition. They'll find what they need. With your notes and plans they'll survive."

Jim's not the kind of man to leave anyone behind, not the kind of man to lead from the safety of the back lines. Definitely not the sort to put his own safety above another's, especially not so many. Felix knows more than most about Jim's past, more than anyone else save for his other self. So he should know why Jim's upset.

Hell, he's told Felix about Altamid even more recently.

"This isn't...how could you leave them behind? If you were going to--if you were going to get yourself to safety, you could have." Why did he take Jim? But Jim knows the answer. Because if he could save only one person, it would have been Felix. It doesn't make the knowledge that Isidor and his friends and all the other people they were protecting are back there suffering while he's warm and safe back aboard his ship.

"Fuck...!"

"Because I had to! I couldn't take anyone else. Because I'm not you." It comes out in a jumbled guilty rush and he sucks in breath before he says anything more. His eyes are on Jim's face and his despair and just... that look in his eyes that Felix will do anything to try and stop. Has done.

"Because I can't save everyone," he says more quietly. "And I won't let you destroy yourself trying to."

Because he does know. He does understand, well enough to see how it would end.

Better to die saving lives than to live with taking them.

Isn't that how it goes? That's how Jim sees the world but Felix Caelus isn't, has never been Jim Kirk. And he knows Jim well enough to see that he would absolutely follow through with that mantra before he left a single person behind. He's sounded Jim out well enough to step in and intervene on his behalf. It's something Spock or Bones might do, and even as Jim's making the comparison he's gritting his teeth because it doesn't make him any less angry that it came to this.

That someone who wasn't him made the call. But that's what happens when people care about you. Spend enough time sticking your neck out for others and someone's bound to try and do it back eventually.

"I wasn't--" The captain isn't going to try and sell that lie when he's too weak to stand on his own. It doesn't stop the vitriolic hatred at his own weakness or inability to help those who have been left behind. Or the way his heart wrenches at how desperate Felix looks at this moment staring back at Jim.

"Fucking...can't believe you. Why didn't you tell me what you were planning? I could have helped--maybe we could have found a way to make it work! We didn't try."

"You would have stopped me." They both know that's true. "You wouldn't have left without the others and you wouldn't have backed down from going on that expedition. I was... I tried to find another way. For weeks. I should have taken you away before the PINpoints stopped working but I ran out of time."

He swallows. "We couldn't take the others. It doesn't work that way. It's not like your science. I was lucky I had anything to bargain for this much."

Jim wants to argue. The words hang in the air between them and to each of them they are a silent accusation. What Felix felt he had to do versus what Jim believed to be his responsibility. The captain can't stop imagining Isidor and the others suffering, cold and hungry. The expedition they planned was hardly a guarantee. The dangers ahead of them all frighteningly real and everyone so weak after weeks of their ordeal...

And yet he can't quite fathom losing Felix there. There's a part of him that squirms at the thoughts brought to the surface when Furiosa told him to look after her people if she fell. At how he trembled at even the thought of Felix being left alone should Jim die out there. He knows survivor's guilt.

It doesn't make him feel any better now.

Accepting such an answer, settling for the world the way it is has never sat well with him. He doesn't believe in losing. Even when it's happening.

"What did it cost to save the two of us?" Maybe...maybe. If Felix doesn't have anything more to barter then Jim could try. He doesn't know how dangerous that might be, only that he has to at least try to make a suggestion. Try to make a difference. Try...to save the others.

"Jim... no." His heart might break to say it but he can't do this. Felix reaches out to touch Jim's face, cupping his cheek, willing him to understand. "We're lucky we both have our souls right now. I had something they wanted, last time. Something we can both live without. It won't be that simple again. And- and they won't let you take the others regardless. Reynard wants them there. Or Winter does. It's one thing for two to slip away but taking all his..."

...There's no good word to use there.

"...They'd be the ones who paid the price, Jim."

"They're already paying the price." Reynard. It's not the first time he's pulled this kind of shit during winter but never has it been this bad before. Never have so many suffered, cut off from their worlds. Jim doesn't understand how a man who's so pleasant to be around the rest of the year can be so dangerous in winter.

He doesn't understand spirits or their natures. To Jim, Reynard is--was-- a friend. One that's seemingly turned on them. Even if he had an enemy in the Nexus he was trying to deal with, to get everyone else caught up in the collateral damage...It's unthinkable.

"So what are we supposed to do? Relax in comfort and pretend our friends aren't back there fighting for their lives?"

"Tend to your ship." He's thought about this. About what he'd say. "Take care of each other. Rest. Get stronger. So when the PINpoints begin to work again you can go back ready to help them."

He doesn't know if that's enough. If his reasoning will make Jim somehow overlook what Felix did to get him here against his will. But his hands are on Jim's arms and he's kneeling in front of his betrothed - his husband - willing the man to understand.

"I couldn't... I couldn't let it happen again. Don't you see...?"

Felix's hands are on his arms and his plea is desperate. He couldn't let Jim relive it again. And Jim does see, even if he doesn't like it. Felix recognized the shape of the shadow that was swallowing Jim whole and took him out of it before he was lost to its depths. He's mad, yes. But Jim also understands.

Tend to the ship.

That thing Jim's been forgetting, all this time? It's smacking into him suddenly hard enough to make him suck in a sharp breath far too quickly. He has to cough at the discomfort it causes but it doesn't derail the realization that he's been missing form his ship for months at this point. Just how in the hell are they going to explain this?

"I can't believe Headquarters isn't crawling up my ass this second trying to figure out where we've been all this time. Fuck, this isn't the sort of thing we can just explain away, either..." And yet his quarters is still here intact. Tiber is still here and well fed. Neither Spock or Bones are lingering and with the hum of the engines he's sure they're heading somewhere rather than docked at a Starbase.

Felix sees that realization hit and there's a selfish kind of relief in it. Something for Jim to trouble himself with that isn't getting mad at Felix or questioning how he pulled off this abduction.

"It's all right." His hands squeeze tighter. "It's all right, Jim. We've been gone a day- a couple of days, at most. It's still the beginning of the winter in this universe. Spock and McCoy know the truth, but officially you had- some flu, the doctor named it last night." He'd been too exhausted himself to take in every detail, just trying to explain enough for Jim's concerned friends to let them be.

"He wanted you in sickbay but Spock talked him out of it, thank Stendarr."

"Wh--no that's not--"

That's not at all how the time dilatation between their worlds usually works. Jim might be weak and on the verge of passing back out but he knows that much. For how long he's gone back and forth between his ship--his universe--and the Nexus he's got a fairly strong idea of how the time difference works.

It means Jim's right back on focusing how Felix pulled this off, though at least not in the sort of way that involves trying to yell at his husband.

"You--he did? How did we get back...Felix that doesn't make sense. Are we in the right world?"

"We are. I promise, this is your Enterprise. You know I could always tell the difference. Besides, how else would your crew have known me?" He draws a long breath. "I... made a pact to get us back. And daedra don't... their realms aren't bound to the linear progression of our time. Times. So... this was a small bonus."

Felix has a way of telling the people from various planes apart and Jim's seen him do it before. It never occurred to him that he'd be equally as able to tell the places themselves apart. Maybe he means he checked to make sure Bones and Spock were the right ones...but again they wouldn't have known who Felix was if they weren't.

Probably. The captain groans in frustration.

Jim's too damn tired to think out the If/Thens of alternate realities and their governance right now. On the one hand his desire to go back to the Nexus with more supplies is redoubled thinking that they've got time on their side, but even that urge is tempered with the slow begrudging realization that Kirk can't help anyone until he's helped himself. Neither Spock nor Bones will even countenance listening to him until he's rested. Recovered enough to be fit for duty.

Or at least what Jim considers to be fit for duty that Bones will relent to. No one's going to help Jim get back into that place looking like he does now. Half dead sitting on his floor in a delirium.

"Have you...eaten yet?"

Felix relaxes slowly. Not just because he seems to be off the hook. Because it sounds like Jim's panic is fading, and he's turning his mind instead to the immediate problems that face them. He's accepted their situation.

Which means Felix can stop worrying so much and finally let out that long sigh of breath he's been holding in all this time. They're safe, safe and warm and he can actually make the most of it now. Focus on looking after Jim.

"I... don't remember. I tried. They gave me some kind of... bran paste." That's what it tasted like to him, anyway. He'd got some stew out of the replicator as soon as they left him alone. Not that that had fared any better, since... He shrugs weakly. "I couldn't stay awake."

Jim grimaces at the mention of the mash, but it's honestly not surprising that actual food would probably be a poor idea at least at first after what they've gone through. Which means means he's probably even worse off. Ration bars might stay down but anything from the replicator is just asking for his enfeebled insides to mutiny.

"I don't suppose Bones left you any instructions for when I woke up aside from going to see him...?" He doesn't relish the idea of heading down to the medbay just yet. Facing Bones and his completely reasonable questions that Jim won't have an answer for. Or at least, won't want to give an answer for.

And for all his stomach twists painfully at the thought of food within reach, there's a strong urge to just go back to sleep lingering too. Probably not a great sign right now though.

"Not to let you pass out again before you ate something. On pain of a trip to the sickbay." And to call him, of course, but Bones had to know Felix would take that as optional. But making Jim eat? The conjurer's all in favor of that. If Jim sleeps without food he'll just get weaker and sleepier.

He pushes himself back on the floor and starts the process of clambering wearily to his feet. Then extends a hand to Jim. "...Come on, beloved. It's your turn to be looked after."

Jim watches Felix struggle to get to his feet. He can't understand the tumultuous warring emotions that mingle unwanted in his chest. Licking flames of anger that dance away when the heavy iron weight of worry presses against his ribs instead. A fierce pride that swells when his betrothed finds his feet that chills and withers to shame that leaves Jim without breath. It's all too much at once and never has one person meant so much to him before.

He's felt conflicted before about people. Friends and more but nothing like this. Nothing like this sea of swirling currents that threaten to pull him under but for the hand extended toward him to pull the captain up to his feet. It's too much. Jim's too exhausted yet. Clammy hands grip onto Felix's and allow the mage to pull Jim up to his own two shaky feet. Nothing is going to be processed either emotionally or logically until he's had a chance to rest.

"I'm not so great at that." It's the least Jim can admit to, knowing that by now Felix will be aware at least somewhat of how bad off Jim was when Felix brought him away if Bones has had a chance to look him over. "Anywhere's got to be more comfortable than the floor though."

Felix is usually more cautious. More aware that wounded feelings and causes for anger don't simply vanish. But he's exhausted in so many ways, and for now it's too easy to believe that Jim is - not happy, but on the way to forgiving him.

Felix wants to believe it'll be that simple.

They both have to catch their balance as Jim's pulled to his feet. Felix grabs at Jim's arm and holds him steady, hopeful affection all over his face.

"We don't have to go far." Just over to the couch. He nudges Jim to sit down, pushes the uneaten food aside roughly before he goes to get more of that mash stuff. "Eat what you can, and then we'll see if you can manage a shower before you rest."

It's not the worst Jim's ever been. Experience helps tamp down on the urge to eat as much as he can get his hands on no matter how tasteless. It's food, sustenance, nutrition and he needs it badly. But Jim also knows what will wait for him if he rushes this so he makes himself sit up straight rather than hunching over the bowl. Forces himself to take his time with every measured bite.

It's a blessed reprieve from everything Jim can't make himself focus on yet. Counting and waiting taking up all of his active thoughts. It leaves Felix time for his own hopes. His own denial. It's easy to think everything is moving toward being fine. Tiber's curled up on the far end of the couch purring with contentment for having Jim back. He knows well enough not to curl up on Jim yet.

Unease flickers through Jim's expression as he strips for the shower but it only lasts a couple of seconds. He feels like he hasn't been entirely bare like this for months and the thought of wasting water jolts him awake just enough for him to remember they're on the ship. A sonic is much less worrisome for him now. He needs a deep, long bath at some point but not tonight. They'd both drown in the tub when they inevitably pass out. It's with a numb autopilot that Jim brushes his hair and teeth. Things he hasn't had the luxury to worry about now a small comfort.

Jim's clean. Fed. Safe.

It will still have to be Felix who lays them down together but he may not notice that. Jim doesn't pull away from him. There's no energy left to do anything but relent to the siren call of sleep for some time...

Felix isn't as restrained as Jim, but luckily he's more focused on making sure Jim eats than inhaling his own meal. Reaching out to stroke Tiber's back in reassurance. Helping Jim strip off and wash and getting them both into bed.

This time he can curl up with Jim. Wrap an arm over his waist and relax against him and sleep... a little easier, this time. There'll be Bones to inform, but that's when he wakes. There'll be dreams, but he won't remember them.

For now, he's content with his reward.

It'll be a while before he rouses again. Makes himself get up and see to clearing up the room.

Jim doesn't rouse when Felix does, at least not at first. The captain lays in bed and listens to the conjurer move about the room with eyes closed.How untroubled his movements are. Lazy from sleep and relaxed. As though all of their friends and companions weren't suffering in some distant date because not even time is the same here as it was.

His stomach twists. Equal parts hunger and disgust.

Jim waits until Felix has excused himself to the shared bathroom before he slips out of bed and pulls on his clothes. Sets the replicator to make him a plain turkey sandwich (should be bland enough to stay down Jim hopes) while he pulls on a clean uniform for the first time in months. He doesn't wait for Felix to come out before he leaves, taking the food with him.

It feels almost unreal marching down the halls of the Enterprise-A after so long being kept from the thrumming hum of her engines. Smooth (but different from the old Enterprise's, Jim hasn't yet forgotten her heartbeat for this one) and comforting. Home.

Yet, somehow. Not where he belongs right now.

Still, he puts on his best face and greets everyone who wishes him well. Waylays any concerns that arise for the captain's well being. A flu, they would have been told. While the truth lay buried in the cold weeks from now in some alternate reality they'll never return to--a world where the crew had to deal with Jim's disappearance. Maybe it's because he's spent so long in the Nexus that he thinks of that so readily. The what if's pile up on top of each other as a distraction from what's eating away at him.

"If it ain't on fire I don't wanna hear about--Jim!" The doctor's startle only adds to Jim's guilt. Torn between a duty he has to his people here--his family--and the people he's left back in the Nexus however unwillingly. Jim puts up suspiciously little fuss as he follows McCoy back into his office and starts nibbling at his sandwich while the doctor locks the door.

"Don't ask. I know you're going to but please. Don't. We were stuck somewhere cold and dark without enough to eat for weeks. That's all you need to know." Jim doesn't want to have to go further. Bones waves the explanation off when he turns around.

"I coulda told you that when Caelus brought you both in. Felix, I mean." That's taking some getting used to yet. "He explained enough of it. What am I missing?"

"...We were the only two who escaped. The others are still there." It's out of a determined need to recover that Jim's eating now. His stomach feels like a lead weight inside of him eating while he thinks of their faces.

"Son of a bitch. No wonder you're half dead." Bones knows just enough to understand why Jim would have been worse off. There was someone to save. Others, too, from the sound of it. Jim's head won't be here on the ship while they're still in danger. "You'd be mad to go back. You were half dead when you got here."

"I can't go back. Not yet, anyway." Captain Kirk glances around the office before he forces the rest of his meager meal down. "I'm too weak yet and we'd only be stuck again or punished for leaving in the first place."

"I won't say I'm sorry he brought you back, Jim." McCoy sees the fire in Jim's gaze when the captain snaps it onto his best friend. He knows nothing is that easy for Jim Kirk. "If you can't go back then--"

"I need to focus on what I can do. Recover. Right?" There's bitterness in Jim's words but not denial. He gets up from where he's been leaning against Bones' desk and settles himself next to the doctor and dutifully rolls up one sleeve so Bones can get to work looking him over.

Focus on what he can do now.

Like have a talk with his husband.

There's a stabbing jolt of fear when he comes out of the bathroom and finds Jim gone. A moment's panic before Felix realizes he can't possibly have gone far. The PINpoints still don't work, and he hid them away for good measure. If Jim's not in the room then he must still be on the ship. Up to the bridge, or to see the doctor. He's never felt the confinement of a ship to be a mercy until now.

He didn't wait to tell Felix he was awake, though. Felix ignores the dancing unease in his stomach. Jim's never been a patient man, and he's likely too tired yet to want to deal with more conversation than necessary. He probably decided just to see his crew and get that part over with.

That must be it.

Which leaves Felix... at a loose end. No Jim to tend to. No bowls left to tidy up. Tiber fed and his water changed. He collapses onto the couch, digs his phone out to send a message to Stratos. But then he's alone with his thoughts for the first time in hours.

He still can't regret anything. There's a twinge of guilt when he remembers Isidor's face. Danny's fear. He tries to imagine what his father would say and he cringes a little in the silence. Caeluses are people of duty, honor, loyalty. His aunt Arvenna and her legion defended the walls of the Imperial City to the last man. Uncle Hesperus killed himself with the strain of keeping his fellow soldiers alive out in the desert. Both his parents risked their lives in the Great War. A hundred generations of ancestors who stood and fought and died with their comrades, for their Emperor, in the name of duty.

So his actions weren't entirely becoming of his lineage. But Felix has always been the one to flirt with disgrace.

And the truth is, if he asks himself: would he rather they'd stayed? Would he have made a different choice, given the chance to do it again? Every fiber of his being screams a shrill and silent 'NO.'

No. He did the only thing that Felix Caelus could do. The others with their machines and their magic and their warriors will be fine.

Felix gets some tea - the warmth is a comfort - but after that the only thing he has strength to do is curl up with a book to stare at.

And wait.

Creaky floorboards don't exist in this world, but Felix has a bit of a tell that Jim's coming back in Tiber popping his head up from where he was sleeping all of a sudden, tail twitching back and forth in agitation before the kneazle hops down and makes a beeline for the door. Gives a butt wriggle before leaping up onto Jim's shoulder and trilling right in his ear to check and see what's bothering his bonded human.

The captain sighs and reaches up to ruffle Tiber's fur between his ears but he's setting the kneazle down almost immediately after. Now is not time for plays or for attention. No distractions, this time.

Jim doesn't bother kicking off his boots before he moves further into the quarters to face Felix where he's spread out on the couch.

"We need to talk."

Well, those are words to make his heart sink. Felix already set his book down when Tiber stirred, but now the slight smile for Jim's arrival is wiped from his face. The conjurer pulls himself up straighter, eyes searching his husband's expression.

"Very well. I think we covered the important parts earlier, but..." It's only natural Jim would have questions. Problems. Try not to dwell on that thought...

"Where do you want to start?" he asks quietly.

The important parts, he says. Like how it's impossible to go back and how they're no longer in the right time to do it anyway. Like how Winter has some kind of a contract its trying to get (Reynard is trying to get?) met to further a goal. Something Felix has only circumvented through dangerous negotiations. The price of which...

"What did it cost to get us out of the Nexus? You didn't answer me before." Jim's sure he'd remember that, no matter how out of it he was. Felix sidestepped then but Jim's taking a step closer now.

"You hid all of this from me. You're Still hiding things from me."

"Just an artifact I had. Nothing we'll miss," is his first reply, because it's true: he never did tell Jim about his dealings with Nocturnal. Never drew any attention to the silver-grey hood rolled up among his things, let alone explained its origin. And now? It's a long story, and one that might not make a lot of sense to Jim. What matters is that Felix reassures him.

And, well. Felix really doesn't talk much about his conjuration. Not to his friends, not his family. Not to the people of his world, who will judge, nor to those of the Nexus, who won't understand. And not to Jim.

"I'm sorry," he says, wary of the look on Jim's face but perhaps misinterpreting the captain's anger. "I told you, I had to hide my plan from you or it would never have worked."

"Felix I have an entire ship worth of 'artifacts' if that's all it takes to appease your daedra."

It can't be so simple and Jim knows it isn't. Anger ripples beneath his skin that Felix thinks he'd buy such a flimsy evasion. That Jim is taking every possible chance for Felix to explain himself and the mage is bound and determined to make the captain feel like a fool for putting that trust into Felix in the first place.

Jim grits his teeth. If he opens his mouth now, there's no telling what would come out. This is his husband for crying out loud. Jim can't just go picking a fight with him but Felix makes him want to so badly. They don't talk about the Many reasons people tell Jim not to trust Felix. They don't talk about Rielle or what lead to it. They don't talk about Felix's conjuration in any great detail. The captain's hardly ever seen Felix do his chosen field of magic.

It's always done hidden away, snuck off into the night whether on the ship or in the Nexus or even in Jim's house in Iowa. Felix clearly doesn't trust Jim with his talents. And yet every time there's trouble Jim's right there to rationalize that Felix meant well. Put his actions in the best light possible.

He loves Felix Caelus with all his heart but goddamn does Jim want to punch his teeth in right now.

"Is this just how it's going to be? You really think I'm going to keep turning the other cheek every time you sneak off to circumvent my goals. Open up to you when you hide everything that makes you who you are no matter how much I say I want to help and learn about you?" How many more times is Jim going to have to charge blindly into a hellscape of Felix's own creation with little more to go on than his own desperation?

He used to get angry when people were so eager to speak ill of Felix. Jim still gets angry about it. But with all of Felix's gods as his witness, Jim does understand them. Again he bites his tongue because to say more would mean treading into waters that are dangerous at best. But it's a pressure of unspoken words building. The captain knows he's far from blameless or perfect. That Felix only acted like this because Jim pushed himself so hard. Felix didn't even try to reason with Jim or ask to talk.

"This can't happen again." Every word is measured, weighed carefully. He's definitely not recovered enough to go to the gym to let off some steam and that lack of outlet for his temper is only making this more difficult.

Jim's flat rebuttal stops him cold. Felix falls silent, eyes on every shift and clench in the captain's expression. He's not allowed to kid himself about what Jim really wants to know. Not any more.

Secrecy has always been a necessity, from the first time he stole off to his room with a borrowed tome on daedra. Every night he slipped into the snows or the woods with a satchel of salts and candles, every coded journal tucked into his pack, every quiet rendezvous by the light of a bonfire. Hiding away from his family's disapproval, his people's fear and disdain, from the Vigil's undiscriminating crackdowns, even from the danger of amateurish imitators.

Secrecy is a habit as ingrained as tying his boots on properly. It's not something he thinks about, for the most part. It's just the way you do things. It's the way that's best for everyone.

Unless your husband is from a different world and lives by another set of rules entirely.

Felix listens. Winces a little when Jim calls him out on the one-sidedness of the honesty between them. But there's a well of simmering emotions lying untapped in him too, and they're beginning to bubble over. Fear and hurt and anger and guilt, because yes, there's so much in the captain's words he can recognize.

"What should I have done, then? Let you tear yourself apart trying to save them all single-handed? Allowed you to stop me from saving you? Stood by and watched you get yourself killed?You would never have agreed to leave."

An unwanted remnant of a memory stabs into Jim's chest and he very nearly shouts that yes Felix should have let him but he stops. It's an unfair request and Jim knows it. They're promised to be wed and that means Jim can't be so cavalier about his own life anymore. He's been trying so hard to be better about it but in this specific case old habits reared their ugly sallow cheeked heads.

"You should have pulled me aside and demanded to talk like I'm doing now." Jim knows his voice is trembling and he's not sure if he's more angry with himself or Felix in this moment. There's guilt in his words too. "When I decided to do this I knew I was giving you my life. I know I'm completely worthless at taking care of it but I do realize there's a reason to now. It would've been a fucking painful conversation but it needed to happen and it didn't."

Jim's at fault too and he knows it. Normally he'd try to dodge that but he won't run away from a poor conversation when that's exactly what he's accusing Felix of doing. The captain's got too much pride for that. Which...might have been part of the problem in the first place.

"I needed to leave, you're right. But us leaving isn't all I'm talking about. It's the rest of it. The way it happened." Opening up all the closets full of skeletons in his heart and meeting nothing but closed doors when he tries to look in turn.

"How can I have a conversation with you about what our options are if you won't tell me anything?"

It's disarming, that kind of admission. Jim owning up to his own self-destructive actions instead of the protest Felix was braced for. Calling the Imperial out for assuming his betrothed couldn't or wouldn't see his point of view. Wouldn't care enough to stop what he was doing.

"I couldn't take the chance," he murmurs yet, albeit weakly. "Not again."

But that's not Jim's point, is it? Felix isn't aware of the way he's drawn his arms close, wrapping them around himself. "You... want me to tell you when I'm working on a ritual...?"

"That's not your decision to make alone."

It can't be that way for either of them anymore. No matter how headstrong or secretive they may be to others, Jim doesn't want those walls up between them. Can't imagine holding Felix at arm's length for most anything. He's holding his anger in check just barely because of that want. Whether Jim will give himself the credit or not he has matured in the years since they first started dating. If this argument had happened earlier, well.

They wouldn't be having a conversation so much as a shouting match and one of them--most likely Jim-- would have stormed off by now so as to avoid a very physical fight.

This is a Jim who recognizes his own mistakes more readily. One who has already faced hell itself for Felix. An argument, no matter how severe, isn't going to make Jim put Them at risk. He sucks in a breath and holds it until he feels his pulse calm down ever so slightly. Lets it out in a drawn out sigh.

"Yes. I don't know hardly anything about your conjuration. To what end you do it, how it works, why you favor it. Nothing. i'm not asking to become your apprentice or the like, but. Goddammit Felix, everything about you is important to me and I can't support you if I'm ignorant. I can't know there's another option or even a chance at one if I don't know what you can do. And for as much as I've told you about everything you ask of me, I can't understand why you hide so much from me."

"Because it's..." He looks so confused. There's a tiny, aborted shake of his head. "It's something you do alone. Or... with people you can stand to lose. Because it's dangerous, and it's... most people find it disturbing."

And maybe Jim is utterly unlike most people of Tamriel. Maybe he can stomach or at least tolerate what they recoil from. But on the other hand...

"The last time I performed a major ritual," he starts, and his fingers dig tighter into his shirt, scrunching the pale blue cloth in his grip, "the last time was..."

Rielle. All that led him there. The things he never wants to talk about, or to bring up in any shape or form. His secrecy sure as hell didn't start there but in some ways it's gotten worse since then. He draws a shuddering breath, trying to make himself calm down and not really succeeding. He does manage to look up at Jim properly.

"I didn't want you to think about that. Or you and Stratos to start worrying again." Thinking he was up to something. Wanting to watch over him. Monitor him. It was more than he wanted to deal with.

Jim sees Felix begin to break and he knows it's too late. Too far. Poison is in Felix's veins as sure as it is in Jim's and his heart aches even as the captain clenches his jaw and holds his ground. He'd been holding back from speaking up too much to stop Felix from ending up here but it's no use in the end.

They both have dark places just waiting to swallow them up inside.

"You thought about me and Tarsus when you made up your mind, didn't you?" It's not an accusation this time. Jim has to will himself not to shake or lose the food he's eaten in the nausea that surfaces thinking about it. Speaking about it aloud. "You think about it all the time, whenever I'm hurting. You' can't not because you worry about me. Because you love me. Because you know and you can't un-know."

Jim reaches out with one hand and rather than grabbing Felix he gently places that hand on his husband's shoulder and steadies him instead.

"That's how I think about Rielle. And I know that's where you're going right now. I tried not to...I don't want you to relive trauma. That's not what I'm asking. But what you do now--it's not the same. It can't be the same because you still do it. You enjoy it. It's what you used to do Before that."

However close conjuration and necromancy are Jim knows they're not the same thing and he knows better than to assume Felix is heading that way again. Not after everything. The scar on his shoulder. The streak in his hair. No, Felix regrets that. Jim's certain of it.

His normal rituals are different. The how may be similar but the why and to what end matter just as much.

"I don't want to be a parent to you Felix. I want to be your goddamned husband. Supportive. A...hell. A confidant."

"It was on your mind. Eating at you until there was nothing left. I could see it..." See the shadow whispering in Jim's ear. Every time Felix handed him his rations. Every time Jim carefully separated out a portion he deemed enough. Every time the Imperial chose not to stare and bit back his anger at whatever voice in his captain's mind was telling him that was all he deserved. All he was worth.

And now here he is calling out the shadow at Felix's elbow. It's not the same, nowhere near the same. Tarsus wasn't Jim's fault. And conjuration isn't the same as necromancy but-

"And if you... don't like... the things I tell you?" He looks up at Jim warily, those strands of white peeking out through one side of his messy hair. It's hard to let go of such a habit. Harder to admit that he might have done anything wrong in sticking to it. But Jim is so earnest. So kind and loving and Felix wants to believe if there's anyone he can trust it's him.

The whispers are still there, memories Jim can't rid himself of no matter how much time has passed. No matter how much he says he's moved on the wounds still linger. Raw as the day they were gouged into him whenever they're pressed upon. This Winter was a cruel reminder. Close enough that Jim could see himself being swallowed up but could do nothing to stop it. And he'd willing step back into those shadows knowing that Isidor and his other friends were all suffering still.

Without the experience Jim has, how good are their chances? By now Isidor must have learned much from him. She's competent, willing to make the hard choices no one wants to make. Willing to shoulder hate and ridicule if it means they all survive. And so Jim is angry, yes. Angry he was taken away from a situation where he could help. Where he could try to prevent anyone else form having the memories he does. The desperation he did to do whatever necessary to secure enough food for himself and those important to him.

"Do you like everything I tell you? You can't approve of half of the things I choose to do...." The hand not steadying Felix's shoulder reaches up to cup his cheek gently, fingers brushing that streak of white but not lingering on it.

"I know it's not easy. I've lied my way through every day of my life up until...you."

"You're always trying to do things for the greater good. Makes it bloody hard to argue with you." So, sometimes it's easier to skip that part.

He closes his eyes at the warm hand on his cheek. Lets out a shuddering exhale that carries all the tension wound up in his chest. There's a part of his soul still jealously unwilling to uncurl itself from the secrets he's guarded so long and with so much deception. The parts of himself he's kept hidden from everyone. Even Jim.

And it's that gentle reminder of how much Jim understands that finally cracks those walls. That sense of how much pain and shame Jim has unfolded to him and how unfair it is that Felix has never done the same in turn. He always tried to tell Jim he wasn't perfect, but he was never brave enough to show the captain what he meant.

His cheeks are damp when he finally nods. Felix doesn't notice. He opens his eyes and lifts them to Jim, unfolds an arm and reaches up to cup his hand over his betrothed's.

"Put that way I... guess I owe you some answers."

Jim snorts.

How can Felix still believe that about him? He's seen Jim be petty, seen him jealous, irrational, stubborn. He's seen Jim be selfish and yet he still puts the man up on a pedestal. Sometimes he wonders if Felix thinks that low of himself or if Jim's self assessment of himself is still that twisted. He'd like to think he's gotten better about that over the years but it's difficult to tell to be honest.

He could argue the point. James T. Kirk is stubborn as a mule. His words vanish with the tears that slip down Felix's face. He can read the shame in the mage's features and even if he should feel that way Jim can't help how his heart breaks a little to see Felix like this. He's glad beyond words when Felix covers Jim's hand with his rather than pulling away.

Jim can't not ask anymore. He hopes there will come a time when he doesn't have to, but the concession is a step forward. So he nods slowly, tipping his head until his forehead is touching Felix's.

"Thank you."

For once the Imperial doesn't have words to offer. Doesn't know if he ought to accept that thanks or gently protest. Doesn't think he can speak the things that make his chest tighten and his heart ache.

So he doesn't say a word. He just reaches up to wrap his hands around Jim's arms and tug the captain down onto the couch beside him. Let him just hold Jim close and know he's all right. Everything else is just... details.

It takes them close to a week of rest and a heavily monitored diet before Bones will let either Jim or Felix eat completely without supervision or input. The doctor would normally expect more of a fight from Jim regarding treatment but in this case no one talks about why he's quietly accepting the doctor's input so readily. McCoy's the only one with access to his full medical records without the redactions, and Felix is the closest to knowing the full story outside of Jim himself.

He's been back to the bridge for shifts (gamma, nothing strenuous yet) in the days since but it still feels strange to be here instead of back in the Nexus. Felix still hasn't given Jim his PINpoint back. After nearly a week Jim's about ready to go snooping around for the damn thing himself.

It's "morning" when he gets off his most recent shift. Letting himself into their shared quarters and taking a look around. Tiber isn't giving him anything, so the kneazle must be asleep. It's not a guarantee Felix is though.

It's comedic, really. Felix is still terribly wary of the Enterprise as a whole, reflexively nervous about traversing the ship's halls without Jim at his side to cover for him. The fact that he belongs there now hasn't yet sunk in, and it doesn't help that Sulu is definitely not buying his credentials for some reason.

And nonetheless, after a week cooped up in the same couple of rooms you'd expect even Felix would be venturing out during the day. Even if only to find his way to the observation deck, even if he kept stopping to scribble on that printed (printed!) map he always stashes in his pocket. He's an easily bored man and he's more recovered than Jim is yet. Which means it's quite transparent he's keeping vigil in their quarters to stop Jim from finding where he stashed the PINpoints. Or to stop Tiber from leading him to it. Likely both.

There's a pile of notes and a PADD on the coffee table, but those were there last night. Jim knows they're the xenotoxicology notes Felix has been making, puzzling his way through one of the reference texts Sulu pointedly name-dropped around him. But the mage's satchel is propped against the foot of the table.

Felix himself is dozing on the couch, a leather-bound notebook open in his hand. Tiber is curled up beside him, taking advantage of the warmth. The mage is dressed in a loose-fitting shirt and pants Jim's never seen him wear before - clearly something obtained in Yorktown, but it looks like something designed for meditation rather than workwear.

After years of being hidden away in Jim's quarters, it's understandable that Felix would be wary of venturing out too far on his own just yet. He does get invited out to food after beta shift is over now and again as Norn tries to the best of his abilities to make more of a friend out of the Nirnish mage. Make sure Felix is getting by alright here.

Quietly trying to assure Felix that Sulu really isn't a bad guy, just kind of serious a lot of the time. And exceptionally passionate about his botany studies. Things Felix will learn the longer he's here.

Of course Felix thinks nothing of leaving what he calls his 'Earth study' notes laying about. Jim hasn't had the heart to tell him the phrase is a bit of a misnomer but Felix understands well enough that Earth is merely a planet in this sea of Black Jim calls a home. It gets the point across all the same. They're not anything of Felix's world, even if the mage is studying them.

There's a moment that lasts longer than Jim would like to admit where he considers just poking around while Felix is asleep. A temptation that leaves him chewing at his bottom lip in deep thought. One he tamps down with a frustrated sigh before he quite deliberately starts pulling off his boots and jacket without quite so much care about being quiet.

He's not going to make a very good show of his argument for Felix sharing more with him if he sneaks around now. He's going to make a beeline for the replicator though. Coffee is a must.

He can hear the soft noise as Felix starts awake and drops the book. When he looks around the Imperial is rubbing a hand over his eyes. Beside him, Tiber lifts his head and opens his jaws wide in a lazy yawn before he blinks at Jim. Welcome back.

"Oh, um. You're back. What time is it?" He yawns himself, mirroring the cat before he stuffs the book down beside him and pulls himself up. "How was your shift?"

Thump goes the book and 'whu?' goes Jim's husband. He should be proud that Felix is managing his own shopping trips now, clad in those pajamas that Jim definitely didn't get for him. It's a distracting thought but not an unpleasant one for a change. Coffee in hand, he'll grab a cup of tea for Felix. Knows well enough that the man is not much a fan of Starfleet's lifeblood.

Tiber could be forgiven for picking up such a mix of emotions from his bonded human. Jim's feelings regarding Felix are never usually this complicated. As infatuated as he is frustrated.

"0800. You didn't spend all night there while I was gone, did you?" His gaze tracks to the book that Felix hides away but rather than speak up on it Jim holds out the cup of tea instead when he moves closer. "Shift went well. Spent most of it running tests on some samples Alpha picked up and taking notes. Making sure we're on schedule for our next federation checkpoint."

He might have glossed over more of the explanation if Felix hadn't just spent months studying up on the basics of Starfleet and Jim's work. This is Felix's world now. As much as it is Jim's.

"How was your...nap?" He reaches over with his free hand and gives Tiber a good ruffle between his ears. "I know yours was fine, you lazy shit." All affection there though.

"No... I woke up a couple of hours ago. Thanks." He takes the cup, cradling it in both hands as he breathes in the steam. "I thought I'd get in some practice, but I suppose I must have dozed off."

Between the hunger and disorientation and the strangeness of having actual light and a semblance of daytime, his sleep pattern would be out of order even if he hadn't spent weeks getting up at odd times to sneak off. He sips his tea with a sigh and feels a touch of pride that he actually followed what Jim was talking about there. He may never understand this realm like Tamriel, but he can at least start to get a feel for how the ship runs. That's a more manageable goal.

"...It's nice to be back here," he says, looking up as Tiber purrs his own reply. "I'm starting to feel almost human again." He pats the couch hopefully. "Going to join me?"

There's programmable lights if Felix wants to simulate a proper day cycle. Jim's shown him how to use them before. Has a note to himself even to make more use of them if he ever starts feeling worn down the way he did before the events of Altamid. Jim likes to think he's beyond needing such things out here but experience has proven that five years is quite a long time with no sense of normalcy for a human's biological instincts.

"Anything interesting?" What sort of practice? Probably not conjuration else Felix likely wouldn't have drifted off. Nor mentioned it to Jim in the first place however passingly. Tiber gets up and stretches out the way only a cat can, back legs and then front before he shakes out his fluffy golden head and hops down to go ~~get into trouble~~ poke around their quarters while Jim takes the empty seat at Felix's side.

"Warding spells. Maybe working on a minor summoning. I didn't get that far." He shrugs, sipping his tea and leaning into Jim. It's been a profound relief sinking into a routine again, however much he still has to get used to. "Mastering arcane secrets is still easier than making sense of Sulu's books."

He's... not avoiding mentioning the conjuration, at least. Not offering to elaborate either, though the fact he's still coming round might have to do with that.

"He only mentioned them because they're in your reported field of study." Jim nudges Felix ever so slightly with his shoulder. Jim is pretty sure his crew will come around on the mage. Bones knows more than the others about who Felix is and what he's capable of. Spock seems to accept Felix at face value even if he doesn't always or even often understand.

If they like Felix, Jim's certain for the others it's only a matter of time.

"If it were me? I'd work on befriending Chekov first. He's a master of wearing Hikaru down." The tension in Jim's chest eases ever so slightly when Felix mentions his summons, even if he doesn't elaborate on it. "What are the wards for?"

"I know, that's sort of the problem. I'm certain he's onto me. Winning over Chekov might be just the thing, though. That should be much easier."

He will infiltrate- er, befriend this crew, one way or another.

"The wards? Oh, anything." He sips his tea, still sleepy but perking up now that Jim's here. "Your basic ward is a general sort of shield. Best at deflecting or absorbing malign energies, though, more than physical attacks. Take quite a bit of effort, either way. Stratos is better with them than I am. I use another kind to- in ritual circles. For protection.

"Most of the Alpha crew at least vaguely knows about the Nexus by now, Felix. It doesn't really matter if he's onto you or not. It's the rest of Starfleet we have to keep of your trail. And they won't see you hardly ever. It's fine." He does appreciate Felix at least trying to keep up the routine that he belongs here though. He does belong here, even if he wasn't born of this world.

This plane.

There's no one else Jim would rather have sitting next to him like this. He frowns at the vague description of the ward at first, but Felix follows it up swiftly. Jim's brow furrows while he tries to think back to the books he's read, to the runes he's seen diagrammed before. Felix conjures atronachs of destruction magic but they don't give him any affinity for their chosen element. Is this why Felix studies alchemy so seriously? For something to give resistance against the elements he courts?

His restoration skills to fuel the wards that will shield him from...what? The influence of the daedra? He inhales sharply when the memory of smoke fills his lungs and a hazy watery moment of a promise made resurfaces sworn to a man with a smile Jim cannot forget. Even if the rest of it slips right back out of his fisted hands as easily as sand.

"...Against the elements you hold council with?" It's a guess, albeit a slightly distracted one.

"Against them, yes, and against the power of any other daedra I summon." The ones small enough to be so bound, at least. "And to protect my mind, if I plan to commune with them." His hands clench tighter around his cup, and he breathes in steam.

"If you get it wrong, or you summon something too powerful for your wards and bindings- then you're in trouble."

"Protect your mind from what exactly? From reading your thoughts or. Is this more literal taking control of your body?"

The only psionics Jim has any experience with are Vulcan mind melds and even that is more bookwork than actual experience. The only time he's ever melded with a Vulcan it was the elder Spock. Given the circumstances it was...intense. Brief though, and the elder Vulcan hadn't tampered any with Jim's mind. Only shared his memories with the very young captain-to-be.

"Those people you grumble about when we're shopping in the Nexus." Amateurs, Felix always so disdainfully calls them. Jim honestly thought he was just being arrogant but there seems like there might be a reason behind it after all. "You've always seemed like you were careful about this though."

"Lesser daedra don't do any of that. It's more... trying to open up a fragile mortal mind to something it was never meant to comprehend. A daedra's mind is ancient and strong and so utterly alien... it could break you. Or send you mad. Or just snap your control and leave you facing a powerful, dangerous creature from the Oblivion planes. The first time I tried... it didn't go well."

He nods at Jim's realization. "It's easy to do, conjuration. A lot harder to do right. I'm the best I know. But I'm alive because I pick and choose the risks I take."

"Lesser...your familiar is a lesser daedra then?" The spectral wolf never seemed like it was all that intelligent or ancient but looks are quite deceiving. The creature is probably only so well adjusted because of its long time spent connected with Felix. They were a pair long before Jim ever knew the conjurer after all. Since Felix was practically still a child, if the impression Jim gets is correct. "Are the atronachs as well?"

They seemed much more powerful than the familiar. More like Reynard, in a sense. Spirits bound to an element rather than a Season. But Jim's only seen them a couple of times and again, they were always so well behaved. So nearly human in their actions. A testament to Felix's talents, perhaps?

"But you've brought the flame woman--atronach along with to fancy parties, even. I've...I've never seen them anything other than placid and. Well. Maybe not friendly but complacent sure."

"All of them. Not all daedra are intelligent, though. Atronachs are far moreso; familiars are so minor I'm not even sure how they fit in with other daedra. Or even if they really qualify. You can make a simple pact with them, though. They're bright enough for that."

He sets down his cooling tea, draws his legs up to curl on the couch beside Jim. "But they're both easier to work with than other daedra. More... amenable. That's why mages so commonly use them now. Even though if you use one of the standard spells, whatever daedra you summon is bound to obey you until it's banished. Communing in a circle is different, it's like... disabling the safety systems. You see?"

"Because you're not just summoning them...leash already attached and the like."

Jim never got to see Felix beckon over his flame atronach when they rebonded. Never got to see them dance, see her relish in the destruction they brought to that little valley. He only ever saw the aftermath when Felix tried to extinguish his fire salts in the sink at the farmhouse. But Jim did see Felix communing with his frost atronach during winter. Watched his husband-to-be with frost on his eyelashes and dancing over his skin sit with the stillness of a glacier while he faced the creature of ice.

"But when I saw you during winter, it wasn't...it's never felt dangerous. You always seem so at peace with them. Connected. Are you always in such danger every time you beckon them over?"

"Yes." He smiles a little, looking sidelong at Jim for the first time in this conversation. "Exactly. The summoning spells are formalized. Safe. But outside... you can do more, and risk much more."

His gaze drops again when Jim asks his question. It's quiet enough to hear the soft engine-hum of the walls, the pulse of blood in his ears.

"I'm really very good," he says.

"You really are." Jim doesn't understand just how Felix can put him on such a pedestal given the talents the mage has. The powers he possesses that the captain could never even dream about fully comprehending. But what does Felix use those gifts for? Rescuing Jim from himself mostly, it feels like. If the captain had those kind of skills, he's pretty sure he'd be dead already.

Jim's always been one to take risks if the potential for helping others or turn a bleak situation around is great enough.

"Felix I'm not going to ask you to teach me those things. Any of them. The most I'd ever want to do regarding your conjuration is to thank your personal atronachs for their service to you and dedication toward keeping you safe. I'm not going to go trying to turn myself into a mage. We both know I don't have a shred of talent for it. You really don't have to worry about me trying to imitate you when it comes to conjuration."

"I know that," he answers, though rather than make it another needle in a sensitive spot he points out, "You've an entire ship full of people to summon when you need them. Teleportation and all. You don't need my tricks, o captain of the Void."

So that's not what he's afraid of. More...

"I still don't want to drag you into my affairs. Little daedra are one thing, but the greater ones, the truly powerful ones... dealing with them can get messy."

They both know Jim would, too.

Wouldn't hesitate in the least. He's got a record of doing so already, having put himself firmly into debt with the Prince of Debauchery without any idea of what that would entail. Still doesn't, really. And maybe owing Sanguine won't be so bad a thing when it comes time for the debt to be paid. But imagine how much worse that could be given the other daedra Felix can arrange an audience with.

How terrible it would have been if Jim hadn't had the strength of will to guide them both out of the soulstone they were both trapped inside. Jim swore he'd always come after Felix. He's not aware that may be exactly what Felix is afraid of.

"Don't tease me here. I--" And Jim wishes he could remember that feeling he gets sometimes when his thoughts linger on Rielle. Wishes he could recall better the does the bargain he made with a god. Felix's god. His patron deity. "I just want to support you."

"And I want to take care of you. To protect you. I'm not... I'm terrible at it. But I'm trying. I've let you down so many times, that's why-" But no. Jim doesn't want to hear that. Felix curls a little tighter against the cushions.

"I'm not trying to shut you out. I'm just..." trying to make sure Jim sees the side of Felix that he likes and cares about, in part. But also, really, not used to sharing.

"It's a start."

Jim can't say it's fine. He can't not ask anymore, can't let Felix run off on his own into the dark without at least following in after him. He's seen where Felix can be driven to when he feels helpless, desperate to make a difference. It's dangerous to follow the conjurer into those shadows but Felix has done the same for Jim.

And maybe neither one of them will like it when the other does. Jim's still angry about being taken away from the Nexus while others are still there cold and hungry--

And Dying, the whispers remind him. Logically Jim knows if Felix hadn't taken him away he might have honestly killed himself and yet he can't help the spike of anger that flares through him every time. But they don't have to like it.

They just need to respect that they're no longer living solely for themselves anymore. And this? Is more than Jim's ever gotten out of Felix before.

"It's hard, I know. It's hard for me, too."

"...If I show you. More. I can't promise you'll like what you see."

Jim's already seen so much the Imperial never wanted him to. Bad enough for Felix, always so bent on being liked and wanted, but infinitely worse because it's Jim and what he thinks of Felix matters. He'll spite his brother and shrug off others' disapproval but Jim... is completely different.

"I don't have to like it."

But if it risks Felix's life and soul Jim will be there to stop it. Whether Felix likes it or not. Seems only fair considering the mage is already taking that mindset up when it comes to Jim's decisions.

"I just want us to be on equal footing."

"Even if... you don't like me so much, afterwards?"

After everything they've been through, everything Jim's already seen and forgiven, it almost seems foolish to ask. But Felix can't help wondering just how much Jim will keep forgiving in him, after the mistakes he's already made."

"Wait, what?"

How in the hell did Felix make that leap in logic? It's true that after Rielle Jim won't just sit back and watch quite as passively as he used to but where in there did Jim ever say he didn't like Felix?

"You idiot, I'm marrying you. Why would I even consider that if I thought for a second that I'd like you any less? I've seen you at your worst. I can handle you."

Oh.

He's so emphatic. He makes it sound downright obvious, and Felix finds himself believing it despite all the doubts eating at his heart. He shifts around so he can look at Jim properly, curled up against him on the couch, affection and surprise written over his face.

"It's... a lot to forgive. Some people might sour on a fellow, seeing that kind of thing." He leans over to kiss Jim gently. Murmurs, "But if you're going to insist on having faith in me..."

It's love and it's arrogance. Jim Kirk has plenty of both to go around. How exactly would he handle Felix if he were really to use his vast knowledge of the arcane against Jim? A fully charged phaser hadn't stopped Felix for long back then. There are other ways, obviously, but very few Jim would actually take until things were too late.

He's so much more fragile a man than he pretends to be. Soft.

Aware of everything he's lacking and insisting things will be fine all the same. Because he does have faith in Felix Caelus. Even now. Especially now. Even when he doesn't like what the other's done for him.

"I'm not most people." Jim's really not sure if that's a good or a bad thing some days. "I can't promise we won't fight. I'm. I'm still me no matter how much I try to be more...responsible. Mature. I'm still going to put my foot in my mouth when I'm pissed off and I'm still going to fight. But I won't leave you."

He's been left behind too many times. Enough to swear a rule by. One he's praying to every god in Felix's world is broken now. His throat is tight with emotion when he breathes his words against Felix's lips.

"And I won't let you leave me without a fight."

"Good." Felix's mouth is warm against his, the conjurer's hand sneaking up to cup the back of Jim's neck as he leans into the kiss. It's all he can ask from the man he loves. That Jim won't abandon him, no matter what.

As for whether Felix can live up to the honesty Jim's asking for? Whether he can face Jim's reactions to the things he does share? That will remain to be seen.

In From the Cold (for smartass_captain)

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