In From the Cold (for smartass_captain)

[conjuredskies]

 He might remember small things, after. Little flashes of near-consciousness.

The fall forward onto the table, all his joints locking at once. Shouting. Ice pressing around him. Voices over him. Slung over a rock and the cold of it radiates through him down to the bone. Furs wrapping him tight. There’s a long, long march where he sways on someone’s shoulder, the wind battering his face. More voices.

Then darkness. So much darkness pressing around him…

When he wakes it might take a few minutes to comprehend what’s going on. He’s warm. He’s comfortable. The noise of the café has vanished. The wind outside has gone silent. There’s just the minute hum of electricity and life-support systems around him… and a rumble from the ginger fuzzball purring atop his chest.

The faint reverberation of engines sinks in.

He’s in his quarters. He’s on the Enterprise.

Comments

[smartass_captain]

"Most of the Alpha crew at least vaguely knows about the Nexus by now, Felix. It doesn't really matter if he's onto you or not. It's the rest of Starfleet we have to keep of your trail. And they won't see you hardly ever. It's fine." He does appreciate Felix at least trying to keep up the routine that he belongs here though. He does belong here, even if he wasn't born of this world.

This plane.

There's no one else Jim would rather have sitting next to him like this. He frowns at the vague description of the ward at first, but Felix follows it up swiftly. Jim's brow furrows while he tries to think back to the books he's read, to the runes he's seen diagrammed before. Felix conjures atronachs of destruction magic but they don't give him any affinity for their chosen element. Is this why Felix studies alchemy so seriously? For something to give resistance against the elements he courts?

His restoration skills to fuel the wards that will shield him from...what? The influence of the daedra? He inhales sharply when the memory of smoke fills his lungs and a hazy watery moment of a promise made resurfaces sworn to a man with a smile Jim cannot forget. Even if the rest of it slips right back out of his fisted hands as easily as sand.

"...Against the elements you hold council with?" It's a guess, albeit a slightly distracted one.

[conjuredskies]

"Against them, yes, and against the power of any other daedra I summon." The ones small enough to be so bound, at least. "And to protect my mind, if I plan to commune with them." His hands clench tighter around his cup, and he breathes in steam.

"If you get it wrong, or you summon something too powerful for your wards and bindings- then you're in trouble."

[smartass_captain]

"Protect your mind from what exactly? From reading your thoughts or. Is this more literal taking control of your body?"

The only psionics Jim has any experience with are Vulcan mind melds and even that is more bookwork than actual experience. The only time he's ever melded with a Vulcan it was the elder Spock. Given the circumstances it was...intense. Brief though, and the elder Vulcan hadn't tampered any with Jim's mind. Only shared his memories with the very young captain-to-be.

"Those people you grumble about when we're shopping in the Nexus." Amateurs, Felix always so disdainfully calls them. Jim honestly thought he was just being arrogant but there seems like there might be a reason behind it after all. "You've always seemed like you were careful about this though."

[conjuredskies]

"Lesser daedra don't do any of that. It's more... trying to open up a fragile mortal mind to something it was never meant to comprehend. A daedra's mind is ancient and strong and so utterly alien... it could break you. Or send you mad. Or just snap your control and leave you facing a powerful, dangerous creature from the Oblivion planes. The first time I tried... it didn't go well."

He nods at Jim's realization. "It's easy to do, conjuration. A lot harder to do right. I'm the best I know. But I'm alive because I pick and choose the risks I take."

[smartass_captain]

"Lesser...your familiar is a lesser daedra then?" The spectral wolf never seemed like it was all that intelligent or ancient but looks are quite deceiving. The creature is probably only so well adjusted because of its long time spent connected with Felix. They were a pair long before Jim ever knew the conjurer after all. Since Felix was practically still a child, if the impression Jim gets is correct. "Are the atronachs as well?"

They seemed much more powerful than the familiar. More like Reynard, in a sense. Spirits bound to an element rather than a Season. But Jim's only seen them a couple of times and again, they were always so well behaved. So nearly human in their actions. A testament to Felix's talents, perhaps?

"But you've brought the flame woman--atronach along with to fancy parties, even. I've...I've never seen them anything other than placid and. Well. Maybe not friendly but complacent sure."

[conjuredskies]

"All of them. Not all daedra are intelligent, though. Atronachs are far moreso; familiars are so minor I'm not even sure how they fit in with other daedra. Or even if they really qualify. You can make a simple pact with them, though. They're bright enough for that."

He sets down his cooling tea, draws his legs up to curl on the couch beside Jim. "But they're both easier to work with than other daedra. More... amenable. That's why mages so commonly use them now. Even though if you use one of the standard spells, whatever daedra you summon is bound to obey you until it's banished. Communing in a circle is different, it's like... disabling the safety systems. You see?"

[smartass_captain]

"Because you're not just summoning them...leash already attached and the like."

Jim never got to see Felix beckon over his flame atronach when they rebonded. Never got to see them dance, see her relish in the destruction they brought to that little valley. He only ever saw the aftermath when Felix tried to extinguish his fire salts in the sink at the farmhouse. But Jim did see Felix communing with his frost atronach during winter. Watched his husband-to-be with frost on his eyelashes and dancing over his skin sit with the stillness of a glacier while he faced the creature of ice.

"But when I saw you during winter, it wasn't...it's never felt dangerous. You always seem so at peace with them. Connected. Are you always in such danger every time you beckon them over?"

[conjuredskies]

"Yes." He smiles a little, looking sidelong at Jim for the first time in this conversation. "Exactly. The summoning spells are formalized. Safe. But outside... you can do more, and risk much more."

His gaze drops again when Jim asks his question. It's quiet enough to hear the soft engine-hum of the walls, the pulse of blood in his ears.

"I'm really very good," he says.

[smartass_captain]

"You really are." Jim doesn't understand just how Felix can put him on such a pedestal given the talents the mage has. The powers he possesses that the captain could never even dream about fully comprehending. But what does Felix use those gifts for? Rescuing Jim from himself mostly, it feels like. If the captain had those kind of skills, he's pretty sure he'd be dead already.

Jim's always been one to take risks if the potential for helping others or turn a bleak situation around is great enough.

"Felix I'm not going to ask you to teach me those things. Any of them. The most I'd ever want to do regarding your conjuration is to thank your personal atronachs for their service to you and dedication toward keeping you safe. I'm not going to go trying to turn myself into a mage. We both know I don't have a shred of talent for it. You really don't have to worry about me trying to imitate you when it comes to conjuration."

[conjuredskies]

"I know that," he answers, though rather than make it another needle in a sensitive spot he points out, "You've an entire ship full of people to summon when you need them. Teleportation and all. You don't need my tricks, o captain of the Void."

So that's not what he's afraid of. More...

"I still don't want to drag you into my affairs. Little daedra are one thing, but the greater ones, the truly powerful ones... dealing with them can get messy."

[smartass_captain]

They both know Jim would, too.

Wouldn't hesitate in the least. He's got a record of doing so already, having put himself firmly into debt with the Prince of Debauchery without any idea of what that would entail. Still doesn't, really. And maybe owing Sanguine won't be so bad a thing when it comes time for the debt to be paid. But imagine how much worse that could be given the other daedra Felix can arrange an audience with.

How terrible it would have been if Jim hadn't had the strength of will to guide them both out of the soulstone they were both trapped inside. Jim swore he'd always come after Felix. He's not aware that may be exactly what Felix is afraid of.

"Don't tease me here. I--" And Jim wishes he could remember that feeling he gets sometimes when his thoughts linger on Rielle. Wishes he could recall better the does the bargain he made with a god. Felix's god. His patron deity. "I just want to support you."

[conjuredskies]

"And I want to take care of you. To protect you. I'm not... I'm terrible at it. But I'm trying. I've let you down so many times, that's why-" But no. Jim doesn't want to hear that. Felix curls a little tighter against the cushions.

"I'm not trying to shut you out. I'm just..." trying to make sure Jim sees the side of Felix that he likes and cares about, in part. But also, really, not used to sharing.

[smartass_captain]

"It's a start."

Jim can't say it's fine. He can't not ask anymore, can't let Felix run off on his own into the dark without at least following in after him. He's seen where Felix can be driven to when he feels helpless, desperate to make a difference. It's dangerous to follow the conjurer into those shadows but Felix has done the same for Jim.

And maybe neither one of them will like it when the other does. Jim's still angry about being taken away from the Nexus while others are still there cold and hungry--

And Dying, the whispers remind him. Logically Jim knows if Felix hadn't taken him away he might have honestly killed himself and yet he can't help the spike of anger that flares through him every time. But they don't have to like it.

They just need to respect that they're no longer living solely for themselves anymore. And this? Is more than Jim's ever gotten out of Felix before.

"It's hard, I know. It's hard for me, too."

[conjuredskies]

"...If I show you. More. I can't promise you'll like what you see."

Jim's already seen so much the Imperial never wanted him to. Bad enough for Felix, always so bent on being liked and wanted, but infinitely worse because it's Jim and what he thinks of Felix matters. He'll spite his brother and shrug off others' disapproval but Jim... is completely different.

[smartass_captain]

"I don't have to like it."

But if it risks Felix's life and soul Jim will be there to stop it. Whether Felix likes it or not. Seems only fair considering the mage is already taking that mindset up when it comes to Jim's decisions.

"I just want us to be on equal footing."

[conjuredskies]

"Even if... you don't like me so much, afterwards?"

After everything they've been through, everything Jim's already seen and forgiven, it almost seems foolish to ask. But Felix can't help wondering just how much Jim will keep forgiving in him, after the mistakes he's already made."

[smartass_captain]

"Wait, what?"

How in the hell did Felix make that leap in logic? It's true that after Rielle Jim won't just sit back and watch quite as passively as he used to but where in there did Jim ever say he didn't like Felix?

"You idiot, I'm marrying you. Why would I even consider that if I thought for a second that I'd like you any less? I've seen you at your worst. I can handle you."

[conjuredskies]

Oh.

He's so emphatic. He makes it sound downright obvious, and Felix finds himself believing it despite all the doubts eating at his heart. He shifts around so he can look at Jim properly, curled up against him on the couch, affection and surprise written over his face.

"It's... a lot to forgive. Some people might sour on a fellow, seeing that kind of thing." He leans over to kiss Jim gently. Murmurs, "But if you're going to insist on having faith in me..."

[smartass_captain]

It's love and it's arrogance. Jim Kirk has plenty of both to go around. How exactly would he handle Felix if he were really to use his vast knowledge of the arcane against Jim? A fully charged phaser hadn't stopped Felix for long back then. There are other ways, obviously, but very few Jim would actually take until things were too late.

He's so much more fragile a man than he pretends to be. Soft.

Aware of everything he's lacking and insisting things will be fine all the same. Because he does have faith in Felix Caelus. Even now. Especially now. Even when he doesn't like what the other's done for him.

"I'm not most people." Jim's really not sure if that's a good or a bad thing some days. "I can't promise we won't fight. I'm. I'm still me no matter how much I try to be more...responsible. Mature. I'm still going to put my foot in my mouth when I'm pissed off and I'm still going to fight. But I won't leave you."

He's been left behind too many times. Enough to swear a rule by. One he's praying to every god in Felix's world is broken now. His throat is tight with emotion when he breathes his words against Felix's lips.

"And I won't let you leave me without a fight."

[conjuredskies]

"Good." Felix's mouth is warm against his, the conjurer's hand sneaking up to cup the back of Jim's neck as he leans into the kiss. It's all he can ask from the man he loves. That Jim won't abandon him, no matter what.

As for whether Felix can live up to the honesty Jim's asking for? Whether he can face Jim's reactions to the things he does share? That will remain to be seen.