Murmurs in the Dark (written with smartass_captain)

[conjuredskies]

It might take a while for Jim to notice anything off about Felix, after he returns. Flush with the excitement of another adventure across Tamriel, bursting with the tale he has to tell, of familial mischief and intrigue and travels to a land Felix has never seen- it’s not as if Jim doesn’t have plenty on his mind. To say nothing of the cleaning his clothes need, or how sore he (and especially his head) is yet. And Felix is certainly fascinated. Impatient to hear about it all- and clearly a little jealous that Jim was there, as pleased as he is for his betrothed. (As proud as he is, that Jim handled himself so well.) And yet…

After Jim’s peeled himself out of his Nirnish clothes, washed and changed, after they’ve eaten, after they’ve curled up on the couch and after the tale’s been told… Felix seems quiet. He’s asked fewer questions than Jim might expect. He’s said nothing of how the past couple days have gone for him. Nor is he relaxed and dozing off at Jim’s side.

The captain can feel the way Felix sits against him. Tense, silent. Pensive. Troubled.

Now, Jim's never been the best at holding down his liquor, no matter how much he thinks he was when he was younger. He's regularly had friends who can drink him into the ground and will laugh while they're doing it long after Jim's reduced to falling over. Felix holds onto his liquor remarkably well too. Nothing. Not a damn minute of it holds a candle to Aunt Lartia. He's hungover though recovering well (access to medicine from his own world definitely helps in that regard). There's a million different things to tell, it feels like. From the trip itself to the sights (and the PINpoint coordinates he definitely saved when no one was looking) to the different people and cultures--it's every second of it everything Jim loves about exploration and discovery.

He has so much to talk about and what feels like so little focus to get it all out for how exhausted he is both physically and mentally. The telling takes time. Time enough for Jim to realize that Felix is less engaged than he would have guessed. Time enough to notice how rigid Felix is curled up next to him. Usually Felix is more liquid than bone, sprawled out in any which way draped all over the furniture in their quarters. He's always the relaxed one. Slouched or sprawled. Sometimes with oh so much Intent but often just languid in his relaxation. There's no sign of that spoiled little brother now.

This feels more like the first few times they tried to spend nights together after Rielle. Or the nights after Felix took Jim back to the ship during the Winter.

Tense.

Forced.

Troubled, indeed.

And Jim feels a little bit bad that the first thought that nearly escapes his mouth is 'What did you do this time?' He catches himself, if only just. Shifts on the couch so the he's better facing Felix.

"Something's eating at you. Are you really mad that you didn't come?" He only pauses a moment before giving a self depreciating laugh. "It's what I'd be upset about, if the roles were reversed."

He can feel Felix jolt in surprise before he shifts around too. Hear the beat of hesitation before he replies. Read the uncertainty in the flicker of his gaze.

"No, of course not really." He pauses, admits, "Well, a little. I always wanted Stratos to take me on one of his little adventures. But I don't mind that much- I had things to see to here." Things he'd rather Jim not ask about, and his expression shifts as he realizes- "-It's not that. That's not- something came up."

Another family wound Jim didn't realize he was treading upon. The light in his eyes dims ever so slightly, even if his fingers turn that much more soft when they reach up to brush Felix's hair out of his face. He lets the back of them trail softly against the mage's cheek to chase the action. Trying to be soothing without opening his mouth to cut off whatever Felix feels he can say. An apology in everything but word. That is coming, surely.

"He was looking for you when he came I'm sure...but you were out and I wasn't working for once--" The captain hopes it's not another wedge driven between them. A worry that eases slightly when Felix finally lets slip what may be a more genuine reason for his discomfort.

"Something..?" They're alone in their quarters but Jim still leans closer as if there might be ears listening. "Is it...your daedra?"

Felix drops his gaze, but reaches up to touch Jim's hand at his cheek in reassurance. It's all right. Jim did nothing wrong, and nor did Stratos. I'm glad you went with him, he wants to say, I'm glad you got on with our aunt.

But the conversation has already turned from such harmless things and though Felix wants to deflect it back.. he's also worried, by something he can't speak of to anyone else. It's been building up inside him all day, a problem that yes perhaps he brought upon himself but he doesn't know what he's going to do now. And if he makes the wrong choice, it will surely spill over onto Jim.

"No, it's-" Well, it's daedra-related, actually, but it's a little shocking still, how quick Jim is to ask about them. "...I spoke with Loki in the Nexus, earlier."

What else could make Felix so secretive and upset? The man is Responsibility Repellant in its strongest form, allowing next to nothing to weigh on him unless it's a trouble he specifically seeks out to take on as his own. Specific trouble that might hurt his family. Himself. And occasionally, when an old cultural grudge rears its ugly head, a trouble for his people. But the world of semi-forbidden magic is Felix's home. A dangerous path he walks with familiarity even as he checks every step. Their largest problems have all stemmed from this school Felix follows and Jim's so sure every time that Felix has learned to be more careful. To take precautions. And he has, though almost all of them have been for Jim's sake. When Felix hides things from Jim he knows where to cast the first stone to guess what the cause may be.

"Ah. I see." Except Jim doesn't. Not really. It's not as though Loki is someone they have to be afraid of, surely. He's been nothing but a friend to Jim. Even his tricks have all been mostly harmless and mostly for Jim's or Thor's benefit that the captain has seen.
"Did it...not go well?"

"He's... looking for something. Someone. He believes there's another god passing unseen in the Nexus. One who was present during the Winter. I don't understand fully why, or what drew his attention, but he's trying to find her."

It's reminded Jim firstly that he has business with the God of Mischief himself and something to return that he's kept carefully protected since the last time he was able to speak with Loki. But he leans closer and wraps an arm around his fiance's shoulders rather than bring it up now. Is Felix afraid of this other goddess? Perhaps unnerved by a presence he hadn't sensed through his link with his magics. Jim doesn't quite get why this would upset Felix quite so much, though there's many possibilities for it.

"Is she... one you know? Or is it someone you don't?" He's not sure which is worse, honestly.

Felix is still tensed in on himself, unsure how Jim's going to react to any of what he says next. He should tell a white lie here, should deflect or gloss over it but Jim's not an idiot. He'll see through that and then he'll be even angrier at Felix and what else can he do? "No, I.... know her." Of course he knows her. "She's... one of the Daedra I've dealt with before. Loki doesn't know that," he adds urgently, meeting Jim's eyes so he'll understand, this is between them only.

Sanguine's far from the only Daedric Prince Felix invokes the name of though he is the most frequent offender and the only one Jim knows very much at all about. He's got a copy of Aedra and Daedra that he leaves through whenever Felix lets slip a name that sounds like it might be familiar when the mage isn't around. Best purchase he's made on Nirn, honestly.

And so a female daedra that Felix knows well and is afraid of? "...Is he looking for Meridia?"

The captain doesn't really know if she's actually about the Nexus or not. Presumably not actively or Felix would be much more tense all the time. But Jim could definitely see Felix not wanting anyone to know he knew of her. She seems to be a Prince that Felix tries to dutifully stay out of her attention. Underneath his fingers curled along Felix's left shoulder lies all the proof of every reason the mage has to be afraid of her. Especially considering choices Felix has made.

It shouldn't shock Felix that Jim's been researching more than the mage has told him. Especially now he has access to the family books and for that matter all the books Bruma has to sell him. But he's still a bit open-mouthed for a second as it sinks in. Jim Kirk isn't quite as lost in his world as he used to be.

"No- thank fuck no." The last thing anyone needs is a bunch of Auroran warriors stomping around the Nexus. "It's Nocturnal."

Even her name carries a hush. Perhaps only because he knows so well what it means, and perhaps he only feels that the shadows darken in the room about them.

Not to mention he can just text Stratos anytime Jim has a question he's not sure if Felix will answer. It's not a tool he's really utilized all that often. He'd much rather talk to Felix directly if at all possible. The man is supposed to be his partner after all. It never feels right going around him to learn or do much of anything.

Jim nods slowly and holds Felix close. It's something of a relief to him despite his growing curiosity about said Princes that one of the ones Felix fears the most is not the daedra in question. But, Nocturnal? It takes the captain a moment to remember what little he's read about her. All of the descriptions of the daedra were fairly basic but Nocturnal's entry was even moreso. And yet she too is someone Felix is well acquainted with, apparently. Jim’s unaware that he's personally courted the Prince's attention once before while never being wise to it.

But he's quick to catch how quietly Felix invokes her name. Decides it's probably best if he not say it either. They're safe here on Jim's ship, here in an altogether separate universe than the place Felix calls home, but that's no reason to tempt Felix's fraying nerves.

"And you don't want Loki to find her if she is in the Nexus? Or is it you don't want him to know that you know her?"

"He already knows that I know her,” Felix answers. “He wanted information from me about the crows- her servants - and he realized I know something. He just doesn't know the extent of my... involvement. But she's the Prince of mystery and secrecy- if she hasn't revealed herself to him perhaps she doesn't want another god learning about her, or her plans. Which means helping either of them is liable to mean getting caught between two very dangerous, extremely powerful entities."

Well, for as secretive as Felix is about the details of his work the man certainly doesn't hide that he's a conjurer from the general public. Even when he was working in the Legion he'd leave his familiar to guard the post for him while Felix ran off to his clandestine trysts. Jim should know considering he was most of those trysts. Felix has become something of an expert when it comes to obscure god worship. Jim would think under most circumstances Felix might be full of pride to have another god give him attention for those skills of his.

But the picture Felix is painting does sound rather fraught even if he can't quite imagine Loki having much of a problem. "So you don't tell him anything. He's a god, he should understand. You don't have to make anyone mad then."

But that does raise an implication... "She's here then? In the Nexus. How is that possible? This isn't Nirn."

There's a rueful curl of his mouth when Jim says a god should understand. There's a lot Jim doesn't know about gods and princes, Felix thinks. If it were almost any other request he'd be thrilled and honored beyond words that one would ask him for his knowledge. If he wasn't so worried that it would anger another deity. at least equal in power and one whose dangers Felix knows better.

"That makes it easier, for a daedra. The Divines' power is a barrier to them, on Nirn. It hinders them from manifesting as they please. The Nexus is more... open." Silence for a second or two. "All it takes is for someone to show them the way. Open a door."

Felix's silence gives Jim time for that admission to really sink in. The implication of every daedra Felix worships operating unchecked in the Nexus because of him.
By now he's sure to have prayed to all of them. All the ones he reveres at least. Jim certainly knows Felix has invoked them all by now.

He doesn't have the full grasp of the danger they pose, but Jim's got enough knowledge through his reading to have his words dry up on him as a lump forms in his throat. "Isn't that....you'd think they'd all think rather highly of you then. For showing them the way."

Because of course it's Felix. He's the one who's damn good at what he does.

"I didn't," Felix says hurriedly. He immediately has to amend, "Not all of them. Just one." (Although he's having a very hard time remembering exactly how he ended up in the Nexus, this morning, and that's a thought he should examine and doesn't want to). "She's not... sentimental. What I did for her was part of a bargain, nothing more."

(As if his favorite of the daedra would pass up an opportunity such as this? Felix you sweet Brumese child. You think you're more clever than you are, but that's humans, isn't it?)

Just one. And not who Jim would have guessed at that. Out of all the daedra Felix worships it's Nocturnal who he's granted access to the Nexus. It's Nocturnal that he's bargained with--and it occurs to Jim that he's never asked how Felix discovered the Nexus itself in the first place. The Legion was quick to set up a claim but Jim doubts any of them chose to stumble into finding another plane. That's the sort of work Felix does, not his brother.

It may have even been through Nocturnal that he discovered this place at all originally. Even if it wasn't...

"She's how we got home, and how you altered when we got home." It's not a question.

The real question Jim has he doesn't know how to ask without it sounding like an interrogation or an accusation. What did Felix give her in exchange for their safety?

"Yes. The path to her realm stayed open during the Winter. Well, for her anyway. She granted us safe passage." Felix rubs at his eyes. "She's the Prince of Night, the endless storm must have been perfect for her."

"But she was already well established here by then." She would have had to be for there to be such a stable door between realms, Jim would imagine. There's every possibility that he's ignorant of some aspect of this God that would make such a path easier but Jim feels his aching head hop round in circles trying to think of all the possibilities. Felix let her into the Nexus for a bargain. He also took himself and Jim out of the Nexus with a bargain.

"She knows you well," he adds. That much is certain. If Felix did something to displease her she would know. "Couldn't... you ask her what she would prefer?"

But that would likely entangle Felix even more into these affairs...

Felix nods to the first part. Doesn't deny he had something to do with it. Jim can guess that much. "If I'm willing to warn her." He pulls a wan smile. "Any move means positioning myself on one side or the other, you see? And I know more about her presence here than anyone."

Felix hesitates then. "...I don't know that they're opposed. Loki did say he bore no ill-intent toward her, at least... not yet. But I think- I'm sure she has plans. Plans that probably don't include another god sticking his nose in."

"By that logic choosing not to move would also be positioning yourself, you realize." The arm that's wrapped around Felix's shoulders squeezes gently. Whether Felix wants to or not he's already been caught in the middle of this development. "If you don't have debts to either of them nor loyalty, then I'd worry about angering the one with the worse temperament. You have to share a realm with Nocturnal. You have people back home who could be at risk. It may be best to keep her interests closer to heart."

And Jim wonders....

Felix owes nothing to Loki but Jim does. However small of a favor, one is owed. He should settle it and soon. For Felix's sake if nothing else. Jim doesn't consider Loki to be someone he has to worry overmuch about, but if his entanglement with the god poses a problem for Felix then it's reason enough for him to be careful.

"Lady Luck is not someone I want to anger," Felix agrees, though he sounds uncertain. He's much less confident of Loki's even temperament than Jim, and admittedly his interactions with the god haven't had the same sense of... familiarity, in the sense of near-equality, that Jim tends to have. If he can tip his hand to both sides, a little, keep his place on the fence, he will. A conjurer is not a cultist, and he's never committed so to any Prince before.

Granted, he's always been fortunate that up to now, he's never been drawn into such a misalignment of interests. Assuming that drawing in Loki isn't part of Nocturnal's web, of course. She's not Mephala but her aims are even more shrouded than the Webspinner's.

The conjurer is quiet for a few moments before he asks, "...You don't care that I bargained with her?"

All of this is so far over Jim's aching head. He doesn't know the balancing act a good conjurer keeps. He doesn't know what answering to either god's ire will cost. There's so very much he's ignorant of. No matter how clever Jim is he's tired now. Hungover. If there are questions he should be asking they will have to come later when the captain thinks back on this conversation with a more solid grasp of his faculties.

But that question isn't one the captain expected to be asked. Not for the first time Jim wonders if he should care, but it doesn't change the truth. "It's already done, isn't it? Besides. I was kinda under the impression that doing that as safely as possible was the whole point of your specialty. "

"It is." He still didn't expect Jim to be quite so accepting, at the first revelations of how much Felix has been up to without him. It's (one part of) the reason he hasn't opened up like this before. Hadn't wanted to complicate their time together so. Feared opening up the wounds left by Winter and the scars of Rielle once again. But Jim trusts him to get it right. Trusts Felix when he says that bargaining with daedra can be done right. "I just didn't know how you'd feel about my being involved with her."

For all Jim knows, Felix might have made that barter with Nocturnal long before he even met the conjurer. His most recent one was during winter and they've already fought and settled about that. Getting angry again just seems petty at this point. Jim's certainly made a multitude of bone headed and dangerous decisions long before he ran into Felix. The mage is more than aware of how Jim died, has heard from others and just being in Jim's world some of the crazy and reckless things the Captain of the USS Enterprise has pulled off. It would feel like hypocrisy to yell at Felix for his own past choices. Especially since they were never meant to hurt anyone. And he does trust Felix more than anyone else.

"You're the expert, remember? If you're telling me I ought to be upset, then it's gonna take a bit. I'm too hungover for a fight right now."

"Thank you, Aunt." Felix half snorts a laugh, finally relaxing a little. It's one worry off his mind. At least now Jim knows. Now he won't be taken by complete surprise if things get out of hand.

Huff. Jim makes grumbly sounds but doesn't actually argue overmuch. He knows he's the relative lightweight out of everyone he hangs out with. If anyone's going to be hungover it's usually him. It's a relief to feel Felix relaxing against Jim's side. Next time he's in the Nexus he'll have to keep an eye out for Loki and try to get things settled between them. It'll be one less thing to complicate Felix's situation between the god and the daedric Prince he's unwilling to catch the direct ire of.

But those are tasks for later. For now, what he's going to do is drag Felix off of the couch and into bed. The Enterprise waits for no man and he'll have to be ready to go on shift in the morning, fatigued or not. The troubles of the Nexus and Nirn will have to wait a little while longer.