In From the Cold (for smartass_captain)

[conjuredskies]

 He might remember small things, after. Little flashes of near-consciousness.

The fall forward onto the table, all his joints locking at once. Shouting. Ice pressing around him. Voices over him. Slung over a rock and the cold of it radiates through him down to the bone. Furs wrapping him tight. There’s a long, long march where he sways on someone’s shoulder, the wind battering his face. More voices.

Then darkness. So much darkness pressing around him…

When he wakes it might take a few minutes to comprehend what’s going on. He’s warm. He’s comfortable. The noise of the café has vanished. The wind outside has gone silent. There’s just the minute hum of electricity and life-support systems around him… and a rumble from the ginger fuzzball purring atop his chest.

The faint reverberation of engines sinks in.

He’s in his quarters. He’s on the Enterprise.

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[smartass_captain]

How many weeks has Jim longed for the faint hum of warp engines underfoot once more? A comforting sound he'd only just gotten back after a year and more spent in a borrowed living quarters on Yorktown already snatched out of reach so quickly by Winter's jaws clamping down on the Nexus. How the captain has longed to have his own bed once more with his husband curled up against him, with neither one of them in pain from the cold or the hunger. To treat this Winter like a bad dream and forget all about it after a stint in the sonic and the first of many replicated cups of coffee during his shift.

Just another nightmare.

Every day he'd wake on the cot though, with Felix clinging to him for warmth. The both of them wasting away to malnutrition. A growing fatigue that never abated. Every day Isidor Durant would ask what they could do and Jim would answer because they needed to survive. Did she ever suspect he was breaking her own rules? She wouldn't have known just how this sort of situation would affect him. No one would.

Almost no one.

Jim doesn't rouse right away but his change in breathing makes Tiber squirm and get up to stretch out before the kneazle starts butting his head against Jim's face with an even louder purr to welcome him back to the land of the wakeful. Back to the ship. Back home. Whether it's the kneazle or the sounds of the ship or what--the moment the pieces of the setting fall into place he's gasping and struggling to sit up. Too weak yet to bolt about with his usual frenetic energy but the desire to is still very much intact.

How? When?

Tiber hops off of Jim to miss the worst of the weak thrashing of sheets, though he's still butting his head against the captain's side when Jim manages to drag himself up into a sitting position to try and ease the human's panicked sweating and heartrate. His mouth feels like a desert and he's dizzy already. And yet...

"Felix..?!?"

[conjuredskies]

There's a soft sound of dislodged cushions, then a louder sound as something tumbles off the couch and nearly knocks a plate off the table en route. Felix has to stagger up properly and catch himself on the couch arm, blinking and groggy from the sleep that stole up on him.

"Juh-" He works his mouth and swallows. "Jim?" Another second and he's over by the bed, exhaling in relief. He leans against it and reaches out to touch Jim's shoulder. Press a palm against his forehead. "It's all right, I'm right here. Take it easy. Lemm- let me get you some water."

He knows what's going to come. Knows there will be consequences for what he did last night. But in this moment Jim is safe and they are home and his heart is light in his exhausted body. He'll be back with the water, and a warm damp cloth to wipe the captain's face with.

[smartass_captain]

The sound startles him but truthfully Jim doesn't have the strength to go throwing himself off of beds so swiftly even if he'd be liable to in most other situation. He won't even make it to getting a foot planted on the floor before Felix is there assuaging the knee-jerk fear that somehow Jim was alone back here. In the snippets of half-remembered consciousness he was sure he'd heard Felix's voice.

"Wh--" Felix is gone before he can stammer out a question, before Jim can organize his jumbling thoughts into any kind of facsimile of order. Felix is here and they're back on the ship. It's as far as he'd gotten. His hands shake with the glass enough to spill a bit over his shirt but the water is clean. The thought makes him shake again. He's going to finish it before he even thinks about setting the glass aside.

"How...?" The captain's voice is tight with emotions barely held in check. Anguish and tears he's kept from spilling all this time.

[conjuredskies]

He managed to pull off their damp outer clothes and boots and throw them in a corner before he passed out. Never managed to eat half the food he was given. Now Felix sits up on the bed with him, an arm wrapping around Jim's waist just to feel him there. Safe and warm...

"It's okay. It's okay, Jim. We're safe. We're back on the ship. I..." and there he hesitates. "I found a way back. I... got us out."

[smartass_captain]

The platitudes stick like barbs into Jim's skin as the base rejection of pity tries to kick in but he's too weak to fight it right now. All he manages is a frustrated groan in the back of his throat. Right now the urge to just fall back onto the bed and drop off into another long untroubled sleep is strong.

They're on the ship. They're safe.

They'll be taken care of.

He's forgetting something. Felix's hand is warm against Jim's skin. They should eat soon. Not too much--Jim knows from hard experience what recovering from this will be like. He'll probably have to tell Isidor though. Warn the...rest...of..

There's cold prickling the back of Jim's neck that has nothing to do with the temperature controls in their quarters. An icy weight of a question he already knows the answer to lingering in his gut. The ship couldn't hold so many extra people and there's be no way to explain the circumstances. No one's beating down his door for answers.

"Where are the others...?"

[conjuredskies]

The platitudes aren't all for Jim's benefit. Felix is trying to reassure himself, too. Taking in the fact that it worked... and thinking over exactly what he did.

Something that Jim's next question brings to the forefront uncomfortably fast.

He inhales, and for a moment the question hangs in the silence between them. Felix can feel his heart sink as he makes himself explain.

"Still in the Nexus," he says quietly. His arm around Jim loosens, anticipating the other man pulling away. "I couldn't... they were fine when we left, I swear."

[smartass_captain]

Tiber's reaching up to put his nosy beans on Felix's leg, pawing at him to answer the question that is causing Jim so much distress.They were gone and something has happened to them both but he can't understand just what sort of (mis)adventure he's missed out on.

Jim's breath rushes out of his lungs in a raspy swear in vehement Andorian, lurching toward the side of the bed. To try and get up. Get a uniform pulled on. Something. Anything.

All it does is make the room spin even worse and he ends up on his knees when his legs give out underneath his shaky weight. Jim's hands fist in the duvet while he struggles to try and push himself up. They're back in the Nexus? The supplies, the expedition plans, the consequences for failure are all still real. This happened and his own feebleness proves it. But why...how? Only them?

Jim grits his teeth before he pushes himself to his feet. Sways dangerously before his hand latches onto the wall to support his weight. Next to him Tiber lets out a low meow that's nearly painful to hear for how full of worry it is but stays out from underfoot as Jim yanks open his wardrobe.

[conjuredskies]

"Jim-" Felix's first impulse is to reach out and try to steady him, but the captain lurches out of reach and he's left worriedly stroking Tiber's head. He scrambles to his feet when Jim hits the floor, though, coming around the bed and trying to reach for him again.

"Let me help. Please." Jim's not looking at him and he can't tell if it's exhaustion or-

How ashamed he'll be of you.

"...Please?"

[smartass_captain]

"They're still in the Nexus. Why are we back if they're still in the Nexus?!" The how no longer really matters. However they got back it wasn't a way anyone else could use. Felix wouldn't just abandon everyone if there were a feasible way to get people out.Nor would he have let this go for so long were that the case.

All this time, all the rituals. Was that what this was all for? Just for the two of them?

"I have to--" Hands are on his shoulders and Felix is lucky that Jim's too weak to throw a punch right now because the flash of anger is very much real. "They're starving, Felix!" Trying to pull out of Felix's grip is only going to end with Jim on his ass on the floor shaking with emotion he can't sustain right now.

"We have to go back. I have to go back."

[conjuredskies]

Felix sinks to the floor with him, the twisting knot in his chest echoed in his expression.

"You can't. We can't." That's technically not true and he doesn't technically care. "The PINpoints still don't work, Jim. And I won't- they're going to be fine. They still have the expedition. They'll find what they need. With your notes and plans they'll survive."

[smartass_captain]

Jim's not the kind of man to leave anyone behind, not the kind of man to lead from the safety of the back lines. Definitely not the sort to put his own safety above another's, especially not so many. Felix knows more than most about Jim's past, more than anyone else save for his other self. So he should know why Jim's upset.

Hell, he's told Felix about Altamid even more recently.

"This isn't...how could you leave them behind? If you were going to--if you were going to get yourself to safety, you could have." Why did he take Jim? But Jim knows the answer. Because if he could save only one person, it would have been Felix. It doesn't make the knowledge that Isidor and his friends and all the other people they were protecting are back there suffering while he's warm and safe back aboard his ship.

"Fuck...!"

[conjuredskies]

"Because I had to! I couldn't take anyone else. Because I'm not you." It comes out in a jumbled guilty rush and he sucks in breath before he says anything more. His eyes are on Jim's face and his despair and just... that look in his eyes that Felix will do anything to try and stop. Has done.

"Because I can't save everyone," he says more quietly. "And I won't let you destroy yourself trying to."

Because he does know. He does understand, well enough to see how it would end.

[smartass_captain]

Better to die saving lives than to live with taking them.

Isn't that how it goes? That's how Jim sees the world but Felix Caelus isn't, has never been Jim Kirk. And he knows Jim well enough to see that he would absolutely follow through with that mantra before he left a single person behind. He's sounded Jim out well enough to step in and intervene on his behalf. It's something Spock or Bones might do, and even as Jim's making the comparison he's gritting his teeth because it doesn't make him any less angry that it came to this.

That someone who wasn't him made the call. But that's what happens when people care about you. Spend enough time sticking your neck out for others and someone's bound to try and do it back eventually.

"I wasn't--" The captain isn't going to try and sell that lie when he's too weak to stand on his own. It doesn't stop the vitriolic hatred at his own weakness or inability to help those who have been left behind. Or the way his heart wrenches at how desperate Felix looks at this moment staring back at Jim.

"Fucking...can't believe you. Why didn't you tell me what you were planning? I could have helped--maybe we could have found a way to make it work! We didn't try."

Days go by

[smartass_captain]

It takes them close to a week of rest and a heavily monitored diet before Bones will let either Jim or Felix eat completely without supervision or input. The doctor would normally expect more of a fight from Jim regarding treatment but in this case no one talks about why he's quietly accepting the doctor's input so readily. McCoy's the only one with access to his full medical records without the redactions, and Felix is the closest to knowing the full story outside of Jim himself.

He's been back to the bridge for shifts (gamma, nothing strenuous yet) in the days since but it still feels strange to be here instead of back in the Nexus. Felix still hasn't given Jim his PINpoint back. After nearly a week Jim's about ready to go snooping around for the damn thing himself.

It's "morning" when he gets off his most recent shift. Letting himself into their shared quarters and taking a look around. Tiber isn't giving him anything, so the kneazle must be asleep. It's not a guarantee Felix is though.

[conjuredskies]

It's comedic, really. Felix is still terribly wary of the Enterprise as a whole, reflexively nervous about traversing the ship's halls without Jim at his side to cover for him. The fact that he belongs there now hasn't yet sunk in, and it doesn't help that Sulu is definitely not buying his credentials for some reason.

And nonetheless, after a week cooped up in the same couple of rooms you'd expect even Felix would be venturing out during the day. Even if only to find his way to the observation deck, even if he kept stopping to scribble on that printed (printed!) map he always stashes in his pocket. He's an easily bored man and he's more recovered than Jim is yet. Which means it's quite transparent he's keeping vigil in their quarters to stop Jim from finding where he stashed the PINpoints. Or to stop Tiber from leading him to it. Likely both.

There's a pile of notes and a PADD on the coffee table, but those were there last night. Jim knows they're the xenotoxicology notes Felix has been making, puzzling his way through one of the reference texts Sulu pointedly name-dropped around him. But the mage's satchel is propped against the foot of the table.

Felix himself is dozing on the couch, a leather-bound notebook open in his hand. Tiber is curled up beside him, taking advantage of the warmth. The mage is dressed in a loose-fitting shirt and pants Jim's never seen him wear before - clearly something obtained in Yorktown, but it looks like something designed for meditation rather than workwear.

[smartass_captain]

After years of being hidden away in Jim's quarters, it's understandable that Felix would be wary of venturing out too far on his own just yet. He does get invited out to food after beta shift is over now and again as Norn tries to the best of his abilities to make more of a friend out of the Nirnish mage. Make sure Felix is getting by alright here.

Quietly trying to assure Felix that Sulu really isn't a bad guy, just kind of serious a lot of the time. And exceptionally passionate about his botany studies. Things Felix will learn the longer he's here.

Of course Felix thinks nothing of leaving what he calls his 'Earth study' notes laying about. Jim hasn't had the heart to tell him the phrase is a bit of a misnomer but Felix understands well enough that Earth is merely a planet in this sea of Black Jim calls a home. It gets the point across all the same. They're not anything of Felix's world, even if the mage is studying them.

There's a moment that lasts longer than Jim would like to admit where he considers just poking around while Felix is asleep. A temptation that leaves him chewing at his bottom lip in deep thought. One he tamps down with a frustrated sigh before he quite deliberately starts pulling off his boots and jacket without quite so much care about being quiet.

He's not going to make a very good show of his argument for Felix sharing more with him if he sneaks around now. He's going to make a beeline for the replicator though. Coffee is a must.

[conjuredskies]

He can hear the soft noise as Felix starts awake and drops the book. When he looks around the Imperial is rubbing a hand over his eyes. Beside him, Tiber lifts his head and opens his jaws wide in a lazy yawn before he blinks at Jim. Welcome back.

"Oh, um. You're back. What time is it?" He yawns himself, mirroring the cat before he stuffs the book down beside him and pulls himself up. "How was your shift?"

[smartass_captain]

Thump goes the book and 'whu?' goes Jim's husband. He should be proud that Felix is managing his own shopping trips now, clad in those pajamas that Jim definitely didn't get for him. It's a distracting thought but not an unpleasant one for a change. Coffee in hand, he'll grab a cup of tea for Felix. Knows well enough that the man is not much a fan of Starfleet's lifeblood.

Tiber could be forgiven for picking up such a mix of emotions from his bonded human. Jim's feelings regarding Felix are never usually this complicated. As infatuated as he is frustrated.

"0800. You didn't spend all night there while I was gone, did you?" His gaze tracks to the book that Felix hides away but rather than speak up on it Jim holds out the cup of tea instead when he moves closer. "Shift went well. Spent most of it running tests on some samples Alpha picked up and taking notes. Making sure we're on schedule for our next federation checkpoint."

He might have glossed over more of the explanation if Felix hadn't just spent months studying up on the basics of Starfleet and Jim's work. This is Felix's world now. As much as it is Jim's.

"How was your...nap?" He reaches over with his free hand and gives Tiber a good ruffle between his ears. "I know yours was fine, you lazy shit." All affection there though.

[conjuredskies]

"No... I woke up a couple of hours ago. Thanks." He takes the cup, cradling it in both hands as he breathes in the steam. "I thought I'd get in some practice, but I suppose I must have dozed off."

Between the hunger and disorientation and the strangeness of having actual light and a semblance of daytime, his sleep pattern would be out of order even if he hadn't spent weeks getting up at odd times to sneak off. He sips his tea with a sigh and feels a touch of pride that he actually followed what Jim was talking about there. He may never understand this realm like Tamriel, but he can at least start to get a feel for how the ship runs. That's a more manageable goal.

"...It's nice to be back here," he says, looking up as Tiber purrs his own reply. "I'm starting to feel almost human again." He pats the couch hopefully. "Going to join me?"

[smartass_captain]

There's programmable lights if Felix wants to simulate a proper day cycle. Jim's shown him how to use them before. Has a note to himself even to make more use of them if he ever starts feeling worn down the way he did before the events of Altamid. Jim likes to think he's beyond needing such things out here but experience has proven that five years is quite a long time with no sense of normalcy for a human's biological instincts.

"Anything interesting?" What sort of practice? Probably not conjuration else Felix likely wouldn't have drifted off. Nor mentioned it to Jim in the first place however passingly. Tiber gets up and stretches out the way only a cat can, back legs and then front before he shakes out his fluffy golden head and hops down to go get into trouble poke around their quarters while Jim takes the empty seat at Felix's side.

[conjuredskies]

"Warding spells. Maybe working on a minor summoning. I didn't get that far." He shrugs, sipping his tea and leaning into Jim. It's been a profound relief sinking into a routine again, however much he still has to get used to. "Mastering arcane secrets is still easier than making sense of Sulu's books."

He's... not avoiding mentioning the conjuration, at least. Not offering to elaborate either, though the fact he's still coming round might have to do with that.

[smartass_captain]

"He only mentioned them because they're in your reported field of study." Jim nudges Felix ever so slightly with his shoulder. Jim is pretty sure his crew will come around on the mage. Bones knows more than the others about who Felix is and what he's capable of. Spock seems to accept Felix at face value even if he doesn't always or even often understand.

If they like Felix, Jim's certain for the others it's only a matter of time.

"If it were me? I'd work on befriending Chekov first. He's a master of wearing Hikaru down." The tension in Jim's chest eases ever so slightly when Felix mentions his summons, even if he doesn't elaborate on it. "What are the wards for?"

[conjuredskies]

"I know, that's sort of the problem. I'm certain he's onto me. Winning over Chekov might be just the thing, though. That should be much easier."

He will infiltrate- er, befriend this crew, one way or another.

"The wards? Oh, anything." He sips his tea, still sleepy but perking up now that Jim's here. "Your basic ward is a general sort of shield. Best at deflecting or absorbing malign energies, though, more than physical attacks. Take quite a bit of effort, either way. Stratos is better with them than I am. I use another kind to- in ritual circles. For protection.

[smartass_captain]

"Most of the Alpha crew at least vaguely knows about the Nexus by now, Felix. It doesn't really matter if he's onto you or not. It's the rest of Starfleet we have to keep of your trail. And they won't see you hardly ever. It's fine." He does appreciate Felix at least trying to keep up the routine that he belongs here though. He does belong here, even if he wasn't born of this world.

This plane.

There's no one else Jim would rather have sitting next to him like this. He frowns at the vague description of the ward at first, but Felix follows it up swiftly. Jim's brow furrows while he tries to think back to the books he's read, to the runes he's seen diagrammed before. Felix conjures atronachs of destruction magic but they don't give him any affinity for their chosen element. Is this why Felix studies alchemy so seriously? For something to give resistance against the elements he courts?

His restoration skills to fuel the wards that will shield him from...what? The influence of the daedra? He inhales sharply when the memory of smoke fills his lungs and a hazy watery moment of a promise made resurfaces sworn to a man with a smile Jim cannot forget. Even if the rest of it slips right back out of his fisted hands as easily as sand.

"...Against the elements you hold council with?" It's a guess, albeit a slightly distracted one.

[conjuredskies]

"Against them, yes, and against the power of any other daedra I summon." The ones small enough to be so bound, at least. "And to protect my mind, if I plan to commune with them." His hands clench tighter around his cup, and he breathes in steam.

"If you get it wrong, or you summon something too powerful for your wards and bindings- then you're in trouble."