Playing With Shadows II, for smartass_captain

[conjuredskies]

The darkness flows around him, a river of shadow beneath a moonless night. His hands are in agony and there’s a dull thudding pain in his skull, but he’s safe. For now. At least until Jim finds out what he’s done.

Which… is fuck up a ritual in their most hated place and let loose a powerful, bloodthirsty daedric warrior.

Felix utters all the Andorian words Norn’s taught him not to say.

“Are you just going to sit there, featherless? Don’t you know how to walk?” There’s a familiar harshness to the voice; Felix isn’t surprised to lift his head and see the crow sitting in a stunted tree close by. Though in his defence, he thinks, it’s a black bird sitting in a black tree in the realm of eternal night. It doesn’t exactly grab the eye.

“You’re… the Knave of Rooks, aren’t you?” The smallest of the Blackfeather Court, and one of the lowest-ranking, from his observations.

“Correct, mortal!” The bird puffs and preens. “Prince Nocturnal commanded that I should guide you through her glorious realm of Evergloam, in fulfilment of your contract!”

"You? So then..." She didn't set one of her phantom Nightingales to handle this errand. Even a former mortal must outrank the bird. But Felix bites his tongue hard on that. Not the time to start offending his guide with such observations, even if he's inadvertently learning something. 

The Knave cocks his head at Felix, the glint of his eyes a violet spark in the gloom. “Well? Speak! Where is it you need to go?”

“Uh-“ To the Enterprise, scream the white-hot nerves in his hands, the ache of his skull and ribs. To the ship and Dr. McCoy and all his wonderful shiny machines for making the pain go right the hell away.

Then he considers the look on Jim’s face when Bones immediately reports this, and winces. Anyway, there’s precious few shadows to fall out of on the Enterprise. He’d be as well going to their quarters and then he might give Jim a nasty surprise to his face.

“Iowa. My home on Earth.” He doesn’t know if that means much to the crow, but maybe that doesn’t matter.

“Very well. Follow! Hurry up!” The crow flaps off, leaving the mage to stumble after him, up the bank of the dark river and through a sparse wood Felix has glimpsed before. He finds his sight starting to adjust to the shadows as he picks his way over rocks and roots, trying to stick to what path there is. The bird calls to him again each time he drops behind, harsh and grating and peppered with commentary Felix can’t concentrate enough to be annoyed by.

The pain in his hands ebbs and throbs in turns. Eventually he musters himself to speak again, just to distract himself.

“Hey… Knave? You’re a servant of Nocturnal. A… a wise noble of this realm. Can you tell me… why the hood I wear didn’t protect my mind, from… from the foul place I delved into?”

The compliments seem to do the trick: the bird stops to preen instead of complaining about the question. He seems to hesitate, though. Felix nearly flinches when he flies down to the conjurer’s shoulder, leans over to tug the hood with his beak.

“The boon of Nocturnal? Her Gift of Merciful Shadow?" His voice is even harsher delivered straight into Felix's ear. "It softens the bitter edges of the light, veils the bones too sharp for mortal minds to bear.”

“Yes- I know that, but then why didn’t it work?” It didn’t stop Rielle from getting to him. Reminding him…

“How should I know, featherless? It makes things seem no more than the lies they tell, yes? Maybe you are a bad liar!” The Knave scoffs and flaps loudly away into the darkness.

A bad liar? That doesn't even make... Felix nearly laughs until the shooting pain in his ribs makes it a whimper. He doesn't have energy to waste on ruining what little dignity he has left; he shuts up and follows until the Knave circles a pool of shadow, cawing pointedly. The conjurer steps into it- and lands on the rug in a darkened living room.

---

He doesn’t dare look at his hands until he’s running them under cold water. The burns left by the backlash of the spell are… bad, the skin bubbled and raw. Conjurer’s burn is an occupational hazard but he’s never been so stupid as to let himself fail at a summoning this badly. Never felt the results like this.

He’s infinitely lucky not to be dead, of course. He knows that down to his bones. Lucky to be here - he couldn’t have worked a PINpoint like this.

The burns are nothing he couldn’t heal… if he only had the use of his hands. Felix allows himself to groan and swear with the pain- and the anger at himself. The house is empty, nobody cares. He does have a stash of potions, though the way his body complains he doubts he’ll have anything strong enough to fully tackle what he’s done to himself. He goes for the best one- the emergency elixir stashed in a cupboard, gingerly maneuvering it down to the counter with his seared hands. Hugging it in the crook of his elbow as he painfully gets the stopper off.

When he lifts the hefty bottle to drink- he tips his head back, there’s a moment of nauseating dizziness - it slips out of his fumbling hands, spilling across the counter as it bounces-

-rolls-

-hits the floor and smashes.

Felix stares at the ghastly mess over the tiles. At the ghastly mess of his hands. For some reason all he can think despite the despair and the burning pain is What am I going to tell Jim?

And oddly, that’s when something clicks. He understands, quite suddenly. Not knowing whether to laugh or cry, Felix starts to do both. A painful, racking, sobbing laugh as he slumps against the counter and lets himself just… surrender for a minute.

What are you going to tell him? Idiot. You don’t even know what to tell yourself.

Comments

[betashiftblues]

It'll be fine Kav, but if it makes you feel better I'll check in to let you know how it goes. I've got it all figured out...

Lieutenant Norn glances aside to make sure no one else is paying him any mind before he slips his PINpoint out from where he's tucked it away at his station to check for any new messages. The captain would be cross with him if he knew Kav had snuck this up onto the bridge. The Nexus and anything related to it is still considered classified save for a handful of Alpha crew who are closest to him. Norn's an exception to this owing to his accident with the Nexus and Felix's insistence on a companion.

Times like this Kav wonders if he should regret that friendship. Even owing to the time differences between this universe and Felix's home of Nirn every rough calculation Kav has made indicates that Felix is late in checking in. He'd kept a fairly steady routine of it until the start of his shift.

Now, hours later, there's still no sign of the mage. The lieutenant should know. He's searched the ship for Felix's life signs at the top of every hour since he started. No response. He hasn't simply PINpointed back aboard to his quarters and collapsed in bed due to fatigue. Hasn't flocked to the dining hall to gorge himself on replicated cornbread. He hasn't replied at all.

His voice is far too faint for anyone to hear the native swears he murmurs to himself.

What now?

He can call Felix, but if the man is in a delicate situation flashing that kind of technology would only make things so much worse. Kav has tried texting Felix to remind him to check in. The only thing left to do is the one thing he's hoped beyond everything he wouldn't have to. When Beta ends, Norn hangs back after he's let his relief take her spot at the comms terminal. He waits outside the bridge and taps Captain Kirk on the arm as he's passing by toward the turbolift.

"....A moment, sir. If I may."

Jim's smile is friendly and automatic, fatigued though it may be. He nods in accommodation for Kav. Slows his steps until they're walking together toward the lifts.

"Sure, Norn. Everything alright? You seem quieter than normal." Kav waits until they're alone in the turbolift. He lets out a long drawn out sigh before he starts to explain. Jim doesn't stay to hear the end of it. His range of expression flashes through a crumbling attempt to control himself almost immediately abandoned in favor of stepping into the Andorian's space and demanding what little information Kav has. It's not much, but Jim will know the picture those vague shapes of a story the lieutenant is painting better than anyone.

Kav's never seen a man's face so pale.

"We will discuss this later, Lieutenant." It's all the dismissal Jim gives before he's all but sprinting for his quarters. It leaves Lieutenant Norn standing against the far wall of the turbolift as the doors hiss quietly shut again. He's done all he could and it doesn't feel good.

But he'd rather Felix be cross with him and come back alright than not at all.

[smartass_captain]

Felix got into trouble with a guy who loaned him something. On the surface, that story really doesn't seem so bad does it? It sounds like something Felix would do. The man has two separate homes in this universe, another two on Nirn and more than likely some favorite haunts in the Nexus or elsewhere where he likes to do his research. Misplacing something and having to beg off to go and find it to return to a guy is absolutely the kind of socially awkward trouble Jim expects from his husband. He's not really even surprised Felix didn't tell him about it if it's this kind of embarrassing. Felix likes to look like he's charming and suave.

In control of a situation.

But that couldn't be everything, could it? Jim's yanking off his boots and throwing his clothes haphazardly around their quarters before he flings himself toward the closet. He has to dig out something a lot less modern than this. By now though, Jim's got options. Has light leather armor he can pull on over his tunic and trousers. Has experience enough not to need help cinching it tight and fastening everything until it sits properly.

He can't ask you or his brother for help because the place would be...inconvenient for you both.

Sounds innocent, doesn't it? Except there's only one place on the whole of Nirn that Both Jim Kirk and Stratos Caelus have been to that has caused them any kind of shared pain and trauma. His fingers shake when he texts Felix. Simple, short. Urgent.

Where are you?

Felix hasn't told Stratos which means calling him isn't going to go anywhere quickly other than Two of them staving off panic attacks while they flail about. He PINpoints into a dark room that smells of hearthsmoke, incense, and very faintly of bitter alchemy reagents. Their room in Felix's family home in Bruma. Nothing looks strewn about. After a few careful moments listening, Uncle Terentius doesn't sound like he's bothered in the least. Did Felix come through here at all?

Or does he have the coordinates for...Jim can't find that place alone by memory. He knows that. He sinks onto the edge of their bed and flicks through his PINpoint's stored locations.

[conjuredskies]

Stratos's camp. The house in Iowa. The mountain in Skyrim where Felix takes him hiking, once in a long while. The spot outside Medesgate where they start when visiting Marcella. The places across Tamriel where they visited looking for Aunt Lartia.

They didn't save co-ordinates for Rielle. None of them ever wanted to return.

There's a careful tread in the hall outside, a hummed tune as Terentius comes back down to the private rooms for something. It's dark out (and the few windows on this level are small anyway). The glimmer of lamplight from beneath the door catches the old soldier's eye. Though he tenses for a moment, he's starting to get used to his nephews - blood and otherwise - appearing in the house without warning. That's wizards for you, apparently. Still, they were much easier to keep track of before they got hold of teleporting devices.

He paces over and knocks on the door gently. Wise enough not to just walk into a married couple's room, even to scold them. "All right, who's there?"

[smartass_captain]

Jim's lost in a spiral of sick worry laced with anger. Despair threatens to knock but it will do him no good right now. Not when he needs to mount a search. Needs to call Stratos so they can head back to--

A knock at the door.

Jim swears but it's too late to plunge the room back into darkness by shutting off the PINpoint. He doesn't have time...but this might be for the better. The captain gets to his feet and pulls open the door before Terentius feels inclined to try and force it open (again, they've had to replace the hinges on this more than once already thanks to Felix Jim knows). It's just him though. Alone in this room dressed like he's expecting a fight. When was the last time he's slept?

"It's me. I'm sorry, I was just on my way out in a moment. I thought Felix might have come here."

[conjuredskies]

"Felix?" Terentius's face turns swiftly from good-natured cheer to one deep furrow of worry, mirroring what he reads in Jim's face. He comes further into the room, setting his lamp on Felix's old desk. "No, I haven't seen him. What's he got up to now?"

Something bad, by the physical armor. Not a fight with Jim, by the same token.

[smartass_captain]

"It's..." For a moment Felix's secrecy steals Jim's voice too. This was clearly important enough that Felix not tell anyone and Jim is his husband. He should be honoring this. But there's a time and a place for propriety and Jim's not likely to get the information he needs without giving Terentius some context.

"I wish I had more details but.." He shrugs almost helplessly. That's Felix for you. "He's in trouble. He owes someone something he borrowed and he's gone off to get it but hasn't come back." Jim remembers the smell of rot and sloughed off flesh beneath his fingernails. Fuck, he doesn't want to go back. He doesn't want to think about Rielle and what lies beneath the flagstones. His dreams are bad enough.

"...I need to know how to get to Rielle."

[conjuredskies]

Terentius isn't surprised, for a minute. This sounds exactly like Felix's brand of trouble, and while Jim surely has good reason to be worried, it probably isn't cause to panic. He's even opening his mouth to reassure the captain when Jim brings up that name.

Some of the color drains from Terentius's ruddy face.

"Are you sure about that? Felix wouldn't even speak of that place, I can't imagine him ever going there willingly..." Or maybe he just doesn't want it to be true. Doesn't want to believe that chapter of his nephew's life is lying open again.

Though the seed of fear is already planted. What if Felix is there? If there's even a chance it's true, could either of them risk doing nothing for even a moment?

[smartass_captain]

"He lied to me about where he was going to be today. He's seemed restless for weeks now, and I just assumed he was getting a bit pent up from being on the ship for so long." Jim doesn't even realize his hands are shaking until he tries to check his PINpoint again. Seeing it only sets his anger all the closer to the surface in a bid to drown out his panic and wrestle it into something he can control.

"Felix is a lot of things but proactive isn't usually one of them. If he could foist some of the trouble off on me or Stratos I can't imagine him not taking that option. Unless we couldn't know. Unless...I'd try to tell him not to." Or if he'd go in Felix's place? Is all of this His fault? Jim feels sick and dizzy. He needs to sit back down at the edge of the bed. It's more of a stumble.

"He's not answering my messages. I. That place isn't safe. If something's happened..." Jim swallows hard and tries to imagine he's addressing his crew. He has to be in control of himself. "We...might already be fighting the clock on this."

[conjuredskies]

The lines of the old legionnaire's face grow deeper by the moment. He moves closer to place his hands on Jim's shoulders, squeezing them firmly.

"Steady, lad. We'll find him, don't doubt it. You're right that we have to be sure he isn't there. But." A small, deliberate shake. "I won't send you there alone or unprepared. You already look like you've been standing watch three days straight. You've got your gear, now you need to go check your haunts and collect up any potions he's left stashed away. Even if you don't need them, he will. Then, if there's still no sign of him, you go get Stratos and bring him here. Do we have a plan?"

[smartass_captain]

Jim's gaze snaps to the cupboards where Felix would undoubtedly keep his stores but what little is here even Jim knows won't be what they need to treat an injured man. There is an empty leather satchel he spies that he can snatch up to store what he can find. The ship has a couple of things but they're all small. Minor brews (mostly made by Jim) that Felix uses while he's meditating or practicing aboard the ship. Anything major would have to be--

"The house. Our house on Earth. That's where all of his equipment's set up. The best potions we've got will be stored there." In all honesty Jim holds no hope to find Felix there if he wasn't on the ship. He's convinced his husband is below ground in a place they've all tried so very hard to put out of their minds for good.

"I'll fill up the satchel and call Stratos. We can meet back here. I shouldn't be gone longer than half an hour."

[conjuredskies]

Terentius nods, a little relieved just that Jim's taking the advice. The man's no fool but the kind of things playing through his mind right now- well, they'd be enough to cloud anyone's judgment.

"I'll gather up any other supplies that will help. Torches, for a start." He pats Jim's shoulder before he pulls away. "We know where to pick up the trail this time. We won't lose him again."

Wishful thinking, maybe- Terentius knows well there's a thousand bad places a conjurer like Felix could have disappeared off to. But they can't afford to let that thought take over. Rielle, at least, is a horror they can name and deal with.

[smartass_captain]

"R...right. I hadn't thought about that." Not when he has artifacts that emit light as well as a mage's spell on his person. Obviously he couldn't use those outside in this world though. Jim scrubs his hand down his face. Takes a deep breath and forces himself to hold it.

He's Captain James T. Kirk-Caelus and he's damn well going to get this done. Breaking down will just have to wait. Jim pushes himself up to his feet. Grits his teeth when a wave of nausea rolls over him. Calm and in command. Calm. In command. Over and over, he repeats the mantra until it passes. The satchel gets snapped up in a whisk of his arm as Jim digs out his PINpoint again.

"I'll be back soon." It's a promise. There's hardly a sound before Jim's vanished from sight.

---

There must be a dozen missed messages on Felix's PINpoint.

Nearly all of them are from Norn while Felix's introverted companion worried himself sick. Hours apart and growing in emotional distress to the point of the last message the Andorian sent that was almost entirely profanity ending with 'you told me you Had this under control'. Jim's is much more simple sitting atop that pile but they all linger unread. Even if Felix wanted to check the device right now he couldn't where he's sunk down onto the kitchen floor sobbing until he's starved of air.

Around him the house is nearly silent. The air stale where it's not completely overpowered by the smell of his potion spreading slowly across the counter and floor, dripping down to make tiny patters next to where Felix has crumpled.

Through hitched painful breaths he'll hear boots on the floors of the other room. Quick and with a purpose before turning almost panicked as Jim lurches through the dark living room and nearly cracks his head open stumbling over the coffee table. The smell, the sound--is that crying?

Jim wasn't prepared for this. If Felix is here why wouldn't he respond--Artifical light floods the kitchen as he slaps for the controls.

"Felix?! What the fuck...oh shit oh fuck come here what the fuck happened ohno no no no.."

[conjuredskies]

He has his head tipped back against the counter to keep it steady. Everything feels too heavy and movement occasionally makes his head swim with pain. In the back of his head is a whisper that he has to move sooner or later, that passing out here would be a really bad idea. That he needs to find a potion or hope someone will find him. Jim. It would only be Jim.

It's just a question of whether he's more willing to face this agony or the look on his husband's face.

The manic laughter has died out of his sobs, his gulped breaths slowing as the pain and exhaustion take over. That's when he hears the sound of boots and knows the choice has been made for him.

The light is sudden and far too bright. Felix flinches, squinting up at Jim's horrified expression. It turns out his heart can sink even further. The Imperial struggles to push himself up, not to look quite so pathetic, to reassure his beloved at least a little. Wipes at his face with an awkward sleeve.

"I'm sorry, I really am I'm so sorry..." He looks so frightened. So hurt. Because of Felix, again. "I thought- I thought I could do it safely, I swear-"

Much, much later in the day...

[conjuredskies]

Bones makes them wait until the end of Alpha and Felix getting his hands freshly dressed before he'll examine the man again and consider letting him be moved back to quarters. He's still a bit loathe to let Felix out of his sight, but he has to concede the Imperial isn't in danger of getting worse provided one of the medical staff changes his dressings regularly over the coming days. And provided he stays still. He's better at that than Jim, by far, but Bones is not a trusting man when it comes to these two.

He relents, in the end, in favor of getting the space back and getting Jim somewhere he'll sleep properly. But only after the captain's promised to make sure Felix doesn't go anywhere.

The upshot is that it'll be well into Beta shift before they're back in their own quarters and properly alone with each other once more. Felix sighs and relaxes back into the relative softness of their own pillows.

"You must be getting hungry by now. Or do you want a nap first?"

Re: Much, much later in the day...

[smartass_captain]

There's only so much Bones can handle Jim pacing around the sickbay. He's a terrible enough patient when he's not all that able to move. Having him worried and frustrated and mobile is so very much worse. Letting Felix off back to their quarters at least means being well out of spill zone whenever that emotional thunderstorm comes to a head. Felix will need to head back down twice a day to get his dressings seen to for the next few days.

Everything else can be handled with ample amounts of rest. Which, after a very long day spent fussing over Felix is something Jim needs as well. Unluckily for everyone, he's still upset about how Felix got hurt in the first place and much too used to pushing himself when he needs to sit down for a while.

Jim's gotten Felix propped up with a bunch of pillows on their bed in their quarters and has disappeared from the man's side to get himself a replicated coffee. He'd have gone for one of the minor stamina potions as well if he didn't know it'd earn him an earful from Felix. Jim doesn't see the problem, personally. That's what they're for.

"Just getting a coffee." The captain confirms it by holding the mug aloft for Felix to see once he's fetched it. "....You want some tea or anything?"

[conjuredskies]

"More coffee? You know, you don't have to be on high alert right now." The longer Felix is conscious the more time he has to get antsy, and he'd prefer Jim to be as relaxed as possible. Not that he really has... any room whatsoever to be giving health advice right now.

"...But yes. Please. I'd appreciate some tea." It'll be a change from water and it's something to help Jim feel useful. Will require him to settle down beside his husband to help him drink, even.

[smartass_captain]

"No, but I like it." Needs it to function, more like. The tension headache sitting between his eyes is a constant companion after a day spent worrying over Felix. Answering difficult messages form Stratos. They still don't know much of anything yet. No doubt Felix is hoping Jim will be so worried about Felix's recovery he forgets about how the man ended up like this to begin with.

"I'll get it now." Just half a cup for starters. It's easier for Jim to help Felix drink from a cup when it's not so full. They might have found this out the hard way already. Jim's not taking the risk with a hot beverage. Not when Felix is already burned.

When he comes back Jim's going to set both mugs down on the side table nearest Felix's side of the bed. There's no room to pull up a chair so he'll have to settle on the side of the bed next to Felix.

"It's not scalding hot but..." His gaze strays to Felix's bandages. Jim scowls. "Maybe we should wait a few minutes."

[conjuredskies]

"One minute. If it gets cold it's just bitter water." Felix catches that scowl and tries to reassure him gently. "It's all right. I can hardly feel a thing now, you know. It could be worse."

[smartass_captain]

"Fair enough I suppose." Jim will drink room temperature coffee he's forgotten about that's been sitting for hours but it's much less enjoyable than fresh. Replicated coffee is even worse for this.

Still. He's going to be careful when he moves Felix's mug over to help his husband get a drink. His expression always softens when he's doing this but there haven't been a whole lot of smiles on Jim's part since Felix got brought back to the ship.

"Easy. I've got it...."

[conjuredskies]

Felix budges up to let him sit further up on the bed, hoping Jim will get comfortable. It's... awkward, and if it was anyone but Jim doing this he'd be embarrassed. Right now, though, that careful assistance is a reminder of his husband's love and concern. He cares. He won't stop caring. Even if...

"...Thanks. It's good..." He'll take a few sips with Jim's help before he sits back. Peers sidelong at Jim's expression.

"Come on. You should be resting, too. You don't need to worry now."

[smartass_captain]

"As good as the replicated stuff gets." It's an herbal spiced tea that Spock recommended to him and one Jim's passed on to Felix. One of the few teas Jim's gotten a taste for out of the options available to them from the replicator. When Felix is done drinking Jim pulls the mug away to set back on the bedside table before fetching his own to drink deeply from.

Felix is watching carefully, so he'll catch the way Jim clenches his teeth before he hides behind his mug. He's not drinking now, just buying himself a few precious seconds to think before he opens his mouth and says the first thing that comes to mind.

"...Oh, really?"

[conjuredskies]

He doesn't need to guess when he already suspects Jim's angry with him. The forced calm in his voice spells it out further, spurs the Imperial to blurt out an attempt at reassuring him.

"Of course." He hesitates after it's said, twisting to search Jim's face. "...I know you're upset with me. But I'm back now, and safe. Thanks to you." All good, see?

[smartass_captain]

"Fucking..." It's barely more than a whisper while Jim rolls his eyes. "Thanks to me? Felix I still don't know what's going on. I can Guess at quite a bit and I'm not sure which part of it is more goddamn upsetting. How long are you going to keep pretending that I'm an idiot?"

Really, it's Jim's own fault in a few ways. If he's right and Felix did go back to that hellish place on his own it was surely because he didn't want Jim or Stratos to be forced into going. It's only making his chest ache all the more.

[conjuredskies]

"I just meant..." Felix hesitates, looking like a deer in the headlights. He can't hide from the issue when Jim brings it up so directly.

He'd really hoped he could avoid this at least until they were more rested. Should have known better: should have realized the captain would find no rest until some of this was out in the open.

"...I thought Kav told you most of it," he says carefully. "You said before... you knew where I'd been. That I'd gone back... there."

[smartass_captain]

"He told me you were in trouble with a friend. That you lost something that didn't belong to you and that you couldn't ask me or your brother for help because it would be 'upsetting' for us. That was literally it."

There's very few places that could have that kind of history for Jim and Stratos. Even less in Cyrodiil proper. Felix didn't get to see them get nearly eaten in the marshes after all.

"Of course I was going to assume it was--" Jim swallows roughly and shakes his head. "You were in so much pain when I found you..."