Playing With Shadows II, for smartass_captain

[conjuredskies]

The darkness flows around him, a river of shadow beneath a moonless night. His hands are in agony and there’s a dull thudding pain in his skull, but he’s safe. For now. At least until Jim finds out what he’s done.

Which… is fuck up a ritual in their most hated place and let loose a powerful, bloodthirsty daedric warrior.

Felix utters all the Andorian words Norn’s taught him not to say.

“Are you just going to sit there, featherless? Don’t you know how to walk?” There’s a familiar harshness to the voice; Felix isn’t surprised to lift his head and see the crow sitting in a stunted tree close by. Though in his defence, he thinks, it’s a black bird sitting in a black tree in the realm of eternal night. It doesn’t exactly grab the eye.

“You’re… the Knave of Rooks, aren’t you?” The smallest of the Blackfeather Court, and one of the lowest-ranking, from his observations.

“Correct, mortal!” The bird puffs and preens. “Prince Nocturnal commanded that I should guide you through her glorious realm of Evergloam, in fulfilment of your contract!”

"You? So then..." She didn't set one of her phantom Nightingales to handle this errand. Even a former mortal must outrank the bird. But Felix bites his tongue hard on that. Not the time to start offending his guide with such observations, even if he's inadvertently learning something. 

The Knave cocks his head at Felix, the glint of his eyes a violet spark in the gloom. “Well? Speak! Where is it you need to go?”

“Uh-“ To the Enterprise, scream the white-hot nerves in his hands, the ache of his skull and ribs. To the ship and Dr. McCoy and all his wonderful shiny machines for making the pain go right the hell away.

Then he considers the look on Jim’s face when Bones immediately reports this, and winces. Anyway, there’s precious few shadows to fall out of on the Enterprise. He’d be as well going to their quarters and then he might give Jim a nasty surprise to his face.

“Iowa. My home on Earth.” He doesn’t know if that means much to the crow, but maybe that doesn’t matter.

“Very well. Follow! Hurry up!” The crow flaps off, leaving the mage to stumble after him, up the bank of the dark river and through a sparse wood Felix has glimpsed before. He finds his sight starting to adjust to the shadows as he picks his way over rocks and roots, trying to stick to what path there is. The bird calls to him again each time he drops behind, harsh and grating and peppered with commentary Felix can’t concentrate enough to be annoyed by.

The pain in his hands ebbs and throbs in turns. Eventually he musters himself to speak again, just to distract himself.

“Hey… Knave? You’re a servant of Nocturnal. A… a wise noble of this realm. Can you tell me… why the hood I wear didn’t protect my mind, from… from the foul place I delved into?”

The compliments seem to do the trick: the bird stops to preen instead of complaining about the question. He seems to hesitate, though. Felix nearly flinches when he flies down to the conjurer’s shoulder, leans over to tug the hood with his beak.

“The boon of Nocturnal? Her Gift of Merciful Shadow?" His voice is even harsher delivered straight into Felix's ear. "It softens the bitter edges of the light, veils the bones too sharp for mortal minds to bear.”

“Yes- I know that, but then why didn’t it work?” It didn’t stop Rielle from getting to him. Reminding him…

“How should I know, featherless? It makes things seem no more than the lies they tell, yes? Maybe you are a bad liar!” The Knave scoffs and flaps loudly away into the darkness.

A bad liar? That doesn't even make... Felix nearly laughs until the shooting pain in his ribs makes it a whimper. He doesn't have energy to waste on ruining what little dignity he has left; he shuts up and follows until the Knave circles a pool of shadow, cawing pointedly. The conjurer steps into it- and lands on the rug in a darkened living room.

---

He doesn’t dare look at his hands until he’s running them under cold water. The burns left by the backlash of the spell are… bad, the skin bubbled and raw. Conjurer’s burn is an occupational hazard but he’s never been so stupid as to let himself fail at a summoning this badly. Never felt the results like this.

He’s infinitely lucky not to be dead, of course. He knows that down to his bones. Lucky to be here - he couldn’t have worked a PINpoint like this.

The burns are nothing he couldn’t heal… if he only had the use of his hands. Felix allows himself to groan and swear with the pain- and the anger at himself. The house is empty, nobody cares. He does have a stash of potions, though the way his body complains he doubts he’ll have anything strong enough to fully tackle what he’s done to himself. He goes for the best one- the emergency elixir stashed in a cupboard, gingerly maneuvering it down to the counter with his seared hands. Hugging it in the crook of his elbow as he painfully gets the stopper off.

When he lifts the hefty bottle to drink- he tips his head back, there’s a moment of nauseating dizziness - it slips out of his fumbling hands, spilling across the counter as it bounces-

-rolls-

-hits the floor and smashes.

Felix stares at the ghastly mess over the tiles. At the ghastly mess of his hands. For some reason all he can think despite the despair and the burning pain is What am I going to tell Jim?

And oddly, that’s when something clicks. He understands, quite suddenly. Not knowing whether to laugh or cry, Felix starts to do both. A painful, racking, sobbing laugh as he slumps against the counter and lets himself just… surrender for a minute.

What are you going to tell him? Idiot. You don’t even know what to tell yourself.

Comments

[conjuredskies]

Felix drops his gaze at that rebuke, hands lowering from Jim's face. After how he's handled his own feelings here, what right has he to tell Jim how to interpret his? And he can only wince when Jim calls him out on his excuses.

"I'm sorry," he says, knowing it's not enough. He can open up about everything he's done but until he shows Jim he can change his habits, such belated truths will only rub in how much Felix has already kept from him.

Still, he says it: "When you want to hear it... the whole story. I'll tell you everything. Stratos too, I suppose.,. he'll want to know."

[smartass_captain]

It's not until Stratos' name is mentioned that the stiff tension in Jim's posture seems to soften. Jim may be hurt and angry but he suspects Felix is going to get far worse of a dressing down when his brother gets involved. Where Jim held his tongue so as to not treat Felix like an ill-behaving child....

He sighs heavily.

Jim's hands find Felix's shoulders again, as gentle as ever.

"Do you prefer to tell it just the once, or would it be better if you told me first?"

[conjuredskies]

"I..." What a choice, when he feels such a turmoil of guilt and fear to think of telling the story at all. But Jim's hands are firm on his shoulders, despite how he's upset his husband. Felix makes himself look up again.

"I'd rather..." not piss off both of you at the same time, "tell you, first. I need to, well. Get it straight in my mind before I explain it to him." Which he is truly dreading.

[smartass_captain]

"Okay....okay." Jim looks around their quarters. His chest is still so tight with withheld emotion. Frustration welled up with nowhere to go. If Felix talks out his bad choices now Jim's not wholly certain he's going to be able to keep quiet and let Felix work through those rough memories on his own time.

"Let me...get you something to eat. Settled again. I need. I need to take a walk first." Maybe head down to the gym and work out some frustrations. Head down to the observation deck and sort out how he's feeling about all of this where no one else can linger and prod him about it.

"I'll come back in a bit, grab some food, and you can tell me then."

Jim can see the worry and hesitation on his husband's face. Expects the quiet dismissal that Felix isn't hungry right now. How could he think of eating with the scare Jim's given him? Knowing Jim is so hurt and upset because of him? It's not a decision Jim's going to dispute. Once Felix is arranged as comfortably as can be seen to on their bed Jim leaves their quarters.

The Enterprise-A is large enough he could pace its halls without fear of doubling back on himself for quite some time but her captain has a few places he prefers to linger when needing time and space to think. At this time of Beta there's still plenty of people milling about either waiting for their shift to start or winding down from their day. Not the best time to spend lingering in the gym. Not when he's in no mood to be social. So too are the observation decks similarly bustling with people taking their meals or enjoying time off the clock. Jim heads instead for the turbolift to venture down into Engineering. It's taken years for him to be comfortable down here again, but before his untimely temporary demise this would probably be his second favorite place on the entire ship after the bridge.

Jim finds Scotty's latest out of the way repair project he comes round to poke at when the ship's chief engineer wants to be left alone. It's easy to find if one knows to look for places about the size to hide a tea kettle that shouldn't be stored down here. Scotty's no here now, but Jim can message him and see what all needs doing. An hour or so of getting his hands dirty will go a long way toward helping him calm down.

He thinks about the fear in Felix's eyes as he's muscling a spanner back into a hard to reach nook. Jim's frustrations don't change how much he cares for his husband. Down here no one can hear him swear to himself. No one will judge what he says. If he sheds tears. There's just the work to be done in front of him.

Jim works until his arms start to ache. Until there's a growing concern that Scotty will turn up to ask after him. As much as the captain enjoys his friend's company now is not the time to go sharing a drink and feeling sorry for himself. No matter how much Jim may want to avoid Felix for the moment the mage is still injured. Has promised to tell Jim the whole story of his time spent sneaking back off to Rielle.

No, he won't keep Felix waiting for that long. As his stomach grumbles for its neglect Jim puts away the tools he'd taken out and makes for the cafeteria. He's already selected Felix's favorite options out of habit before Jim scowls slightly at himself as he arranges the tray to bring back to their quarters. Well. Maybe it'll be enough to coax Felix to eat something with Jim while he tells his tale.

It's an hour and a half later when the door hisses back open and Jim returns with food in hand. It fills the room with the scent of beef and vegetable stew with a hearty bread to go alongside it. No ale to drink with it though--Felix will have to settle for another cup of tea when Jim sets the tray down on the side table.

"Hope you're a bit more hungry now." It's all Jim offers at first for conversation. He's no longer clenching his jaw or pacing like a caged beast. The vaguely artificial chemical smell that clings to Jim speaks of where he's been, as do the small grease stains on his face and clothing.

"I brought enough for both of us."

[conjuredskies]

Jim takes his anger with him, and though anxiety for his husband gnaws at him Felix is a little relieved, for a few minutes. Sitting in the dim light of their quarters with nothing but the quiet hum of the ship... and his own guilt. Their arguments - and his own bad memories - playing out in his mind over and over.

Maybe he should have asked for a book.

The loneliness sets in after about ten minutes. Felix is starting to feel very sorry for himself, all alone with his burned hands, when there's a thump from across their quarters and the padding of small feet. Tiber jumps up onto the bed a moment later, purring up a storm to find Felix entirely trapped in a cushy spot.

"...You golden devil, were you hiding over there?" Probably hogging Jim's desk chair to stay out of the way and keep his owner from doing any work. Felix knows Tiber is more intelligent than a normal cat- and he does seem more inclined to respond to Jim's moods. Maybe they're both looking for some comfort. He strokes the cat's head with awkward care and sighs. "Turning up after all the shouting's over, huh? I couldn't have done better myself."

Tiber blinks at him smugly, and gets down to the important work of finding the best position to sit on top of the human. Preferably one that'll trap his legs in an awkward position...

He's still there when Jim returns- Felix knows who's coming by the way Tiber's ears twitch and his head lifts - though when the captain steps inside, the cat's getting up in a hurry. Jim's remark about being hungry elicits a long mrooow before Felix can open his mouth.

"Starving." Felix pushes himself straighter, peering at Jim carefully. Taking in his posture as well as the stains on his clothes. Some men would go and hack at a target with a sword; Jim, he's learned, has other tastes. "Though apparently you were supposed to bring enough for three."

[smartass_captain]

The kneazle certainly wastes no time at all in twining around Jim's boots before headbutting the captain rather harder than normal. It's much more difficult for Jim to forget to eat or sleep to his own detriment when he's got Tiber around to scold him when he gets out of line. Such a mighty chore deserves a mighty feast in turn, surely? Jim sighs loudly in the room--but there's a reluctant smile twitching at the corner of his mouth before he bends down to offer a few scritches.

"You have your own food, you know." Tiber's got no shortage of fresh food or water over in his place in their quarters tucked over near Jim's desk. But they both know that what the kneazle is asking for is one of his favorite snacks. He's eagerly pushing his way into their closet when Jim digs through the small apothecary's satchel purring loud enough for Felix to hear across the room before Jim offers the fiend a torchbug thorax that's snatched out of his hand almost before he can offer it to Tiber.

"Don't make a mess with that!" Is all Jim can call out after Tiber. Felix sees the gold streak settle down underneath Jim's desk to get to work decimating Felix's alchemy ingredients with supreme satisfaction. He's done his part to distract and calm down Jim a bit more, Felix. Now he reaps his reward while you get your precious Human Fare.

Though Jim's rolling his eyes after Tiber that tick upwards in mood doesn't vanish again when he settles down on the edge of the bed so he can set about helping Felix eat.

"Good to hear it." It's not the most dignified way to take a meal but Felix at least will get to eat everything while it's fresh with his husband's help.

[conjuredskies]

It's long past the point where Felix can seriously complain about his supplies being raided. He's spent enough time in the woods - or more often, these days, the shops of Solitude - getting extra supplies to make up for those lost to kneazle munchies.

Besides, at this moment the Imperial is stretching his freed legs and rearranging himself to let Jim help him eat. It's... intimate, considering everything still hanging unresolved between them.

"Thanks," he murmurs when Jim settles down with him, earnest gratitude in it. "It smells really good..." Even if it's going to take some work to sate his stomach's eager growling. A few quiet minutes while Jim spoons stew into his mouth and Felix's eyes keep tracking back to his expression. He seems more... tired, now, than angry. That's probably good. And Felix is already starting to feel less dire with some food in his belly and an hour or so of a cat purring atop him.

"Remember to eat yours too," he chides after a bit, though he softens his tone. The words exchanged before are still bright and fresh in his mind. "I don't want to hog it all."

[smartass_captain]

They've all learned the hard way which things Tiber can readily eat of Felix's pack and which to avoid. Thankfully, Tiber's smart enough to know which things to avoid himself. But insects are a favorite snack (albeit not as good as when they're fresh for catching).

"Anytime. You've certainly helped me plenty before..." Jim might have scowled before for grabbing Felix's favorites from the replicator, but here and now its a blessing to have his husband eating heartily. It means less of a chance they'll have to do this again before tomorrow. Jim's not unaware of how helpless this must feel to Felix. He'd be losing his mind if he was the one in bed.

"Relax. I brought enough for two." He's going to rearrange himself on the side of the bed to turn toward filling his own stomach since Felix seems to be done. Jim grabs up the other slice of bread quickly enough. Despite everything Jim can't put off eating a proper meal forever. He's starving as he digs into his food.

"...I'm listening whenever you're ready, by the way." Glancing up from the bowl toward Felix for just a moment. While talk of Rielle is sure to put him off eating Jim's pretty sure there's much more to the story of why he ended up there. Plenty of time he figures to finish his food if Felix is ready to talk.

[conjuredskies]

"And will again, I've no doubt..." It's not pointed, despite the context. Felix hasn't the will or the high ground to start with barbs now. Even less when he's already truly grateful for his husband's attentions.

If something like this had happened to him just a few years ago, would he have had anywhere to go for help? When he was just an adventuring conjurer, would he have made it out with his life, let alone the promise of recovering his hands?

He's staring at Jim and pondering how lucky he is when that glance and quiet remark interrupt his thoughts. Felix swallows. Well, can't put it off forever. Though he sits back on the pillows, tipping his head back toward the ceiling for a minute. He's... not sure he can look at Jim's face while he talks about this.

"Well... after the Runeblades, uh..." His mouth goes dry, Felix losing the thread of his words for a moment, "began... influencing me. I did a lot of things I shouldn't have. They had me- no, I mean, I needed research materials. For what I was trying to do. So at one point I... got my friend Mathieu from the College of Whispers to help me get into their restricted library. I'm not a member, you see, and if anyone had really valuable tomes on the higher uses of necromancy... or. Well. Any of the magic I thought I wanted to study."

He draws a long breath and ploughs onward. "Anyway, the problem is, I made off with an armful of those books before I was done with them. I took them back for further study. To... Rielle. Where I was holing up."

[smartass_captain]

Jim still sulks a bit when Felix says as much, but on a thought he can't deny that. Felix knows all too well how Jim feels about protecting his crew. The responsibilities he has as the Enterprise-A's captain, to say nothing about Jim's own reckless nature.

"...Probably." He accepts, instead, and even this is an understatement when 'definitely' is the word they should be using. But it's a start. A concession, no matter what their discussion had been before. Jim's at least willing to listen and consider now. Jim shifts slightly on the bed to give Felix the room he needs to stretch out, lie back and consider what he's going to say. This isn't going to be easy to hear; there's no scenario Jim can imagine where it'll be easy to talk about either.

If it were easy, Felix probably wouldn't have lied about it in the first place. Best to look down at his bowl and focus on the food Jim's working at while he's got the chance. A wise idea considering the mere mention of the Runeblades sends a chill down the captain's spine.

"Mmh." Noncommittal. A grunt of affirmation that Jim is following more than any real opinion. The captain stares down at the remnants of his meal. The stew doesn't look so appetizing all of a sudden. He forces a few more bites--he's fine. Everything is alright for the moment. Felix's ownership of his actions cut nearly as deep as the mention of those cursed blades. Nausea sweeps over the captain and he quietly puts the tray on the side table. He doesn't want to see smears of dark liquid and chunks of flesh right now.

Coffee is better. Jim doesn't have to look at it and the smell is a comfort he clings to.

"But. You didn't find them when you went back." Jim supplies softly. He's pretty sure there weren't any books lying around at the house. Pretty sure, but not totally certain. He'd only been looking for Felix that night.

[conjuredskies]

"No." Felix closes his eyes. Now isn't the time to think on what a worthless waste of time that was-

"No, I- I searched the upper chamber. Where I'd been sleeping." At first. When he'd still slept. "I thought they had to be there, I must have gone through every scrap of paper in there three times over. But... they weren't. Which means I had to have... taken them further down. Where I was working."

He's quiet for a few moments. Not sure how much of what he saw or sensed there was real. It had felt real... "I only made it to the top of the stairs. I think... I think there's something still down there."

[smartass_captain]

At first Jim says nothing. His hands grip tightly to the ceramic to keep from shaking. Felix took them further down. Down to a dark place that smelled of rotting meat and fetid water. Jim's stomach rolls. He has to bare his teeth to physically force back the urge to be sick. He's got no idea how pale he is, how tight his expression has become while Felix speaks. It's been years, now.

After all this time, Jim really thought he'd be alright.

But all it takes is mention of that dark flooded cave filled to the brim with shambling horrors that reach out in the gloom. Of skin soughing off as limbs brushed against him, covering his hair and clothing in their decay. (Deep breaths. In and out.) Felix is right here. Felix never became one of them. He's right here.

"There were...too many." Jim's voice is tight. "We couldn't get rid of all of them."

[conjuredskies]

He opens his eyes at the strain in Jim's voice. The fear he's fighting down before it turns into panic. And that alone drags Felix back from sinking into his own memories- standing on the precipice of a shadowed stairway, the wash of fetid air snuffing out the light, the unwanted memories of what he did down there- it all becomes that much less important beside the knowledge that his husband is afraid. Not gone. But faded, unfocused. Less real and less tangible than the shudder in Jim's breath and the sick look in his face.

Felix leans over, rests a bandaged hand on Jim's arm. Tugs it until the other looks at him, if only to urge him not to do that and risk hurting himself.

"I... yeah." Should he say he knows? Remind them both of how many he made? How aware he was of the rescue team's progress through his-their domain? Felix doesn't know. It takes a few minutes before he can bring himself to say any more. He's trying not to think too hard when he does.

"I don't... know how long they would last. Most of them. I don't think I was that skilled. The enchantments might have frayed, or run out of power..."

[smartass_captain]

It's like turning over a page in a playbook and recognizing the next act by name. Felix tugs on his husband's arm until he nearly spills his coffee and as assuredly as the sun rises in the morning Jim's brow furrows with his worry as he turns to face Felix directly.

"You're going to hurt yourself again--just because the medicine numbs the pain doesn't mean you're healed just yet." But it's a hand to pull Jim up safely out of the ocean of nightmares he'd been sinking down into the depths of. It's an anchor to the here and the now rather than the past both men here have tried so very hard to forget.

Jim's hands are still warm through Felix's bandages as he eases his husband back to where he should be resting. Rielle and those blades are still hurting Felix even now. But Jim isn't a mage, no matter how much he's tried to observe them. The information Felix divulges brings the first whispers of relief to the captain's fears.

"They're not...permanent? But you said..." Felix said he thought. But he could be wrong. It could have just been his own fear and bad memories getting to him. "Then how'd you...you're supposed to be an expert with Conjuration. How did you get hurt?"

[conjuredskies]

"I know, but-" There's no arguing with Jim, though, and honestly Felix is too grateful to see his husband's thoughts turn anywhere else besides that dark place. And he'll do all manner of unwise things if it'll keep Jim from that.

Which is rather what got them into this position in the first place, though, so perhaps he'd best keep a leash on that inclination.

"I-" He shakes his head, unable to explain all the things he needs to in one breath. "Not like that. I don't know what's still down there. A skilled necromancer could make a zombie last for years, centuries even, but even with the Runeblades I was... only practicing yet." He swallows back bile, pushes down the memory of how much more they had planned. He had planned, with their encouragement.

"I think- well. It doesn't matter, I never saw what was in there. My light failed and I- I got out." His heart is pounding again, mouth dry with the echo of that mindless terror. "I couldn't go any further down. It was foolish, I've fought zombies, I should have..."

But maybe this is the wrong time to say he should have handled that. The squeeze of Jim's hands brings him back to the question. Felix bites his lip as he looks up at the captain.

"I couldn't go back in. So I thought, I could summon something to go in for me."

[smartass_captain]

No matter how many times its explained to him Jim never talks about Conjuration and Necromancy as being the same school of magic. When he says Felix Caelus is the expert when it comes to Conjuration, he's speaking to lesser daedra--to familiars and atronachs who protect the mage when called upon. To the Princes Felix holds reputation with and barters for favor. But he knows logically that in Tamriel they are very much one and the same. Perhaps it's why he'd assumed those undead would yet still be roaming around in the depths.

"You were afraid." Jim can't blame his husband for that. He's afraid right now just thinking about what's still down there. What they're going to have to go back and face. "Did...did you flame atronach do this to you?"

[conjuredskies]

"No." That's immediate, certain. "I needed a creature that wouldn't be throwing fire around- something powerful enough to deal with whatever was down there and not get distracted- and, well, something with hands."

Sweet Sanguine, he wishes he had a drink. Jim probably won't give him one. "I made a ritual circle and summoned a dremora. They're, uh, a race of warrior daedra that serve some of the Princes. More powerful and complex than my other summons, but I had the circle, I should have been able to bind it. Only..." He exhales, eyes distant. "It's all so jumbled. I must have lost focus. I know I lost control of the summoning and it... came apart. It exploded in my hands, hence... you know. I guess I hit my head when I was thrown back."

[smartass_captain]

When he says it like that, Jim feels foolish for asking if it was Felix's flame atronach at all. He'd only been thinking about the burns on Felix's body, about the light she would have been able to provide down below. The atronach is a being of destructive fire though. While she doesn't burn what Felix doesn't ask her to Usually there would have been too much risk. Books are flammable and her hands would incinerate them surely.

But the other atronachs, the familiar, they don't have hands at all. To try a new summon, beings powerful enough to serve Princes directly, in a place like Rielle when Felix was already too shaken to venture down himself...

Felix admits to nothing but Jim remembers all too well the mangled state of his armor. Where it looked to have taken a heavy blow. Not by fire nor an explosion but by a weapon. If Felix didn't venture down into Rielle's deeper lairs then he could only have been attacked by the dremora itself.

"How...long is it going to stay summoned? The dremora?" It made the journey over between planes. It attacked his husband. It's not bound by Felix's control. Lucky indeed that Rielle is secluded far from any nearby towns, but still.

[conjuredskies]

"Potentially... until it's slain or otherwise banished. It's a living spirit with its own magic: it's much more robust than a lesser undead."

Bad news upon bad news- and Stratos will be even less happy to hear about this part.

"I think... it might stay close to Rielle. At least for a while."

[smartass_captain]

Great.

So they've got a summoned spirit to slay on top of whatever else is crawling around in Rielle's depths. But the dremora at least is an enemy Jim can focus on. A creature that's tried and failed to kill his husband. When the only alternatives are feeling weak, sick fear Anger is a welcome friend. It ripples underneath his skin and strengthens Jim's resolve.

He knows better than to be blinded by that desire for vengeance again, but it does wonders to help steady his hands.

"Good. We'll deal with it when we....take care of the rest. I don't care what plane its from. My phaser was enough to stun you. I think I can stall a spirit warrior long enough to...do whatever we need to do. Banish it or deal with it."

[conjuredskies]

It's such a... a Jim response that Felix can't help but feel a little lighter, a wash of gratitude for his husband's immediate determination. He doesn't flinch- doesn't know enough to balk at what Felix has done nor to quail at what they-

Well. That's where it sinks in, what Jim is thinking. It's not like he didn't expect it, but Felix feels a heaviness in his chest all the same.

"...You mean to go with me."

[smartass_captain]

The fact that Felix still thinks he can talk Jim out of going with him is crazy. After everything Felix has done, after everything that's happened to him....No, Jim won't let Felix face this alone. He's willing to bet Stratos will be of the same mind.

"We face our struggles together." Firm.

[conjuredskies]

"Even aside from the dremora, I don't know what else might have moved in since I left. It... might be more than some... leftover zombies."

As if even that would be the worst thing about going back down there. As if that's what he's most afraid to face. He's not looking at Jim now and it's... it's not exactly terror or stubbornness haunting his expression. It's guilt. Shame.

[smartass_captain]

Thinking about going back still turns Jim's stomach and makes his fingers feel cold as ice. He hasn't suddenly stopped fearing Rielle just because he's decided to support Felix in this. If getting over trauma were as simple as deciding to do so Jim would be a much healthier person in general. Even in the future there are some hurts that just can't be easily healed. But there's not Only fear soaking though Jim anymore.

He's faced hell before. There's comfort, too, in knowing he won't be alone.

"Then you'll need a bigger gun to handle it, won't you? Well. Spell. You know what I mean." It's not easy to sit and watch his husband look so ashamed. Jim's first instinct is to wrap his arms around Felix's shoulders and whisper reassurance in his ear. But it's just...not that simple. Aside from their own argument, Felix needs to realize he's made a mistake. Needs to own it.

It's still not easy.

"I....I promise if I can't handle it, we'll turn back and try to come up with another plan. Alright? You'll have a better chance of sorting this out with me along."

[conjuredskies]

Just that is a hell of a concession from Jim. A promise, up front, ahead of time, that Jim will resist his own do-or-die impulses, acknowledge that he might need to back out for his own well-being. It drags Felix's eyes back to him, widening now. How can he argue with that inexorable logic? That kind of gesture? No matter how much he wants to reject the idea of bringing Jim back there...

Gods, he feels so exhausted by his own emotions.

"...I'm more afraid that I won't handle it."