Playing With Shadows II, for smartass_captain

[conjuredskies]

The darkness flows around him, a river of shadow beneath a moonless night. His hands are in agony and there’s a dull thudding pain in his skull, but he’s safe. For now. At least until Jim finds out what he’s done.

Which… is fuck up a ritual in their most hated place and let loose a powerful, bloodthirsty daedric warrior.

Felix utters all the Andorian words Norn’s taught him not to say.

“Are you just going to sit there, featherless? Don’t you know how to walk?” There’s a familiar harshness to the voice; Felix isn’t surprised to lift his head and see the crow sitting in a stunted tree close by. Though in his defence, he thinks, it’s a black bird sitting in a black tree in the realm of eternal night. It doesn’t exactly grab the eye.

“You’re… the Knave of Rooks, aren’t you?” The smallest of the Blackfeather Court, and one of the lowest-ranking, from his observations.

“Correct, mortal!” The bird puffs and preens. “Prince Nocturnal commanded that I should guide you through her glorious realm of Evergloam, in fulfilment of your contract!”

"You? So then..." She didn't set one of her phantom Nightingales to handle this errand. Even a former mortal must outrank the bird. But Felix bites his tongue hard on that. Not the time to start offending his guide with such observations, even if he's inadvertently learning something. 

The Knave cocks his head at Felix, the glint of his eyes a violet spark in the gloom. “Well? Speak! Where is it you need to go?”

“Uh-“ To the Enterprise, scream the white-hot nerves in his hands, the ache of his skull and ribs. To the ship and Dr. McCoy and all his wonderful shiny machines for making the pain go right the hell away.

Then he considers the look on Jim’s face when Bones immediately reports this, and winces. Anyway, there’s precious few shadows to fall out of on the Enterprise. He’d be as well going to their quarters and then he might give Jim a nasty surprise to his face.

“Iowa. My home on Earth.” He doesn’t know if that means much to the crow, but maybe that doesn’t matter.

“Very well. Follow! Hurry up!” The crow flaps off, leaving the mage to stumble after him, up the bank of the dark river and through a sparse wood Felix has glimpsed before. He finds his sight starting to adjust to the shadows as he picks his way over rocks and roots, trying to stick to what path there is. The bird calls to him again each time he drops behind, harsh and grating and peppered with commentary Felix can’t concentrate enough to be annoyed by.

The pain in his hands ebbs and throbs in turns. Eventually he musters himself to speak again, just to distract himself.

“Hey… Knave? You’re a servant of Nocturnal. A… a wise noble of this realm. Can you tell me… why the hood I wear didn’t protect my mind, from… from the foul place I delved into?”

The compliments seem to do the trick: the bird stops to preen instead of complaining about the question. He seems to hesitate, though. Felix nearly flinches when he flies down to the conjurer’s shoulder, leans over to tug the hood with his beak.

“The boon of Nocturnal? Her Gift of Merciful Shadow?" His voice is even harsher delivered straight into Felix's ear. "It softens the bitter edges of the light, veils the bones too sharp for mortal minds to bear.”

“Yes- I know that, but then why didn’t it work?” It didn’t stop Rielle from getting to him. Reminding him…

“How should I know, featherless? It makes things seem no more than the lies they tell, yes? Maybe you are a bad liar!” The Knave scoffs and flaps loudly away into the darkness.

A bad liar? That doesn't even make... Felix nearly laughs until the shooting pain in his ribs makes it a whimper. He doesn't have energy to waste on ruining what little dignity he has left; he shuts up and follows until the Knave circles a pool of shadow, cawing pointedly. The conjurer steps into it- and lands on the rug in a darkened living room.

---

He doesn’t dare look at his hands until he’s running them under cold water. The burns left by the backlash of the spell are… bad, the skin bubbled and raw. Conjurer’s burn is an occupational hazard but he’s never been so stupid as to let himself fail at a summoning this badly. Never felt the results like this.

He’s infinitely lucky not to be dead, of course. He knows that down to his bones. Lucky to be here - he couldn’t have worked a PINpoint like this.

The burns are nothing he couldn’t heal… if he only had the use of his hands. Felix allows himself to groan and swear with the pain- and the anger at himself. The house is empty, nobody cares. He does have a stash of potions, though the way his body complains he doubts he’ll have anything strong enough to fully tackle what he’s done to himself. He goes for the best one- the emergency elixir stashed in a cupboard, gingerly maneuvering it down to the counter with his seared hands. Hugging it in the crook of his elbow as he painfully gets the stopper off.

When he lifts the hefty bottle to drink- he tips his head back, there’s a moment of nauseating dizziness - it slips out of his fumbling hands, spilling across the counter as it bounces-

-rolls-

-hits the floor and smashes.

Felix stares at the ghastly mess over the tiles. At the ghastly mess of his hands. For some reason all he can think despite the despair and the burning pain is What am I going to tell Jim?

And oddly, that’s when something clicks. He understands, quite suddenly. Not knowing whether to laugh or cry, Felix starts to do both. A painful, racking, sobbing laugh as he slumps against the counter and lets himself just… surrender for a minute.

What are you going to tell him? Idiot. You don’t even know what to tell yourself.

Comments

[conjuredskies]

Felix budges up to let him sit further up on the bed, hoping Jim will get comfortable. It's... awkward, and if it was anyone but Jim doing this he'd be embarrassed. Right now, though, that careful assistance is a reminder of his husband's love and concern. He cares. He won't stop caring. Even if...

"...Thanks. It's good..." He'll take a few sips with Jim's help before he sits back. Peers sidelong at Jim's expression.

"Come on. You should be resting, too. You don't need to worry now."

[smartass_captain]

"As good as the replicated stuff gets." It's an herbal spiced tea that Spock recommended to him and one Jim's passed on to Felix. One of the few teas Jim's gotten a taste for out of the options available to them from the replicator. When Felix is done drinking Jim pulls the mug away to set back on the bedside table before fetching his own to drink deeply from.

Felix is watching carefully, so he'll catch the way Jim clenches his teeth before he hides behind his mug. He's not drinking now, just buying himself a few precious seconds to think before he opens his mouth and says the first thing that comes to mind.

"...Oh, really?"

[conjuredskies]

He doesn't need to guess when he already suspects Jim's angry with him. The forced calm in his voice spells it out further, spurs the Imperial to blurt out an attempt at reassuring him.

"Of course." He hesitates after it's said, twisting to search Jim's face. "...I know you're upset with me. But I'm back now, and safe. Thanks to you." All good, see?

[smartass_captain]

"Fucking..." It's barely more than a whisper while Jim rolls his eyes. "Thanks to me? Felix I still don't know what's going on. I can Guess at quite a bit and I'm not sure which part of it is more goddamn upsetting. How long are you going to keep pretending that I'm an idiot?"

Really, it's Jim's own fault in a few ways. If he's right and Felix did go back to that hellish place on his own it was surely because he didn't want Jim or Stratos to be forced into going. It's only making his chest ache all the more.

[conjuredskies]

"I just meant..." Felix hesitates, looking like a deer in the headlights. He can't hide from the issue when Jim brings it up so directly.

He'd really hoped he could avoid this at least until they were more rested. Should have known better: should have realized the captain would find no rest until some of this was out in the open.

"...I thought Kav told you most of it," he says carefully. "You said before... you knew where I'd been. That I'd gone back... there."

[smartass_captain]

"He told me you were in trouble with a friend. That you lost something that didn't belong to you and that you couldn't ask me or your brother for help because it would be 'upsetting' for us. That was literally it."

There's very few places that could have that kind of history for Jim and Stratos. Even less in Cyrodiil proper. Felix didn't get to see them get nearly eaten in the marshes after all.

"Of course I was going to assume it was--" Jim swallows roughly and shakes his head. "You were in so much pain when I found you..."

[conjuredskies]

"That's... the bones of it." It's about as much as Felix told Kav, anyway. He swallows, reaching up to touch Jim's back with a swaddled hand.

"Jim... Jim it's... you're right. I did go there. And it hurt so damned much but I got out and I'm safe now, I promise." At least, until he figures out what to do about the new problems he's created...

[smartass_captain]

Jim grits his teeth and shakes his head to hear Felix confirm it. Again, it's happening again it's the same song and dance with them.

"You lied to me again. Snuck off and...I could have helped! You didn't even call me for help, you didn't even get what you were looking for and...." He's biting back the hurtful things he wants to throw. Jim wants to start a fight wants to shout because it will be better than the sick ache he feels in his chest. instead.

But Felix can't fight back like this. Felix is hurt because of Jim.

"And now we have to go back again." He doesn't know the half of it.

[conjuredskies]

"I'm sorry, really I- I couldn't call after things went wrong so I went back to the house-" It's not why he went there instead of the ship, though. It's not why he lied. And Felix blanches a little to hear Jim already talking about going back.

"No." He's pushing himself upright again. "That was the whole reason I couldn't- I would have asked for your help if it was anything else, I swear to you. But I couldn't ask you to go back there. You or Stratos. You already suffered through that place for me once."

[smartass_captain]

"As if you haven't?!" It takes every ounce of Jim's self control not to pull away from Felix. To get up and loom over his bedridden partner. This isn't captain Kirk addressing his crew for being out of line. But that would be easier, because Jim doesn't behave as professionally as the man who's in charge. At least he never used to. Before Felix he was a much different man.

"Felix you could have been killed and none of us would have even known where to look. I GET that you were trying to protect me. Protect us, even. But you can't handle this alone!"

[conjuredskies]

It doesn't count, though, what happened to him. Even Felix can't see himself as a victim when the horrors of Rielle were his doing.

Well. Half his doing.

He opens his mouth to try and explain that but Jim's next words shut him up hard. He could have died. Jim doesn't even know how close he came to it, in fact. And then what would have happened? He'd have just abandoned his family- abandoned Jim- without explanation or farewell or even the hope of answers. Never knowing that the man they looked for lay dead and unburied in the one place they thought they'd rescued him from.

Felix swallows hard, but the lump won't leave his throat.

"...I know." He draws a heavy breath. "I thought I had a way around it. A way to conjure up a solution. But all I've done is make things worse."

[smartass_captain]

Felix no longer needs to guess at the swears Jim's rattling off when he mentions having a way to conjure himself out of his problems. In part because he's got access to his own universal translator now thanks to getting in with Starfleet and partly because he's heard those words many times before.

"What's it going to take, Felix? What. Do. I have to do. To get you to stop hiding this shit from me? To understand that I trust and respect your expertise as a goddamned mage?" There's tears in Jim's eyes but he's too busy shaking his head.

"How many times are we going to repeat this? How fucking open and honest and upfront with you do I have to be before it gets returned in any capacity? Sure I wouldn't have liked the thought of going back to Rielle but we could have had a plan. Sent you in with some gear that might have given you an edge. Something. Anything."

How many more times are they going to do this before Felix doesn't make it back? Before he pays a price behind Jim's back that he can't save the mage from?

"How many away missions have I sat out because you took ill to the idea of me going? Why is it always..." He has to stop. Jim's going to start shouting otherwise and he doesn't think that's going to help anyone. It's not fair and Felix knows it. But the damage is already done. Jim can't change that this has happened, all he can do is try to help fix it.

Again.

[conjuredskies]

Each pained question goes right to his heart. The hurt and betrayal that all Jim's efforts aren't enough to earn his trust. Felix shakes his head, tries to say something but Jim isn't done. All his justifiable anger and fear tumbling out steadily, building until he's on the verge of losing control altogether. Felix can feel him hit that point- and clamp his mouth shut.

He wants to wrap his arms around Jim and pull him close. Assure his love that he knows, he's sorry he should never have done this- but tension radiates from Jim's posture and he knows- not now. It would be an empty gesture yet.

"It's not about your trust," he blurts out instead. Corrects himself: "I mean- I know you have faith in me. More than anyone else I've ever known. I'm afraid of you putting yourself in danger to help me- to fix my mistakes. It's not fair that you should always be sacrificed either!"

[smartass_captain]

Felix has seen Jim lose his temper before. But the crash of turbulent emotions doesn't come. Jim swallows down the bile filled words he wants to hurl while he paces their quarters. It's taking everything he has not to turn mean instead, to hurt Felix as deeply as he can with his words. Anything that might lead to an actual fight.

Bruises Jim can handle. Hell, a broken bone can be mended. This? This awful ache and knifing pain in his chest and stomach? This is not the kind of pain Jim has ever been good at handling. Felix is hurt and moreover he has never once actually taken the bait when Jim has tried to goad him into a fight before. The last thing Jim wants to do is see his husband's face twist in agony. Especially not when he's the cause.

Which leaves Jim near bursting with anger he has no outlet for. Hurt he doesn't want to give a voice to.

"Then what the fuck did we even swear vows for...?" When Jim turns round to look back at their bed his face is tight with held back emotion.

[conjuredskies]

Felix's heart might have stopped in that moment. The bottom drops out of his stomach as he stares at Jim. For a moment his mouth works, searching for the words he needs to fix this and make it better.

"Because I love you. So that we'd care for each other and..." Speak truth to each other. Be each other's shield. Stand together against your troubles. Felix pushes himself up, ignoring the twinge through his medicated numbness as he swings his legs over the edge of the bed.

"And I know I'm not living up to those vows but I swore myself to you and I meant it." Don't say things like that don't question this no no no nono...

[smartass_captain]

When Felix doesn't snap back Jim goes back to pacing their quarters. His fingers dig fitfully into the sleeves of his clothing--he's only half wearing his uniform today since no one called for him and he'd taken the day to tend to his husband. It's not much relief but having something to fidget with (a small bit of physical discomfort as he chafes and digs into his arms) helps distract from everything Jim's decided he won't say.

So he's actually shocked into spinning round when he hears Felix trying to get up. His husband's face is nearly as pale as it had been the other night.

"Felix--" But he's cut off and it's genuine fear in Felix's voice. Jim's sigh is half exasperated and half relieved that something finally seems to be getting through. "Felix sit down, I'm not leaving you." Jim's at the side of the bed in only a couple full strides, his warm hands on Felix's shoulders.

"It's just goddamned hard to help support you when you won't let me stand by you when you actually need it."

[conjuredskies]

The cold feeling isn't going away quickly. He's shaking a little under Jim's hands, only for the suddenness of his fear and the realization of how dire a path this might be. But he draws in an easier breath for the reassurance- the exasperated reassurance, for how many times has Jim made clear he's not going anywhere?

"Then- you need to promise that you'll tell me what you need. That you won't just take on every burden and pay the price after." He can't feel it, when he cups Jim's face in his hands, but his touch is no less urgent for being clumsy.

"I just don't want to keep causing you pain."

[smartass_captain]

Felix will feel Jim tense up again in his arms. How thin his lips draw when he bites back whatever scathing remark might have been resting on the tip of his tongue. After The Storm, after this, Jim is in no mood to go making more concessions right now. To admit that his tendency to bottle things up might be part of the problem. So far as he's concerned Jim's already more open and forthright with Felix than he is with anyone else.

"I'm Already honest with you, Felix." Tension underlying every word. Jim's grip on his husband is gentle but his words are anything but in the moment. Felix knows what Jim's feeling half the time before he does it feels like.

"I don't know what more you want from me."

[conjuredskies]

"...But you aren't always honest with yourself." So much tension there and Felix wants to soothe Jim's anger, wants to back down. Except that he's afraid too that Jim doesn't understand why Felix acted like an idiot. He needs to explain himself-

"I know we talked about this stuff, after the storm. I know I promised to share my plans with you, and I should have. I would have, I swear, if it hadn't involved... Rielle."No hiding from the name now, no use any more in flinching away and hiding from the thought of it. "I just want to know that if I tell you about something like this you won't insist on putting yourself in danger. That you'll think about yourself, too."

[smartass_captain]

"Don't you start telling me what I do and don't feel." For all Felix is right and his honest reasoning laid bare Jim wants to hear none of it right now. In the spur of the moment those words sound like his mother needling him over the comm channel if he's sure he's alright. Everyone who wants to see him fail looking for any sign of weakness. Jim's no longer a slave to this idea that he'll lose his ship if anyone knew him truly.

Still, upset as he is he doesn't want to hear talk that he might not be able to handle whatever trauma inducing place Felix has already braved on his own. He doesn't want pity or coddling. Jim's never wanted the help he's advised others seek in support of their mental health. Has never wanted to talk to those who wouldn't understand.

Felix is the only on who knows most everything. After that it would probably be his alternate. If even they start pitying him.....No. No Jim won't tolerate that.

"If, but. There's always a convenient reason you won't tell me the truth. I wouldn't have run off without you, but there's no point saying it now." Jim shakes his head. He doesn't touch on the real question Felix is asking. Not when he's this raw.

[conjuredskies]

Felix drops his gaze at that rebuke, hands lowering from Jim's face. After how he's handled his own feelings here, what right has he to tell Jim how to interpret his? And he can only wince when Jim calls him out on his excuses.

"I'm sorry," he says, knowing it's not enough. He can open up about everything he's done but until he shows Jim he can change his habits, such belated truths will only rub in how much Felix has already kept from him.

Still, he says it: "When you want to hear it... the whole story. I'll tell you everything. Stratos too, I suppose.,. he'll want to know."

[smartass_captain]

It's not until Stratos' name is mentioned that the stiff tension in Jim's posture seems to soften. Jim may be hurt and angry but he suspects Felix is going to get far worse of a dressing down when his brother gets involved. Where Jim held his tongue so as to not treat Felix like an ill-behaving child....

He sighs heavily.

Jim's hands find Felix's shoulders again, as gentle as ever.

"Do you prefer to tell it just the once, or would it be better if you told me first?"

[conjuredskies]

"I..." What a choice, when he feels such a turmoil of guilt and fear to think of telling the story at all. But Jim's hands are firm on his shoulders, despite how he's upset his husband. Felix makes himself look up again.

"I'd rather..." not piss off both of you at the same time, "tell you, first. I need to, well. Get it straight in my mind before I explain it to him." Which he is truly dreading.

[smartass_captain]

"Okay....okay." Jim looks around their quarters. His chest is still so tight with withheld emotion. Frustration welled up with nowhere to go. If Felix talks out his bad choices now Jim's not wholly certain he's going to be able to keep quiet and let Felix work through those rough memories on his own time.

"Let me...get you something to eat. Settled again. I need. I need to take a walk first." Maybe head down to the gym and work out some frustrations. Head down to the observation deck and sort out how he's feeling about all of this where no one else can linger and prod him about it.

"I'll come back in a bit, grab some food, and you can tell me then."

Jim can see the worry and hesitation on his husband's face. Expects the quiet dismissal that Felix isn't hungry right now. How could he think of eating with the scare Jim's given him? Knowing Jim is so hurt and upset because of him? It's not a decision Jim's going to dispute. Once Felix is arranged as comfortably as can be seen to on their bed Jim leaves their quarters.

The Enterprise-A is large enough he could pace its halls without fear of doubling back on himself for quite some time but her captain has a few places he prefers to linger when needing time and space to think. At this time of Beta there's still plenty of people milling about either waiting for their shift to start or winding down from their day. Not the best time to spend lingering in the gym. Not when he's in no mood to be social. So too are the observation decks similarly bustling with people taking their meals or enjoying time off the clock. Jim heads instead for the turbolift to venture down into Engineering. It's taken years for him to be comfortable down here again, but before his untimely temporary demise this would probably be his second favorite place on the entire ship after the bridge.

Jim finds Scotty's latest out of the way repair project he comes round to poke at when the ship's chief engineer wants to be left alone. It's easy to find if one knows to look for places about the size to hide a tea kettle that shouldn't be stored down here. Scotty's no here now, but Jim can message him and see what all needs doing. An hour or so of getting his hands dirty will go a long way toward helping him calm down.

He thinks about the fear in Felix's eyes as he's muscling a spanner back into a hard to reach nook. Jim's frustrations don't change how much he cares for his husband. Down here no one can hear him swear to himself. No one will judge what he says. If he sheds tears. There's just the work to be done in front of him.

Jim works until his arms start to ache. Until there's a growing concern that Scotty will turn up to ask after him. As much as the captain enjoys his friend's company now is not the time to go sharing a drink and feeling sorry for himself. No matter how much Jim may want to avoid Felix for the moment the mage is still injured. Has promised to tell Jim the whole story of his time spent sneaking back off to Rielle.

No, he won't keep Felix waiting for that long. As his stomach grumbles for its neglect Jim puts away the tools he'd taken out and makes for the cafeteria. He's already selected Felix's favorite options out of habit before Jim scowls slightly at himself as he arranges the tray to bring back to their quarters. Well. Maybe it'll be enough to coax Felix to eat something with Jim while he tells his tale.

It's an hour and a half later when the door hisses back open and Jim returns with food in hand. It fills the room with the scent of beef and vegetable stew with a hearty bread to go alongside it. No ale to drink with it though--Felix will have to settle for another cup of tea when Jim sets the tray down on the side table.

"Hope you're a bit more hungry now." It's all Jim offers at first for conversation. He's no longer clenching his jaw or pacing like a caged beast. The vaguely artificial chemical smell that clings to Jim speaks of where he's been, as do the small grease stains on his face and clothing.

"I brought enough for both of us."

[conjuredskies]

Jim takes his anger with him, and though anxiety for his husband gnaws at him Felix is a little relieved, for a few minutes. Sitting in the dim light of their quarters with nothing but the quiet hum of the ship... and his own guilt. Their arguments - and his own bad memories - playing out in his mind over and over.

Maybe he should have asked for a book.

The loneliness sets in after about ten minutes. Felix is starting to feel very sorry for himself, all alone with his burned hands, when there's a thump from across their quarters and the padding of small feet. Tiber jumps up onto the bed a moment later, purring up a storm to find Felix entirely trapped in a cushy spot.

"...You golden devil, were you hiding over there?" Probably hogging Jim's desk chair to stay out of the way and keep his owner from doing any work. Felix knows Tiber is more intelligent than a normal cat- and he does seem more inclined to respond to Jim's moods. Maybe they're both looking for some comfort. He strokes the cat's head with awkward care and sighs. "Turning up after all the shouting's over, huh? I couldn't have done better myself."

Tiber blinks at him smugly, and gets down to the important work of finding the best position to sit on top of the human. Preferably one that'll trap his legs in an awkward position...

He's still there when Jim returns- Felix knows who's coming by the way Tiber's ears twitch and his head lifts - though when the captain steps inside, the cat's getting up in a hurry. Jim's remark about being hungry elicits a long mrooow before Felix can open his mouth.

"Starving." Felix pushes himself straighter, peering at Jim carefully. Taking in his posture as well as the stains on his clothes. Some men would go and hack at a target with a sword; Jim, he's learned, has other tastes. "Though apparently you were supposed to bring enough for three."